the pain in my side

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control

good morning heartache

I think some people are truly scared of being loved FOR REAL so they tend to go back to the person that really make them comfortable. The person who makes it easy for them; that way they aren't required to take the next step are grow with the other person. They can remain dumb and stagnant or content with mediocrity. sometimes they honestly don't know how OR don't believe they deserve to be loved in return sometimes you just have to take the good times & remind yourself that its over for a reason because you'll never figure out the mind of a man who goes back rather than grow forward.

yet that's the path he chose so I gotta know I'm better off without him.

my ♥ aches but I rather deal with it now & heal (eventually) than to have an aching ♥ WITH the man who claims to love me ... Clearly he's just not the one FOR me and one day he will no longer be a thought or memory. One day I won't see his face when I close my eyes or hear is voice as I reminise on the private moments together and those rare occassions when I can smell him will never happen again. Until then I'll allow the tears to fall, I'll bury my pain in wine from time to time and I'll sleep with my brokenheart hoping, wishing, praying for the day when the above is no more.

'the moon and the sky' ~Sade

I was the one
I who could
Pull in all the stars above
Lay them on your feet
And I gave you my love
You are the one that got me started
You could have let me
Love anyone but I only wanted you
So why did you make me cry
Why didn't you come get me one last time

You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Aint gonna let you go

You lay me down and left me for the lions
A long, long time ago
You left me there dying
But you'll never let me go

You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Aint gonna let you go

You'll always know the reason why
The song you heard
Will stay on your mind
It aint gonna let you go, no
Cos you were the moon
And I the endless sky

You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love

Aint gonna let you go
Aint gonna let you go

You had the keys to the car
You had every star
Every one of them twinkling
Baby what were you thinking
We had the moon and the sky above
And I gave you my love

he crossed my mind...

'I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to

I know its wrong feeling this strong let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

Remember all the moments for two, how we used to

Oh yeah

But the reality honestly...you where never good for me and I was never good for you.

I just remember what we used to do..'

Lately whenever my mind travels to thoughts of him I am reminded of the Jill Scott song in which she reminisces of a past lover who 'stretched her limbs across the bed and showed her where the climax was at' whewwwwwww yes! That would be YOU *wipes away the tears* anyway she paints a vivid picture of the love they shared. I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter, send this '2way/text' I'm gone say some things and you're gonna say some things that we both don't need to say.

In the end regardless of the connection if its only physical the contact isn't worth the heart/headache. I need to be reminded of this fact each time I start to think of him wondering what he's up to or what he's doing. I am learning to let him go

brokenhearted girl

My heart hurts more than it has in a very long time. I feel as if apart of me died. I wish I could sleep and avoid the reality of this pain.

i hoped it was you

One of my favorite songs is 'hope that its you' by Donnell Jones. The melody is very soothing and heartfelt as he sings about the love in which he longs for 'hope that you're qualified to give me love and affection'.... 'Someone who can satisfy my every little need, I hope that its you'

That song comes to mind at this moment because I finally realize why I haven't been able to let certain people go. Recently I've entertained conversations with a friend/ex or whatever where he has expressed his love and admiration for me. I will admit that I love him, often I've thought of the possibility of 'us' however in the back off my mind, pit of my belly, deep in my heart I know that he is not the one. Awaiting his visit I became restless and excited until a day or two before during a conversation when he decided to give me a disclaimer to later disclose that he was 'just joking' :-/ I was immediately turned OFF and wished I could get out of the plans we somewhat made. What was done is done, I told myself and decided to make the best of it and prepare as if he hadn't hurt my feelings.

Friday night is here and he's in town I meet him and his family at a hole-in-the-wall club where I hadn't planned to stay too long. I was tired and just wanted to be home with him all too myself (MODED) so we finally leave this place at nearly 3am and I think FINALLY homeward bound! WRONG everyone's hungry, except me so now I have to sit through a meal at Denny's right down the street from the place that has been hell on earth for the past year of my life. I try to disguise my feelings and focus on him and the fun with him brother and mother while I pretend to be uber tired from my long day at work thinking/hoping/praying that they'd catch the hint and we all can go. My prayers are finally answered and we're on our way.

I hadn't realized how vulnerable it is to have a man you care about in your home for the first time. He looked around and complimented my 'sexy' apartment which meant a lot. He showered as I undressed and watched tv in bed awaiting for him to join me. It was nice but he didn't make a move so now I'm debating if I should yet not wanting to because as a woman of a certain age I believe the man should make the moves especially in the above mentioned circumstances. Anyway a move is made and he follows my lead. We have sex, not earth shaking or mind blowing but considering its been quite sometime since my last time it was much needed and appreciated. The next morning he hung my mirror, the one that's been propped against my wall since July. The one others walked right past and never even hinted about putting it in its place. At that moment I thought 'maybe we could work' 'I hope you're the one' That is until he left, with his belongings. I was under the impression that he'd be staying with me while he was here, not 24/7 but sleeping here so when I mentioned his suitcase by the door and was given a lame answer in my heart I knew he wasn't coming back. I took him to his destination and exchanged a kiss while he asked what I had planned for the remainder of my day and that he'd call. Glad I didn't hold my breath! No call, no text, no nada. I needed him to come back or call and he didn't do either. This hurts more than i expected for so many reasons. This is what i was afraid of and why i don't 'live in the moment'.

Although I love him and in his own way I believe he loves me, this is exactly why I've decided not to engage in casual relations; its a quick fix followed by hurt, emptiness and the worst of all loneliness. Now I lay in the bed we shared and I can smell him and be reminded of the expression we exchanged and hurt all over again. Thinking today about the saying 'its better to have loved and lost rather to have never loved at all' well that doesn't work for me. I'd rather forgo the love in order to bypass the pain. I can't believe I allowed this to happen and as I lay in bed replaying our encounter I am reminded of what a fool I must be to actually think he and I could be any more than we've ever been.

And at this moment I would love more than anything to never speak to him again.

Blackberry Love

"had an epiphany! the love we share is so real, if only I met a man who I could love as much as my blackberry *sigh* it 'completes me' "

Okay it started as a joke in my facebook status but as the responses came in about how crazy (I assume in the funny as well as mentally unstable use of the word) I am I began to actually give my statement some thought.

For starters Blackberry and I have been together since around 2004 (give or take) that's 6 years which is light-years longer than any of my recent relationships; which usually tap out around the 1 year mark however due to laziness, comfort, routine, etc I'll continue to entertain an 'ole faithful' so I won't be forced to actually date or meet new people. Both of which are my least favorite things to do mainly because dating and meeting new people reminds me of how 'different' I really am: humor, logic, emotions, etc are very much unlike 99.9% of others especially those in my age bracket and I refuse to go too much older.

Most men I've come across ages 26-35 are still playing games, unable to commit, unfocused, selfish, self- centered, socially retarded, unrealistic, I really could continue but I won't. One person in particular expressed how he 'wanted to have a baby' when asked about marriage he said he'd 'never envisioned being married, just more kids' so clearly his logic is irrational. wanting to have more children is perfectly fine and normal as a person reaches a certain age HOWEVER being that age and not factoring the importance of the complete family structure prior to PLANNING to procreate makes absolutely NO sense to most sane individuals. This is the same person who expressed his ideal relationship would be a long-term, casual situation at his whim yet doesn't understand why the women he dates leave him once they realize they are in an anti-climatic relationship. *side- eye*.

There's are a few key elements to explain the love I have for my blackberry that I have yet to find in a man:

Evolution: my 1st BB was cool, fun, gave me just enough to keep me happy with all of its 'bells & whistles' which often made me forget about the few things it lacked which in comparison to what it brought to the table made me laugh and totally forget about the flip phone I'd left behind. Many years and versions later my BB lacks nothing, it actually has so much to offer and at one point I thought it had TOO MANY apps, tools, options for me to handle until an occasions arises and lo & behold its in that 'ah ha' moment that I understand that's exactly what I need. Like in a relationship when you need more that a cuddle buddy or a guy with great sex or the 'big spender' its the guy that possesses all of those qualities and knows which hat to wear for each occasion so to speak. The man who can be my friend, lover, teacher, student, warrior, companion, etc all wrapped together to be the man I need in the exact moment I need him. Not at all saying he's perfect because I'm not looking for perfection I'm interested in the one who is perfect FOR me. The man who is able to challenge my mind, conquer my body, dive into my soul and steal my heart.

Dependable: the brand I've learned to trust. I know that my shits gonna work whenever, wherever, however, whatever and if for some reason I'm not happy with what my BB is giving me I'm able to communicate my issue and we work together to find an outcome that gives us both what we want. Mainly because BB appreciates me, doesn't want to be without me and actually gives a damn how I view our exchange. Proving time and time again that I matter! Which is all a gurl really wants.

Intriguing: there's probably 20 versions of the blackberry not to mention its competitors but for some reason out of all of my options I only have eyes for it. Other phones may have a million gimmicks or offer other characteristics that appeal to whomever but no matter what else is available I look forward to what I have and for any reason I feel a bit dissatisfied I know the answer/solution is just a phone call away. And each time I feel restless or I'm seduced by the 'grass being greener' BB does something whether its a new design or feature that reminds me why I fell in love to begin with. Oddly enough unlike its counterparts the 'new' features blend well and becomes apart of the old frame creating a new, better, upgraded version of what I already loved.

I could go on but I won't but I am reminded of a part of a conversation I had the other night in regards to why I'm still single and the fact that the majority of my peers (friends & family) are married or at least have been married (some are divorced, going through a divorce or if they were honest with themselves shouldn't have gotten married to begin with). The truth is I've been engaged, I've had THE conversations which lead to the proposal and I honestly believe I want to be HAPPILY married 'til death do us part' like the vows state, maybe I do want the fairy tail but what's wrong with that? I refuse to date down! I will not settle! And most importantly I love me so if there isn't anyone who will understand, grow with, love me the way I am then it is what it is but certain things can not & should not be compromised. My heart is one of those things.

Reason, Season or Lifetime

So there's a saying "everything in your life is here for a reason, a season or a lifetime" I take that to mean that every obstacle, person and/or experience comes in your life to teach you something or for a certain time period while others which some would call a soulmate or twin flame are there for a lifetime.

The past few weeks have been a bit much for me emotionally. Funny how in retrospect everything is crystal clear, but when I'm 'going through it' i don't know why or it seems to come 'out of the blue' well I can not and will not pretend to be over him or happy about the outcome however i've decided to let go knowing that I can't dwell on what could have been or the reasons why things turned out the way they have. Its as simple as the idea that their season came, the reason was revealed leaving the conclusion that they weren't meant to last a lifetime.

This theory also includes friendships which may have served there purpose and are no longer necessary. This month i can count two that finally came to an end although their death/burial were long overdue. One I simply outgrew, it still somewhat amazes me the number of friends disappear once your life begins to progress. Whether its a promotion, engagement, addition to the family or just getting your shit together. Most people that call themselves your friends will not be happy for you especially if their life is a bit stagnant. To her i say 'good riddance' i wish her no harm but i do pray that she grows the hell up one day soon whether she does or doesn't i can't say that i really care.

The other actually hurt and left me a bit disappointed. On one hand this person and i had an intimate history and deep down I hoped we'd somehow work out our differences and give love another try. Honestly i knew that he'd never really mature fast enough or completely be the man I'd need him to be. I realized a little while ago that this friendship was draining and served me no purpose but I attempted to overlook it because i did care about his well-being and thought somehow I was assisting in his growth but learning that he shared information with someone who he knew I wouldn't want to know anything about me or what's going on in my life which was the last straw. It showed that not only was he immature but it was also a betrayl of my trust and a lack of respect for my boundaries which i refuse to tolerate from anyone in my life.

I can truthfully say that I am fine with the changes taking place although many times things aren't very comfortable for me they are necessary which is all that really matters. In time my heart will heal and I will become settled in my new life I will force myself to be more outgoing and begin to date and all that jazz. In the meantime I may blog a letter to him saying everything in my head & heart so at least I can finally get it all out as if it were my chance to say all the things I never got the chance to say to him and that will provide the closure I think I need.