The World Outside My Window

It seems to happen randomly; I'll have a thought and while I am still processing it, my mind is flooded with several others.  Each more challenging then the first.  This mainly happens while I am attempting to do several other things; I typically like to multi-task.  It keeps Boredom away; I can't recall the last time I felt "Bored".  I find it interesting when people say that to me, "I'm bored" or they'll seem shocked or surprised when I tell them I rarely feel that way; and the moment I do, I treat it the same as "Insomnia"; I'll ask my Self  "what do you want to learn?", this is typically followed my a few thoughts, recommendations or ideas and I "choose one".  Problem solved...   I have been wanting to write for quite some time, yet the words were so scrambled it begain aggravating my Migraine so I'd have to push it to the side.  Recently, I began to jot down the Thoughts that come or Ideas; in the past ...

"Leave My Body" Florence + the Machine Whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the scripture which speaks of how "being absent from the body is to be present with The Lord."   At times, I pray to leave my body, even if it's just for a few moments or a day or two.  I honestly believe this may have happened a time or two, for example when I had the car accident (see, Saturday, November 5, 2005 ) and was unconscious for an unknown period of time.  Like, what happens during that space in time?  Or when people are in a coma or whatever, I know what scientist say, however I believe that may be a time when you (generally speaking) may be in the presence of The Lord.  I don't know why this was on my mind this morning, well actually, let me explain . I'm up, dressed, out the door and in the car.  As I pull off I realize there's something wrong with my car and I intend to be somewhere at a certain time to assist in the preparation for a meeting.  A...

I used to beat myself so hard because I had things "undone", I guess it's a combo of OCD and some other things which creates this sense of urgency.  However over time I've learned to understand that everything happens in it's "due season".  True, it could, and you may even feel as if it should happen NOW, but what if it isn't the Primetime which most likely means there isn't enough preparation, understanding, skills, maturity, etc. to achieve the level of success or convey the right message.  I guess it's like when you crave a certain fruit, you may rush out to get it just for it to be sour or not as delightful as you had fantasized.    The same could be said with words, you know the moment it/they leave your mouth and the voice in your head says "I shouldn't have said that"?  So I'm learning the same is true with opportunity, relationships and some plans.  Often times, I try not to get upset when plans don't pan ou...

It seems I've made a few changes since Christmas.  For starters, I eat meat again, not like with every meal, but it's back on the menu.  The most intriguing has been the fact that "My Drink" has changed.  I've been a "vodka & cranberry" for a long time, I don't really know what that says about me, but as of late I've desired to have my vodka straight.  So I challenged myself to try it, initially I made the screw face when I took a sip, but not long after I was good.    I'm sure this will please the bartenders when I go out since my original drink wasn't as simple to order as it seems.    Vodka on the rock with a twist of lime.    If only the folks at Starbucks got it so easy (smh)

There's a certain time of the day where the sky is pink , if I'm not mistaken this actually happens a few times during the day (in the morning as well as in the evening, around Sunset).  At times when I feel overwhelmed I look at the pink sky and know that everything is working out with my best interest in mind.  Yesterday, after a friend   and I were headed to the airport, I looked at the road ahead and shared my thought, "I love when the sky is pink", without hesitation he said "it's the golden time of the day" and my heart melted.  I realized, for the millionth time since Christmas, that I need him, I love him, I've chosen him and I felt as if the sky, being the color of "pure love" was a confirmation of the feelings in my heart, head & soul. I pray that I am not sharing these thoughts prematurely, however I understand that this is all apart of a journey and everyone has choices (damn free will) yet, I also believe that ju...

For some reason I rarely pay attention to it's arrival, I just know that something is "off" in my communication.  Especially with certain people, I'd realize the breakdown and once things were back to "normal" I'd excuse the miscommunication and blame it all on Mercury and it's reverse travels.  Well not this time, I realize that although the "Cosmos" weren't quite aligned the way I'd like them to be, the interaction with some people wasn't that great when Mercury was on the straight and narrow.   As the usual New Year's Resolution time is approaching, I've come to terms with the idea that some people may not make it into 2013 with me.  This time not because I've deleted them, changed my number or said anything reckless, but simply because we don't want the same things.  We aren't on the same path and our interaction leads to frustration and stress, all of which I am not in a space to accept or tolerate...

What if we were actually as we pretended to be? How different would our lives reflect our words? What if we took off our masks and allowed our inner child to run free? How about if we stopped caring what other people thought about our choices and took a leap of faith into the dream we talk ourselves out of following? What if we did the "nice" things for others without a thought of keeping score or rewards? Just the knowledge of bringing someone a bit of happiness. What if we actually listened rather than just waited for our turn to talk? What are your "what if's"? How would your life be different if you took the what if away and just did those things?

Between the three (3) cleanses I've done this year, adopting the practice of meditation and repairing my prayer life I've discovered a renewed relationship with God.  The interesting thing about it is, that wasn't my plan.  Over the years I've built a wall around my heart in an effort to keep everyone out, over time it even included God.   I recall 1999, I found myself pregnant by a "man" who (I thought) I knew, we were together for about two years prior to this (see, "The Rebound Guy" ).  We dated, he met my father, we did everything a couple would do although there was no true commitment to one another.  I remember the mishap as if it were yesterday, the condom comes off and immediately I knew this would create a problem.  Sure enough, soon after I learn that I am pregnant, and the day I told him he expressed to me how much he hated me, how I was ruining his life and how he wanted to have tons of children, but with his wife a...

I remember being a teenager and having a conversation with someone (the details escape me); but I had a thought regarding the way people choose to represent themselves during the first few months after meeting them.   I described it as “The Representative”, over the years I realize it takes far longer to get to the “Core” of a person and some are so hidden that you may never know the “real” them.   I am reminded of an interaction I had with someone and in that moment I did not like myself very much, after I thought about things I realized I had misrepresented myself and although he was completely fine with things; I wasn’t.   Because I had grown to recognize who I am at the core, the representative that showed up in that occasion did not mesh well together.   That experience was one of the deciding factors for cleansing a few months ago (late May- early June); it was in that moment that I knew I must do my very best to avoid that feeling.   I distanced myself...

For some reason I have so much on my heart and mind yet I can not find the words to express them.  Today I found myself in a zone; I don't recall being there before so I cant quite explain that either. When I woke up, I felt at peace.  Typically, in the space of time when I am awake yet my eyes haven't opened is when I pray, meditate and just bask in the presence of God.  The city is quiet and there is a stillness which I don't really feel any other time of the day.  In that space I am grateful, thankful, appreciative, that is also the time when I make sure to pray for those who come to mind.  I seek guidance and ask God to lay out my path for me and to help me to see the pitfalls and traps "the angry birds" may try to set for me.  Today was slightly different because rather than preparing for work after this, I had to deal with the aftermath of the anxiety attack.  I can sense foolishness is coming, but I wasn't quite sure which direction it would c...

"If this me is not I, then who am I? If I am not the one who speaks, then who does? If this me is only a robe then who is the one I am covering?" ~ Rumi   Hopefully the voice is that of the Source of our being.  When we speak from the soul its a beautiful thing; its when we allow ego, pride and fear to speak that we cause trouble.

Recently I was faced with a situation and when I mentioned it to a few people they all instructed me to “be careful”, I took their concerns to heart and made sure to include those thoughts in my meditation.   When I meditate, it is usually for clarity or guidance.   I like to connect with God and listen for direction or insight before making decisions or communicating with people.   I’ve made it a habit to meditate as soon as I awake in the morning and before I go to sleep at night.   I’ve learned along this journey that is a very important part of my day, if not the most important.   I’ve realized now more than ever that when you deal with someone you are actually dealing with their spirit or better yet the spirit that influences them.   If a person is connected to God/ the Universe then s/he will conduct themselves in a certain way; granted we are all “human” so our flaws, insecurities, shortcomings, etc will come into play; however you can usually see ...

I’d only been to two funerals in my entire life; after I attended Terrance’s I vowed to myself that I would never attend another. It took forever to comprehend the fact that he was gone, I dialed his number a million times, well the first 6-digits until I realized I’d never hear his voice again, or see his face or the smile that I loved so much. I buried myself in motherhood, school and work. Nothing else mattered. Once I began to see this sadness linger I realized I needed to switch my focus. I turned to a group of "friends" I met online; we chatted throughout the day while we engaged in various tasks (work, school, etc.). After months of socializing online we decided to have a get together and meet everyone who wanted to attend. I was a bit apprehensive since I had only developed friendships with 3 out of about 20 of the chat room members. It was the perfect Saturday afternoon in July (I believe it was July, my memory escapes me on the details). There was food and music ...

"In every moment you have a choice to express your Heart or your Ego. Let your heart win." The ever present debate between my heart and my ego joins us in 2011. As much as I would have liked to be over this issue and "on to the next one" there's something thats holding me right where I am. I do not understand the purpose, mainly because it doesnt seem to serve me in ANY way. I try to make sense of it all by saying that I just dont know the bigger picture, but often times I am not so sure there is a bigger picture with "us". I wont deny the fact that I love him, I admit that. I dont know how deep this love goes because I've never experienced anything like this. Is it the challenge of him not wanting me? Is it the guilt of the many times I've hurt him? Is it the timing of losing my best friend and meeting him? Is this fate? Is he my soulmate? I have none of those answers, as much as I wish I did. I wished that I could be more social, outgoing...

i feel some type of way when i hear about someone being pregnant, i know that's selfish and "wrong" or whatever but its my truth so I must deal with it.  I also feel some kind of way when a man says to me "you can tell me anything" and when I do, I don't feel the safety he implied with those words.  I feel like I may never get what my heart truly desires: happy marriage, adoring husband, wonderful children, fulfilling career.  I mean I am not expecting some fairy tale but as time slips away and 30 becomes an age of the past, I wonder when and sometimes if at all my time will come. I am doing the work and getting through my progress however am I hung up on someone who will never want the same things as I do?  Is this all just a waste of my time?  Is it time to move on or do I wait a little longer as he shuffles through his circumstances and consequences?  I suppose only time will tell, but the real question is, do I really have time for it?