I’d only been to two funerals in my entire life; after I attended Terrance’s I vowed to myself that I would never attend another. It took forever to comprehend the fact that he was gone, I dialed his number a million times, well the first 6-digits until I realized I’d never hear his voice again, or see his face or the smile that I loved so much. I buried myself in motherhood, school and work. Nothing else mattered.
Once I began to see this sadness linger I realized I needed to switch my focus. I turned to a group of "friends" I met online; we chatted throughout the day while we engaged in various tasks (work, school, etc.). After months of socializing online we decided to have a get together and meet everyone who wanted to attend. I was a bit apprehensive since I had only developed friendships with 3 out of about 20 of the chat room members. It was the perfect Saturday afternoon in July (I believe it was July, my memory escapes me on the details). There was food and music yet much to everyone’s surprise, silence lol. Someone made a comment about if we all had screens and keyboards in front of us no one would "shut up", alas, the ice is broken and we all begin to have a really good time. We even play football, girls vs. boys, needless to say that was HILARIOUS.
A few days later a chat room buddy and I were online cruising the pages of those in attendance of the picnic and come across one in particular which states that the person is now dead. Crazy right? The first thing I think is "this cant be true", prior to that instance, I had never thought of this person, never engaged in conversation, never paid any attention to him. However, seeing the words on the screen I knew I could not sleep until I heard his voice. Luckily, my friend happened to have his number and we began calling non-stop, at one point she grew tired, but I knew I could not rest until I had reassurance either way. As the night became day the worry fueled my mission, then finally "hello" –exhale-
My first words "I thought you were dead!" his response "who is this?" lol I explained who I was and why I was calling and he said "well obviously I’m not dead" we shared a laugh and stayed on the phone for hours. Instant friendship! Not long after he was deployed and as we were on opposite sides of the Earth and my good ole insomnia was at its worst the friendship deepened. There was no way after Terrance could I not make sure he was okay or at least known some type of closure. Even though I didn’t know him, I had just spent my afternoon in his presence. Over time our friendship morphed into something else, I used to refer to it as "love", but now I am not so sure. I feel, well I felt an unusual connection to him, like I know when something’s wrong even if he never admits it.
As my feelings for him finally changed, I am curious to know his purpose in my life. The timing and manner in which we met were all so strange, it seems like it must have been fate. I understand this was why I held on so tightly, for so long. Now that I am sure he is not "the one" for me, I am equally unsure why we HAD to meet in such a way for years to pass and nothing beneficial occurred. Perhaps this was something else, but what? And why? I don’t have those answers and to be honest I don’t really know if I am ready for them. All I know right now is that we had good times, he filled a bit of a void or maybe I stuffed him into a space he was incapable of filling. Wow, that’s an interesting perspective. I never thought of that one before. Any way it goes, I am no longer deleting people from my life or forcing them where they don’t belong. I also let go of the obsession of knowing up front what a persons purpose is in my life.
Who knows how this journey will transition? I know I don’t, at this point in my life I am finally just enjoying the ride. The destination is unclear and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
