I ran across a quote that really struck a soft spot, the quote states "your ego gets in the way of all your Heart is trying to say". As i read the words i realized this unknown author was speaking directly to me.
As much as i have grown there's still parts of my heart which remain unavailable, perhaps because it has already been given away, maybe its damaged beyond repair or better yet locked awaiting THE ONE to unleash all of the hidden emotion i've been incapable or unwilling to expose. I can think of 4 men that i have loved deeply, 2 stand out the most: Terrance, the 1st man that i ever loved. Gone too soon & will never be forgotten. Then there's my former 'best friend' too many years, words & broken promises yet my heart aches when we aren't speaking. My mind races with thoughts of him and my body yearns for his touch.
Our last conversation wasn't the worst but it was very clear that it was in fact our last conversation. Now after 5 months i've begun to miss him but my ego/pride won't let me contact him. We've gone through this plenty of times yet he's done too much for me to go back this time (kids, marriage, divorce, lies, avoidance, etc). I believe on some level the ego is there to protect us from disappointment and pain because the heart or love will have you continue behavior which leads to no where. All that matters to love is love 'by any means necessary' which isn't always the best policy especially when someone continues to let you down.
I will admit to loving him, even being in love with him. Honestly i probably always will however i allow my head to take the lead on this one. Keep me sane, talk me off the ledge, walk away, whatever it takes to prevent the blow to my ego and heartache when it comes to a man who will never love me the way i'd need him to.
In this instance love is not stronger than pride but should the fact that i love him outweigh or overpower my better judgment?
