About a week ago I had a dream, it was all too familiar yet completely different. I dreamt that I was telling that same guy who occuplied so much of my heart for so many years that I was getting married. When I woke up, the feeling of truth overwhelmed me. As if this dream was filled with so much possibility. I quickly emailed him and formed my words from a space of love and to be informative.
I recalled having this feeling once before, which is why I knew I could not keep these thoughts to myself. The last time I had this feeling was about 4 years ago after he expressed to me that he was getting married to a woman he'd barely known for a few months. I asked if she were pregnant and he assured me that she wasn't, but I knew better. To avoid an argument I "accepted" this lie and continued with my life. I began to have dreams of his unhappiness and how he was making a huge mistake however I refused to be the one to say this to him. I knew he'd take my words and accuse me of being jealous or "a hater" or whatever; so I remained silent.
Not long after his announcement I decided to distance myself. I didnt realize how noticeable it was until he confronted me. I explained to him that our friendship would need to end, I told him there is no way given our history that his wife would accept it unless we lied and I was not willing to do that. He couldnt understand my position and I was unwilling to budge. Then one evening after work my boss/friend invited me out for dinner and drinks. We go and somehow I get drunk, it didn't quite hit me until I returned to his house to get my car (I rode with him and his boyfriend). Now its apparent, I am too drunk to drive so we stayed up and talked until they were ready for bed. At some point I became restless and HAD to tell this man that he was making a mistake. His response "everyone keeps telling me this, but we're getting married tomorrow". I was crushed, well a few steps past crushed. I wished him well and deleted his information and made the decision to go on with my life.
Well, it was shortlived because a few days later he was inquiring why he hadnt heard from me, my reply "shouldnt you be honeymooning?". Fast forward not even 2 months later, he pops up at my house because he's miserable and regrests getting married. He finally admitted that he did it because she was pregnant.
Okay back to last week- I explained to him that I had been unavailable to other opportunities in the hopes that somehow, someway, someday we'd get our shit together and make something happen for real. I revealed to him that I'd been expressing my thoughts and exposing my heart and he hadn't reciprocated. I was honest and said that I wasn't making threats or giving an ultimatum, I mentioned my dream and the feeling associated and said I wanted to make sure he was aware and had every opportunity to do and/or say whatever he felt he should, so if we find ourselves in that moment I could honestly say "I did everything I could".
Soon after, I felt as if I had been set free. I no longer feel rejected because he chooses not to reply to my words. I'm no longer holding my breath and refusing to live my life to the fullest. Most importantly, I'm no longer holding on to something I should've let go of so long ago. As I realized what just happened, I had a thought and posted it to my Facebook.
"today my heart was set free, yet it remains full. I am now free to love like never before".
Word <3
