The World Outside My Window

is it True? is it Helpful? is it Inspiring? is it Necessary? is it Kind? Do you truly "T.H.I.N.K" before you speak? Typically I do, however the way I think has changed over time. Before my only care was if I found it "true" and "necessary", you know the "let me tell you about yourself" approach, funny thing about that is: not everyone cares if its actually true, as in "a fact". Most seem to simply operate out of their truth, which is subjective based on the number of facts they believe they have. Not researching further into a situation prior to speaking what they may know nothing or very little about. I was such a bitch, however it was because I said the things to someone's face that others gossip about behind their backs. I didn't care about friends, being liked or anyone's feelings, I figured "someone had to tell'em". Then I asked myself, "why do you HAVE to be that someone"? So I stopped. ...

Before I realized it a month had passed without Blogging; although it wasn't intentional, I feel some type of way about it.  I thought about transferring my thoughts from my journal(s), however I wanted to share something new, fresh and from the heart.  Trouble is, my heart is dealing with a few things that are too personal to share at the moment; perhaps as time goes on there will be more things that I can talk about, but for now... Crazy how things seem to unfold,  I prayed for many years for something with a deadline attached, I already know the "law of attraction" as well as that old saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it"... Well, it's too soon to tell, but I think (one of my many) prayers has been answered.  Unfortunately, the timing has me second guessing and reconsidering; which makes me feel as if I am being ungrateful or unreasonable in processing this possible change in my life.  Maybe the word I'm looking for is self...

Thought I'd check in and say a quick "Hello"; like many of you, I have been busy with the typical end of year errands.  However, thankfully I've also had many opportunities to write as well as lose myself in thoughts for various spaces (i.e.: the books, future posts, etc.). I am a bit excited to share the new expressions, I've been making a conscious effort to be more detailed in my writing.  Hopefully allowing you to see a vivid picture of the vision/ visual I attempt to create. Blessings.

Initially I was hesitant to discuss this "publicly", however I am currently donating my time towards the Blog, the Books (ideas, character development, etc.), two websites and starting a Non-Profit; in addition to providing care and concern to my Self, my mental health and the needs of my Loved Ones. I've dreamed of this for so long; it's truly a blessing to align myself with my goals, dreams, hopes, desires.. and watch them unfold. I slightly underestimated the amount of time these projects will take however I did not underestimate the love, effort and dedication they will require to come to life fully. I am beyond excited. Happy Thursday!

I am currently sorting through various feelings concerning my health and over all well-being.  This time away has really allowed me to take an introspective look at my self as well as my goals, hopes and dreams.  I feel an intense desire to work hard as well as smart to ensure my life is designed exactly as my God and I are creating.   The other day I decided to watch "The Secret" again, to my surprise I truly understood why I'd incorporated many of the practices taught in that documentary; and to say the ones I've consistently made my best effort to observe have been successful.  In more than a few areas of my life; helping me to see clearly the areas which still need a bit of care and improvement.  I begun an expression to share with the Blog a few days ago as a follow-up to " Venus on Display " and " Venus on Display: "Trust Issues, Thirst Traps and Guilt Tripping" , yet each time I dive a bit deeper into my Self, I tend to pause and ne...

"Don’t leave my Ocean for shallow Waters then ask me about the Moon." ~ Dream Hampton I can feel you attempting to summons me; like you've always done. If you can't tell, I'm ignoring you!   I've written about it before, however I find myself in a completely different level of bullshit that I refuse to entertain. I've decided to address it/ them so it's known that "I'm Real".  Feathers: Angry Birds, Pigeons & Chickenheads Some of your last words to me were "this isn't friendship; this is business." you made no effort to help in my time of need after all the advice, interventions and loyalty shown to you. You betrayed me on a level I've never known; getting over that was to me what I imagine it would be like to end an abusive marriage. Then to put the nails in the coffin, you said as a final remark, "go to your family and get a husband because I've already found mine".... Let's not forget, you got ri...

These feelings are uniquely unfamiliar; I've felt them before, many times;  but never to this magnitude. I recall this space, but typically the trip is over before I'm fully settled and had a chance to unpack my bags completely. I no longer recognize the shape of my Heart, it's been stretched to the point that it's unrecognizable to me. It's as if it's fully open, which frightens me; I suppose due to the amount of vulnerability it requires.   To think I'd get to be "a woman of a certain age" and finally begin to understand (slightly) what it means to love.  Not in the cliché sense of the term, this is something altogether different. I feel brand new to love; as if all of the hurts from the past have been erased.  A few days ago I posted on my Facebook that I'd given all of my "ugly Hurts" their "pretty Wings"; to be honest, I thought I was just being clever by playing on the words and songs of two of my favorite artist (...

Summer has official gone, as the weather begins to change I am reminded of my thoughts towards it all.  Fall has always been my least favorite season, it's so sweet yet so cold.  I will admit, Summer this year was full of surprises and truths I suppose I did not want to face.  Without going into a play by play; I will say, I am truly grateful for the awareness and lesson learned.  What I will say however, is to make sure to trust your gut, intuition, whatever you call it.  When something doesn't quite feel right, often times it's because you are being forewarned that "this may be a mistake" .  At least that's my take on the matter. So for days perhaps weeks I have been in "My Bubble", it's where I zone out the world and focus on my thoughts and feelings.  I've managed to escape a time or two, but once I return it's as if I'd never left.  There's this crisp coldness that feels all too familiar; it's cold yet you wouldn...

After writing I have this "habit" of proof reading several times before hitting "publish" some posts I have to "sleep" on to make sure it's coming from the proper tone & space. For this I attribute (no longer placing "blame" or pointing fingers) the lovely OCD and those often amusing Perfectionist tendencies.  Last night, rather this Morning was one of those times. After reading it with various perspectives in mind, i decided to publish and share. I felt as if the tone was appropriate and those words wanted to get out; along with a few other posts i am organizing in my thoughts. I had a little trouble sleeping as i could not get my Mind to "shut down", finally the many techniques work and I'm off to my Dreams. I awoke to compliments, new "followers" and an offer to join a blogging network.  I am humbled, thankful and grateful to God for the gift He has entrusted in me. I'm still in awe of the relationship I...

There's a certain someone who occupies a unique space in my Heart. I am unsure of the description; however I am aware of the location, it's "dead center". I don't recall ever feeling that way before, it makes me uncomfortable and in the past, insecure and even "desperate"; seeking attention and approval at all costs. Even to the point, I'd lost sight of who I was. It took a very odd moment for me to wake up and realize how out of hand things had gotten. I made an "Executive Decision" and severed all ties. I remember a few years ago I was at a Cousin's house (My "Love Guru #1") with her Family and I'd brought up "the one whose name we do not speak" at which time we began to talk about "Soul Ties", "Soul Mates" and "Twin Flames"; If my memory serves correctly I believe we were up to the early part of the Morning engulfed in conversation. By the time I'd gotten home it was clear t...

As some have noticed, it's been a while since I've shared my thoughts with you. On one hand, I'd like to apologize however I'm not sure why. As I pause for a moment to ask myself why I felt this way, the thought "it would be the nice thing to do" came to mind. On the other hand, as I've expressed on Twitter and in previous posts; I try not to use this as an outlet for whining and/or complaining. So I decided to "be still" until I had the words to share. I'm not quite sure where to begin or how much to share so this should be interesting lol. I decided it was time for me to return to church, this was a few months ago. So I prayed and meditated on what I needed, I was very clear with God as well as myself that I wasn't at all interested in "playing church". I wanted to be taught, nurtured, understood and productive. I didn't want to just sit in the pew and leave the same way I'd arrived. So after like months of conversa...

I'd convinced myself that I was not depressed,  I rationalized the fact that the way I behaved and felt was vastly different from the actions and words I expressed when I was obviously feeling that way.  So I shrugged it off and told myself that my psychiatrist was missing something as we exchanged words regarding my current medication which no longer worked and the replacement he'd suggested.  I make a point to research medications before taking them, I also make sure to discuss my other medications and herbs that I take to ensure it will not interfere with anything.   Finally I realized I've been putting off washing my hair for 2 weeks now, which means I havent washed my hair in 3 weeks, I am disgusted as I admit these words.  I know that something is wrong, so I began to be completely honest with myself and I prayed and in that moment I accepted the truth, which is I need to pick up my prescription, I was somewh...

  In a perfect world we'd have no sad days or whatever the feeling was that managed to creep in Thursday evening. Throughout the day I attempted to make progress regarding a particular situation.  Over the past year I've made so many changes within myself, at times it's hard to believe my thoughts, feelings and desires are vastly different from what they've been the majority of my life.  So, on days like  the one  I experienced I don't quite know what I am supposed to feel.  Better yet, how I am supposed to express those feelings.    I was annoyed, frustrated, angry at times and battling depression as it seemed things were highly unlikely to change any time soon. Since the initial issue with "The Angry Birds" , the onset of anxiety disorder  followed by a required leave of absence from "The Land of the Lost", I have made every effort to refocus my thoughts to a bigger, brighter future. ...

I've been trying to re-establish a relationship friendship for the past 6+ months to no avail.  In the past when dealing with this person, I wasn't completely myself.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I was myself,  just a very narrow view of me, the part that didn't have to express much or put myself "out there".  We continued to have the same arguments with the same agreement, yet nothing ever REALLY improved.  I then began to be myself, completely, unapologetically and still, no improvement.  So as the new year arrived and my birthday approached I realized that although we agreed to remain friends, that person has not been a friend to me however I've remained a friend to them (or at least put forth  a huge effort to do so).    I then decided that it was officially time to move forward, no announcements necessary, just do it .  I realized the decision stirred up some type of emotion and I can't quite put my finger on what it...

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned. As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost" ; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid...

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8a "God is Love" 1 John 4:8  "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."  1 John 4:16b     With various thoughts over the past week, I see now more than ever how "we" may pray for certain things to occur and when they actually happen "we" run away or do something/anything to sabotage the desired outcome.  I'm not quite sure how many times I've done this myself.  I guess it's the fear, but of what?  What exactly is it that holds us back?     As I headed to the gym at approximately 11 pm I felt afraid, like, something would happen.  Perhaps because I'd be there alone, but in this moment I could have chosen to turn back to the comfort of home or face the fear, the thoughts of my bikini body and the lovely clothes I plan to purchase (soon).  I chose the gym and I felt amazing afterwards!  Then I think back on how unhappy I was and the fact...

The past few days I've been having issue with a certain path, as I've expressed in "I'm on His Side" I feel as if part of me should take some time and invest the "necessary" effort into this person and see what happens.  However on the other hand, words of @ihustlenation come to mind stating, "If you're not married, you're single".   Simple enough, right? Well here's the thing, "My Favorite" failed to secure an exclusive understanding with me prior to him leaving.  I feel as if this thought concerning him has come up one time too many, I mean, if a person is scared, not ready, or whatever hang-up they decide to allow to stand in the way; how much time is reasonable to move on?   It's funny, I basically talk about the same 4 people throughout the years, but since their names aren't attached it may appear as if each story is about a new person.  That used to drive my ex crazy, nonetheless, I've known the ma...

There's a certain time of the day where the sky is pink , if I'm not mistaken this actually happens a few times during the day (in the morning as well as in the evening, around Sunset).  At times when I feel overwhelmed I look at the pink sky and know that everything is working out with my best interest in mind.  Yesterday, after a friend   and I were headed to the airport, I looked at the road ahead and shared my thought, "I love when the sky is pink", without hesitation he said "it's the golden time of the day" and my heart melted.  I realized, for the millionth time since Christmas, that I need him, I love him, I've chosen him and I felt as if the sky, being the color of "pure love" was a confirmation of the feelings in my heart, head & soul. I pray that I am not sharing these thoughts prematurely, however I understand that this is all apart of a journey and everyone has choices (damn free will) yet, I also believe that ju...

Yesterday as I prepared for him to return home, my anxiety was at an all-time high.  I used all of my "de-stress" techniques in order to hold back the tears, yet somehow I almost didn't make it.  The fact that he knows me like no one else amazes me, I guess that's what happens after 10+ years of friendship.  Not just knowing someone for a long time, but REALLY listening and learning who that person is.  Over the course of the time spent together I'd been reminded of how much I let him into my heart.  Like, he knows my secrets, my flaws, my dreams, my silliness... he knows ME   As he gathered his belongings and we set out to take care of the few things left on his "to-do" list, I became distant.  He asked several times "what's on your mind?" my reply "nothing" yet we both knew there was a lot I wasn't saying, he just didn't know what it was exactly.  He accepted the fact that I chose not to share my thoughts and we tri...

I used to believe he was "the one" however the path he chose and the choices he's made won't allow us to be together. I no longer hold it against him, in all honestly how could I? Sometimes I even understand on a certain level why he is the way he is; other times it baffles me. I trust(ed) him in a space not many people have been allowed in. So he knows how to handle me as no one else has been able to figure out. Sometimes I can sense when he's thinking about me, in those moments I used to reach out to him. I recall one instance where I fought it for as long as I could, but I always gave in. Even when I didn't completely want to, so I sent an email, very simple "I miss you" and within minutes he responded stating he was in the city and made plans to see me. The moment we were face to face he asked me "why did you stay away from me for so long?" And my reply was "you hurt me". This time I tried for as long as I could, to go wi...