No Filter

"…But the human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief."

- from 48 Laws of Power; Law 4, Always Say Less Than Necessary

I recall when I was in my 20's (especially), I used to "pop off" at the mouth (easily); always "just sayin".  There was one night in particular where I was out with a friend and friends of hers, at a club and this random guy was a bit too touchy and ungentlemanly for my taste. Well, after I'd had enough (which didn't take long), I started talking all types of shit.  I wish I could remember the exchange, but it's neither here nor there at this point.  Anyway, had things escalated it would've been a situation of "when keeping it real goes wrong".... Over the years I've learned to control my self a lot better.  In that situation I (try my best to) defuse the situation before it gets too out of hand and inform people about my "issues", "disorder(s)" and phobias long before anything inappropriate takes place.  Notice I didn't say I've mastered it (lol).  However I am still making an effort to eliminate the useless chatter and nonsense conversations (as best as I can).  

As I've made this effort, I've gotten into two verbal confrontations with two associates; who I had thought would develop into friendship.  I've said this before on the Blog, but I've noticed some people love everything you say to them as long as they agree or it is a stroke to their ego in some way.  However, unpopular opinions and simple disagreements seem to bring out the worst; which is why I've made an active effort to keep my opinions to myself (unless asked or necessary).  After the first altercation and a few other interactions I awoke soon after with the thought to brush up on the book "48 Laws of Power" by Robert Green.  I'll keep my opinion(s) about this book to myself, however if you haven't read it, I'd advise you to pick it up and flip through and see how you "feel" about it (for yourself).  

For me, I took the approach of gathering information and processing it through my specific agenda for it's use as well as filtering the narrative through my thoughts, beliefs and such. Funny thing (for me) is with certain combinations of medication, along with my level of awareness and the "human" challenges, I am finding that my "filter" and conviction(s) regarding certain types of treatment and/or conversations; I feel "forced" to speak up, typically for myself and in some cases for anOther who may not have a "voice" for whatever reason.  I am noticing how some are able to have a passionate discussion and hear all perspectives while others; not so much.  I am learning to walk away, say my farewell or steer clear; as I am trying to master what comes out of my mouth along with the things that I choose to share via social media.

Which leads me to my next venture; YouTube.  I haven't decided how I would like to use the channel, but I will do my best to learn as much as I can in an attempt to connect with you all as well as express some thoughts which may come out better with a voice attached as opposed to leaving the words on a page.... Time will tell.

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 1

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.  

I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the journey I find myself on.  As I was in the mist of "Mental Health Awareness" Week, I was very aware that this assignment did not just happen to correspond with exact Spiritual and Natural, core-changing experiences in my life.  I know I typically don't speak in detail about my religious Spiritual beliefs, however the doctrine(s) I identify with are that of Seventh-Day Adventist as well as Apostolic/ Pentecostal faith.  In 1999, I was baptized (in Jesus name) on November 14th; it took almost a year, but in August of 2000 I received the gift of the Holy Ghost; evidence by speaking in tongues as the spirit of God gives utterance (Acts 2:4 & 38).   Along with that it was the birthday of a dear friend; my best friend actually.  I've written about him before, each time memories of his Being and our conversations brings tears to the wells of my eyes; but because of my silly issues with crying and showing vulnerability I'll let them stay until they dry, knowing they aren't allowed to fall. 


Nonetheless, to think my time away was a bit emotional would be an understatement, although I was able to push through it, I thought with all of his wisdom, encouraging words and support; what would he encourage me to do in this stage of my journey if he were here to see areas where I may be holding back.  I am deciding to allow myself the freedom to express what my heart desires and allow the "chips to fall where they may" or more like "carpe diem"!  I feel as if I have been in this position before; as a matter of fact I know I have been....

December 2007*, I'd decided the work I was doing was no longer serving me so I turned in my resignation with the plan to start my own business and begin writing a book.  It was outlined to be fictional however based on a few of the hilarious interactions I'd witness over the previous years with the people and things I found myself surrounded by.  Along with my personal "life lessons" and outlook; well I began a business and my first "client" was introduced to be through a "friend".  I poured my heart and time into a project and found myself getting "played" with some hood shenanigans.  Immediately I put the business and book on the shelf and went out to find a job.  Fast forward to present day, I find myself in the same mindset to start businesses and write books; however this time I refuse to allow any set back or set up to interfere with the vision I have or the projects in mind.  I believe on a different level this time.  I believe God gave me those ideas and various experiences keep leading me back to them, leaving me feeling that this is my opportunity (once again) to fulfill my dreams and make a difference in this World (regardless of the level of impact), even if something I've said helps one Person, even if that one Person is my Self; I am determined to take control of my destiny and not allow past experiences, current circumstances or doubts/ anxiety of the future keep me from my purpose any longer.
To be continued...

*correction

4 Drafts

As I sit here, I decided to re-read the drafts currently awaiting completion.  I've decided, they are too personal.  Part of me wishes I was able to bypass that "feeling" today, but I know that I'll only regret sharing anything prematurely.  In this moment I am both happy yet my heart feels broken; for various reasons.  So far the wine and weed (medicinal marijuana) are helping, you see I am out of medication (lol & smh).  I returned from my trip and somehow my pharmacy has difficulty filling my prescriptions (insert blank stare). You'd think there would be some type of provision for this type of circumstance; nope.  From the attitude of the staff, "no fucks" were given; thankfully and with much prayer and "alternative" approaches to Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, I did not wind up in the Hospital (again).

The level(s) of aloofness are baffling to me; the things that consume my thoughts are at times overwhelming. While other feelings and emotions are dying to be expressed;  I just want to sleep and wake up like a year from now when all the dust has settled and the "valley" of my life has been put to rest.  But of course that is not reality... I prefer the fantasy; the life in my head that I fight so hard for.  The "Happily Ever After" with my Castle on the Moons of Venus; where everything is in harmony and abundance.  Lately, everything on Earth bores me; I've seen so much through experience and I am sick to my stomach of mediocrity and injustice.  I feel as if the dreams I have in my head somehow transitioned into something altogether different, expanding what I thought was "the big picture" into something more incredible and fascinating, but I am unable to put it into words just yet, which means I don't even understand it completely.

I desire to write from my heart, my truest, deepest, most meaningful thoughts; but my fear of vulnerability hinders me at times.  This may be one of them, the depths of my emotions along with the depression is baffling and the feelings of love from within are mind-blowing.  The combination sends me to a space of tormented pleasure as my Soul feels as if it will burst and I can return to the air and somehow travel back to the Stars from which I came.  Made of Stardust and curiosity; truly a gift and a curse (depending on the day/ moment).  I think I will have a few more drinks and a lot more smoke and sort through my thoughts and the feelings; leaving enough time to meditate and pinpoint the "reason" I am entertaining deleting those posts and starting anew.  

The "space" that I am in currently feels so complex; as if I know I am not who I once was, however I am not quite at the next phase of my journey.  Stress, desire, uncertainty and the awesomeness of God along with my goals and dreams have created this level of energy and excitement that I have never experienced before. I want to sing and scream and run yet sleep all at the same damn time.  Crazy, right?  I know! hahahaha; maybe in the near future I will be able to translate these feelings into words and they will make complete sense, in the meantime I will continue to re-write and edit until I believe the expressions are ready to post. The most intriguing thing of it all is I still have a few more expressions in my head that I have yet to draft. I am praying to share before the numbers continue to increase; because that would be backwards and I have no idea what it would attract (based on principles of "The Law of Attraction"), nonetheless I also want to make sure that my words are thoughtful, meaningful and perhaps inspiring to someone who may battle an issue similar to mine or may relate in some other way.  

I pray it all comes together effortlessly as well as divinely so I have more time to concentrate on the present moment(s) along with the future of my dreams.  Notice, I'm being mindful to use positive affirmations and sayings regarding myself, my future as well as our Community here (aka "the Blog"); making use of "The Secret" in an attempt to bring about good fortune and abundance to myself as well as those of you who are reading.  I truly wish the best for you all, hoping we all attain our goals, dreams and aspirations.  While developing our skills and God-given talents and understanding.  Which brings me to the Organization I intend to develop and introduce "soon"; I'm excited as if expecting a new "baby", I am looking forward to sharing. I guess I've been a bit busy, so busy in fact that I feel like I may have too many "balls in the air" lol, then I think and pray for the strength to follow through as I've given my word and/or seen the end result (in a vision or dream) and I must do what it takes within my power to manifest them in this lifetime.

Tomorrow is another day and a step or two closer to our dreams; so I suppose I'll bid you a good night, until I Blog again.

Namaste 

Out Of The Loop

Like (almost) everyone, I anticipated the return of Winter Season programming on television; trouble came when my "faves" returned and could not hold my interest.  Without realizing it, I practically don't watch anything anymore; that is unless something comes to mind and I YouTube it.  When doing that it's mostly music or something that will provide (spiritual/ mental) enlightenment, growth and/or wisdom.  Once it came to my awareness I than took inventory on where my thoughts were and what my words and actions created. To my surprise, I had accomplished some things that were on the "back burner" for quite some time.  To say I was/am overjoyed by the amount of checks on my "to do list", I even realized how much extra time I had each day.  

During my trip to Nevada I entertained a vegetarian style of eating and actually enjoyed it; I believe I lasted about 5- 6 days and felt a difference; however due to my specific type of allergies, a "diet" of certain grains, herbs, etc. wouldn't work well with my genetic make up; so I decided to modify my current eating habits and incorporate some vegetarian dishes in the mix.  Since switching my birth control I am noticing the changes I am currently going through as a "woman of a certain age"; along with my health conditions (Anxiety Disorder and what not),  I have gotten my body completely "clean" as in free of hormones and bullshit; which shows me other areas where I may need to make some adjustments and pray for direction as well as guidance in an effort to get myself to the space I desire to be; mind, body and spirit.

To say things are easy would be a far stretch of the imagination; funny how on a particular journey, challenges seem to come out of every direction without ceasing.  I am drained and exhausted; mentally and emotionally.  However, what do you do when life is crazy yet your goals, dreams, hopes and prayers are equally as "crazy"?; if not "crazier"?  I recently re-read/ re-posted a couple expressions written in 2013 describing my need to build "my Fairytale... one brick at a time" along with "No Pity Parties Allowed".  I found it quite interesting that almost 2 years later I can still relate to those exact circumstances along with acknowledging the areas where I have grown; in addition to, areas I must improve.  Thankfully, with the knowledge and understanding gained from documentaries such as "The Secret" and books like, "The Four Agreements", I chose to look on the bright side and continue to focus on the sentiments, affections and objects of my desire; remembering to be gentle yet honest with myself to know if I had truly done "my best" or if I was choosing procrastination or some other excuse/ reason things had not been accomplished as expected.  I am pleased, nonetheless, I made a decision to "go hard(er)" and be absolutely relentless with the determination and efforts towards making my Dreams a reality.  Then guess what happened? Yep, the Universe met my expectation and put "challenges" in place which if you are aware; you'd understand that it is either an opportunity or a "set back".  With that understanding you either embrace it and allow the "issues" to propel you into greatness or frustrate you into despair; I am choosing the opportunities that are in my sights (my vision) for a future; along with how it contributes to Loved Ones as well as Our Planet and her inhabitants.  

In this moment, I am "in the feelings"; which would like to "speak", yet I make an effort not to share from that space.  However, because I have yet to secure a therapist, I think you guys may be in for a view of another "window" into my Soul, Being, Human.  (Call me crazy, but...) the concepts of "human" and "people" are still new ventures for me to learn; as an introvert, I am extremely familiar with my Self, yet I am still learning. Lately I've been more of an extrovert or perhaps a hybrid of the two.  In that I am seeing many of my personality traits and how they co-mingle with "Others"; it's quite entertaining to say the least.  With that said, I suppose this is yet another chapter for the Blog, yet a turn of the page for the Book.  To say what this chapter has thought me so far would be premature; and I have no intention of unraveling anything that's being tied up (loose ends).  So I guess I'm saying, I am looking forward to my next level of growing and I am grateful for you all to be on this journey along with me.  It means a lot to know that we are supporting one anOther and challenging ourselves to stretch our visions, goals, dreams and understanding; in an effort to contribute to the "Greater Good".  I am humbled as well as honored to know that I am not alone on this Earth; although it feels that way much of the time.  I don't know if that's the Severe Depression speaking or if it's a legitimate feeling; so I took a moment and thought about it which sparked thoughts of other expressions to share.  

It is not my intention to change the direction of the Blog; however I have wanted to be a bit more open about my Self as well as the Struggle(s) and Battles; I have experienced plus the ones that are an every Day fight.  I hope to continue on the path chosen for me and your support inspires me to do more; Be more.  Striving to be the best Kamille I am able to be.

Thank you! I Love You all for your support and willingness to share in the transformation I am undergoing.

Namaste

Last Words

If the last words (you spoke/ wrote/ thought) in regards to yourself or an Other were in fact the last words ever spoken; how would you feel? 

Playing with Words

In simplicity I am nurtured by the calmness of the Divine and her Lover... the Universe. Selah.

My Lover consumes me; from my Crown and throughout the heights and depths of my Soul.

My God completes me; I am whole yet enhanced by the love I choose to believe.

Mind. Body. And Soul.

Check In: "Hi"

Initially I was hesitant to discuss this "publicly", however I am currently donating my time towards the Blog, the Books (ideas, character development, etc.), two websites and starting a Non-Profit; in addition to providing care and concern to my Self, my mental health and the needs of my Loved Ones.

I've dreamed of this for so long; it's truly a blessing to align myself with my goals, dreams, hopes, desires.. and watch them unfold. I slightly underestimated the amount of time these projects will take however I did not underestimate the love, effort and dedication they will require to come to life fully.

I am beyond excited. Happy Thursday!

Late Night Thoughts

I am currently sorting through various feelings concerning my health and over all well-being.  This time away has really allowed me to take an introspective look at my self as well as my goals, hopes and dreams.  I feel an intense desire to work hard as well as smart to ensure my life is designed exactly as my God and I are creating.  

The other day I decided to watch "The Secret" again, to my surprise I truly understood why I'd incorporated many of the practices taught in that documentary; and to say the ones I've consistently made my best effort to observe have been successful.  In more than a few areas of my life; helping me to see clearly the areas which still need a bit of care and improvement.  I begun an expression to share with the Blog a few days ago as a follow-up to "Venus on Display" and "Venus on Display: "Trust Issues, Thirst Traps and Guilt Tripping", yet each time I dive a bit deeper into my Self, I tend to pause and need a moment to re-group.  At times I've felt as if the words weren't quite what I had in my heart to share.  I feel as if I should be willing to bare my soul and open my self to the words on the page; allowing them to express exactly what I have in my mind.  Yet when speaking in vulnerable terms there's the fear, I suppose you can call it that; or perhaps uncertainty.  In how the words will be received, not in an insecure way; more on the lines of using the words as my form of art and allowing the creative juices to flow and the nervousness of how my expressions will be received.  Not to mention the fact that I am working on several "dreams" and more goals than I can keep up with at times.  Funny thing is, I still find time for friends, family, hobbies and "other".

Yesterday I felt exhausted, however I haven't quite finished my "to do" lists for the remainder of the week as well as some preparing for a few surprises that I am looking forward to sharing with you all.  About a month ago I joked with a couple of friends and suggested I may restart my 30s because I wasn't pleased with a few of the years in the very beginning.  After a little consideration, I'm thinking that is actually a great idea! I feel as if I need a refreshing in order to accomplish things according to plan as well as allow myself to have a bit of fun.  Dealing with anxiety disorder for the past two years has taken it's toll, yet I find strength and endurance in my faith and belief in my God; Jesus, knowing that "all things work together for the good..."

To be continued. 

Happy 1111!

I am super excited about the writing I've been doing as well as what I have in mind to share.  I am enjoying my Journey thusfar and I'm currently on my way to enjoy a hike followed by whatever the Day brings.  Just wanted to touch basis with you all and wish you a very happy 1111!

I intend to share more, but until then.... Love.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

I awoke this Morning feeling rested and excited for this journey to "officially" begin.  The past couple of days have been priceless; catching up with Loved Ones and meeting the new additions; from first sight I knew they are Beautiful Souls.  My Heart melted.

Beginning today I am focusing on an area of my Being that I only discuss with my Doctors and friends on a "need to know" basis.  Well, I suppose I've decided to share in the hopes to bring awareness and perhaps prevention to anOther.

My tummy is at one of it's worse states of Being, as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) has taken over.  Little does it know, Cleansing, Lifestyle changes as well as my commitment to "Team Fitness" are about to take over!

Pray my strength, endurance and healing.
Namaste

Red Park

There's a blanket, fruit and wine.
It's set under the play yard.
Obscured by slides and other play things.
Although we don't notice any of it.

The Sun sets and the Sky changes in such majestic colors; filling the air with love and desire.
We talk and touch as we await the Moon.

Once darkness falls our clothes disappear as if they were powered by Sunlight.
We admire one another as our shadows and the sound of our breathing echoes in the Night air. Followed by the love we will express as our breath and bodies become One.