Since my initial cleanse I've come to quite a few revelations which prompted necessary change; for starters I've become happy. That seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, not really, it wasn't until I reached that space that I realized I had never really been happy before. Don't get me wrong, I've had moments and even periods of happiness however as soon as life happened or things were no longer "perfect" that happiness vanished. I recognized there was a huge difference between my life before and what is was becoming now.
I also regained my focus in the gym, I begun taking my workouts more seriously and finally started to see my desired results. I made some adjustments in my diet and began to consider giving up meat. Now that I am in this new/ unknown space, I begun to think "I need to meet new people", so with much harassment from a friend I decided to join an online dating site. As I came across various exes and a few newcomers that could not hold my interest, I decided it was time for another cleanse. See, the first one I focuses on my body; I needed to detox and begin to repair, while this time I realized it was for my spirit. I realized I had not dated in quite some time since I've been dealing with the same few men for the past 10 years. That seems so crazy now that I've written it out, but that's the situation nonetheless. I thought that I needed to see myself as I am perceived by the world. I needed to reveal my dating and relationship strengths as well as my weaknesses so that I could attract the type of individuals I needed in my space while on this journey.
The plan was cleanse (www.themastercleanse.org) for fifteen (15) days, this time I choose to read "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene. I figured I needed to equip myself for the games and traps which I will admit I had grown naive to and quite unaware of. The last piece of this cleanse was to meditate as well as be as social as possible so that i could see who I became if I was under the influence.
A few things happened; for starters I saw many things that I did not like within the first few days. I was a bit shocked that I was so uncaring of other people's feelings at times. By the first week I made a conscious effort to repair and if possible rebuild relationships with family, friends and a few of the men who had been in my life for a good chunk of my adult years. I prayed for closure on a few situations as well as insight on how certain relationships had gone from a very loving space to something completely toxic. Within a day or two of the completion of this cleanse I actually had conversations with three (3) men from my past and they were completely honest and shared their perspective of their interaction with me. It was in that moment I realized, they loved me, I'd hurt them yet they still cared. I was blown away! In all honesty I had no idea.
In one situation, it was in that moment that I was finally able to see him for who he really is and not the tough exterior. At the same time I had begun communication with the person who occupied so many of my thoughts and blog entries. It started off with lots of potential, I was optimistic, thinking "this may really be it". He appeared to be in a space of openness and honesty, well until the questions were presented and he grew silent. At that moment I was reminded of the "tough guy" and our interaction over the years. I saw my mistakes clearly, I realized how we'd gotten so far off track and how we both contributed to it. I also realized how I was so engulfed by a completely toxic "relationship" that I overlooked other opportunities at happiness, which in turn made those toxic situations as well. In that moment I decided a few things:
1.) Abstinence was the way to go! By being honest with myself, I had to admit I am too paranoid to engage in casual sex. I don't completely "let go" which makes it difficult to completely enjoy (I know, I know TMI. Sorry) however its because I require a much deeper connection than you can establish in a casual situation. I like the journey not just the destination.
2.) Meat has got to go! I decided to give meat a rest for a while since it first came up in the cleanse in January. I figured I'd give it a try and adapt a pescetarian lifestyle (http://pescetarianlife.com/).
3.) I would no longer be afraid of love or being vulnerable! I may have killed a chance at love and happiness because I was too stupid, blind and wrapped up in bullshit to recognize what was in front of me. I was so afraid of being hurt that I in turn hurt someone I truly cared about. I told myself that can never happen again AND if given the chance I must fix this.
