Last night I had an issue with insomnia, I used to hate the fact that I couldn’t sleep; I felt like something was wrong with me and I needed to "fix" it. Trouble is, this body is extremely sensitive to OTC "drugs", you name it and it knocks me OUT. Over the years I’ve learned it’s easier to embrace my "condition" rather than try to fight or fix it; that had to be one of the smartest things I’ve ever done in my life. Now, it’s just a part of who I am, when I can’t sleep I’ll ask myself (the Universe), "what am I going to learn?" or "what am I supposed to be doing". Once that’s completed I can drift off to sleep and even if it’s merely an hour or two I feel rested. But, I digress.
So I’ll start with yesterday, for some reason Terrance was on my mind heavy. I know he’s been mentioned, but I never go into detail about him or his place in my heart. I’ve buried that so deep within that I often forget the entire experience. Anyway, while having a conversation with a friend, he mentioned a dream that he had the night before and in that dream it reminded me of Terrance so I mentioned it a little. Now fast forward to my insomnia (I feel like I’m rambling however I’m really just trying to tie it together, I hope it works lol), so I find myself unable to sleep and it dawns on me "pull out your old journals", I’m flipping through entries and I notice a few about Terrance. As I read the thoughts of a 14 year old girl discovering love, I remember the day I met him. It was summer 1994, the perfect day and I looked an absolute mess, jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, hair in a ponytail and my little cousin on my hip. As I’m trying to entertain this kid to give his mother a break I see this tall, attractive guy approaching me. I had no clue what to do or say however I was preparing myself for whatever came next. We had small talk and he disappeared, the next day I got dolled up and found reasons to go to the same spot I had met him and of course he was no where in sight. However I met someone else, he didn’t have the same look in his eye or honesty in his conversation, but I entertained it just the same. He asked for my number yet I choose not to hand it over. I had my eye on someone and I’d never really "talked" to boys at that time so this was all unfamiliar territory for me.
A few days had passed and our paths never crossed so as I began to give up hope, a friend asks me to walk with her to the store, with nothing else to do I accompany her. Soon as we turn the corner who do I run into? The two guys I had met earlier that week, lo and behold they are friends. My entire focus was on Terrance, his eyes, his smile and most importantly, his words. At some point he lets me know that they were going to play basketball with the other guys who often played near my house, and hinted that he’d like for us to come watch. Instantly I knew, wherever he was, is where I wanted to be. As my friend and I watched, cheered and at one point joined the game we shared laughs and glances. By the end of the game I had his number and was floating in the clouds. He and I developed a friendship like nothing I’d ever experienced before; he was caring, warm, encouraging, brilliant, loved music, giving and a host of other qualities I to this day use as a scale for any man I may entertain. He listened to my hopes and dreams, eased my mind about the fears and in his own way helped shape the woman I’ve become (for better and for worse).
The thing is he was older than I was and by reading my journal entries from 1994- 1996, I now understand how difficult this was for him. We had an intense connection, one which defies age, and he often had a hard time accepting that. He would become distant and I summed it up to the fact that he "just didn’t like me anymore". I remember one day in High School, this woman came to my school to fight me, I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen. She approached me with my friends to inquire about my dealings with "her man", I assured her that he and I were just friends and IF she had an issue with anyone it should be him. I thought about it and added, her issue is really with herself and she should question why she’s at a high school confronting someone over her boyfriend. Needless to say, there was no fight that day or ever.
I stopped speaking to him for quite some time after that. We then ran into one another on various occasions and it was clear that our bond was never disrupted. I missed him and the feelings were mutual, I don’t recall who took the first step, but a step was taken and we were friends again. The most incredible things about our relationship was; it DIDN'T involve sex, we didn’t even discuss it. We talked about everything else under the sun and I cherish that now more than ever because my memory of him has always been innocent and pure even with the ups and downs.
I recall summer of 1997, my body was going through all types of changes and I didn’t really know what was going on, at this point I decided "I want him to be my ‘first’". It was a very adventurous summer, but one day in particular I had no plans so somehow a friend and I end up at his house. She decides to take it upon herself to share my secret with him and I was absolutely mortified! He asks me if it were true and I was honest, we excused ourselves and went to another room to talk, during this time he tells me that he couldn’t do that to me and that I should really take my virginity very seriously. I didn’t understand and felt completely rejected so she and I left and I didn’t speak to him for years after that.
Now I am an adult with a child, I remember feeling completely embarrassed to walk around the neighborhood because I didn’t want to run into him and he saw me in this condition although I knew he had already heard from the gossips. One night I was returning home from shopping (my son was a few months old at the time) and I ran into him, he was so delighted to see me. He knew I had a baby and he didn’t care, it was as if he was just happy to see me. I remember I took my bags and sat with him in his backyard while he smoked and we listened to Pink Floyd. He explained to me why he loved them and then how he missed our friendship, he never brought up my baby however I felt compelled to have that conversation with him. He assured me that he didn’t look at me any differently and he just wanted to be in my life. We re-established our friendship and it was better than ever. One evening we were on the phone and he could tell that I had gotten sick, it was a very cold night at the end of December and he said he was going to come and bring medicine for me. I pleaded with him to stay home; I said I’d just get him sick and that I would be okay. He didn’t listen, I heard a knock on my window a few minutes later and when I saw his smile I had to go to him. We sat outside in the cold and talked, at the end of our conversation he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I was looking forward to whatever was to come.
New Years comes and I call to wish him a happy 200_ (I forget the exact year) and I hear "he is no longer with us", I have no clue what that means, I figured he had stepped out and I should call back later or that he had moved, in a day. So the next day, I call again and I hear the same sweet voice say to me "honey, Terrance is dead". Everything I knew was unclear to me and I could not process this information. The man I loved, the man who taught me in his own way what it meant to be a "lady", how it felt to express myself without fear of judgment. Now who would I confide in? Who would stretch my mind? Who would fill this void in my heart that only knew him?
