The World Outside My Window

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perha...

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so." Marcus Tullius Cicero Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing.  I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting.  I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now.  Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely,  I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow.  That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with.     I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was hap...

I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief.  I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay".  It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships.  I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge.  While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.   The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know.  She knew what to say or what to do to make me better.  I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her.  So far that's comforting, but it's not the same.  Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the...

The other day I chose not to take my medication.  I don't know how long or often that will be the case since I have been feeling extremely stressed; regarding various issues I am facing.  In addition to the accomplishments of November 2014; I believe I may have put a bit too much pressure on myself, yet in those moments I knew I was doing the "right" things.  Checking off various tasks on a to-do list as well as truly seeing strides taken toward a vision I've dreamed of was quite astonishing.  At least for me.  With that, I found myself in December 2014 in a state of unpreparedness, as everything was quite new, unfamiliar and moved at a more rapid pace than I have been accustomed to. Although I experience "deja vu" more often than I used to, I am still learning how to put the puzzle together appropriately.  My desire is to continue on the path, as well as enjoy the journey God has chosen for me. This has been interesting the past few months as my Birthda...

At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless.  Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things.  Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me.  Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder,  so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become.  I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again. That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with.  As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming.  I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in ...

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.   I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the j...

Like (almost) everyone, I anticipated the return of Winter Season programming on television; trouble came when my "faves" returned and could not hold my interest.  Without realizing it, I practically don't watch anything anymore; that is unless something comes to mind and I YouTube it.  When doing that it's mostly music or something that will provide (spiritual/ mental) enlightenment, growth and/or wisdom.  Once it came to my awareness I than took inventory on where my thoughts were and what my words and actions created. To my surprise, I had accomplished some things that were on the "back burner" for quite some time.  To say I was/am overjoyed by the amount of checks on my "to do list", I even realized how much extra time I had each day.   During my trip to Nevada I entertained a vegetarian style of eating and actually enjoyed it; I believe I lasted about 5- 6 days and felt a difference; however due to my specific type of allergies, a "d...

I am currently sorting through various feelings concerning my health and over all well-being.  This time away has really allowed me to take an introspective look at my self as well as my goals, hopes and dreams.  I feel an intense desire to work hard as well as smart to ensure my life is designed exactly as my God and I are creating.   The other day I decided to watch "The Secret" again, to my surprise I truly understood why I'd incorporated many of the practices taught in that documentary; and to say the ones I've consistently made my best effort to observe have been successful.  In more than a few areas of my life; helping me to see clearly the areas which still need a bit of care and improvement.  I begun an expression to share with the Blog a few days ago as a follow-up to " Venus on Display " and " Venus on Display: "Trust Issues, Thirst Traps and Guilt Tripping" , yet each time I dive a bit deeper into my Self, I tend to pause and ne...

Unless you are new to the Blog you are aware I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder . Next month will be two years since the initial attack and that has a few things coming to the surface.  For starters, I don't know if it would be classified as a "secret" per say since I know I've mentioned it in various posts.  I was also diagnosed with Severe Depression , which I never rarely talk about.  I thought if I kept it to myself and "dealt with it quietly" it would go away since I wasn't giving it any attention or energy.  Well, I was wrong.  It's silently killing me; some days are less difficult if I'm only fighting Anxiety , but other days are brutal since both attack my Mind.  If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram and/or Facebook you know that I've gotten back into fitness; mostly walking, running, some hiking and yoga.  I've incorporated some reliable herbs into my diet to assist with hormonal balancing and I've steppe...

" Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so."  - Marcus Tullius Cicero I don't know how far to go back, however I didn't want to make an excuse for allowing another day to go by without expressing something. I sat down to write in my journal yesterday Morning, as I began to organize my thoughts I couldn't decide where to begin (i.e.: yesterday, "the other day", last week or a year ago) as they are all relevant to what I intend to share. In addition I had/ have a ton of things on my Mind/ Heart regarding various aspects of my Life; so as I'm sorting my Thoughts, the Feelings pop up along with the Anxiety Disorder which turned my Focus from The Blog to my Well-Being.  Which as for now (after much effort) seems to be balanced. Looking forward to sharing more later. Until then, Namasté.  Click here for quote info