is it Helpful?
is it Inspiring?
is it Necessary?
is it Kind?
Do you truly "T.H.I.N.K" before you speak? Typically I do, however the way I think has changed over time. Before my only care was if I found it "true" and "necessary", you know the "let me tell you about yourself" approach, funny thing about that is: not everyone cares if its actually true, as in "a fact". Most seem to simply operate out of their truth, which is subjective based on the number of facts they believe they have. Not researching further into a situation prior to speaking what they may know nothing or very little about. I was such a bitch, however it was because I said the things to someone's face that others gossip about behind their backs. I didn't care about friends, being liked or anyone's feelings, I figured "someone had to tell'em". Then I asked myself, "why do you HAVE to be that someone"? So I stopped.
Now I incorporate the "helpful" and "inspiring", in my opinion those are the most important. Kind is relative, mainly because sometimes the truth isn't "nice" to hear. However, word selection can "fix" that (sometimes). Today in therapy I spoke candidly with my psychologist, as I always do, the great thing about therapy is, I don't have to "think" about my answers to the questions, I don't have to care if things "sound nice" or how anyone else feels about my thoughts, feelings and emotions. That's one of the places where I am free to be myself, to the core and feel understood and safe.
There are very few spaces where I feel that these days. Most of the time I interact with people, I know that EVERYTHING is being judged. Somehow people believe that my weave is my hair, and when I'm honest about it they somehow feel deceived as if I'd conned them into believing it was then pulled the rug from under them. Next my clothes, "what designer is that?", "Oh, you got that bag from Target?", "when are you getting that Louie Vuitton?", "how many pairs of 'red bottoms' do you own?", "why'd you wear that?" -sigh- why the fuq do you care?!?! What does any of that have to do with who I am? I recall when I met *edited*, I was such a Shopaholic/ "Brand Whore", who cares how it looks really? It's ________. Over time I started to care less about designer only purchases, don't get me wrong, I love nice things and I'll choose quality over quantity any day, yet as I've matured I understand what can be simple (basic) and what should be "luxury", like who cares the name on my television? How's the picture? It's great, okay next question... Recently when I met him and his mother out, he complimented me on my bag and asked who it was by, I said "just some shop off Melrose" and he mentioned something about how I always find the "exclusives". I love that he knows me, he understands me and most importantly, he accepts me for who I am no matter what I have or how I look.
Today (well Yesterday at this point) was tough, last Wednesday I was a complete mess so initially I intended to keep my appointment then it was clear that I'd be late, finally I'd conceded to the fact that I wasn't up to it. So when I went in today I could tell that she was sizing me up, something I despise. As of late I feel as if our sessions are filled with her own agenda however since she hasn't come out and said what she actually feels or thinks I've chosen not to address it. The thing I felt as I left our last encounter was that my secret space had been contaminated. I feel as if she's rushing me and I am not sure why, the motive isn't clear and that alarms me. I'm starting to feel as if I can no longer trust her. I no longer feel the same confidence in her having my best interest at heart. Because of this I feel as if I shouldn't share the same degree of honesty, not that I would now become dishonest, but I am contemplating changing my approach from candid to a "need to know" basis.
There are very few people that I allow to see my candid side, the "flaws and all" Kamille. Funny thing is, a lot of people believe they know me and quite frankly they don't. I bet they'd argue the contrary, but who really cares? I had another conversation prior to my session which started off pleasant then took a turn for the worst. Some people are able to "dish it out" but truly can't take it. One of the things I love about this person is, he's "honest" with me, on the flip side, like everyone else he has no trouble telling me what his dislikes about me as well as everything I do wrong. Yet refuses to take responsibility for his part in our failed interaction. Once he completed his rant I just said "ok.", I mean what is there for me to argue? I'm not here to convince anyone of anything. Truth is truth no matter how you slice it, and for all of the people who believe I'm a horrible person there are the same if not more who would attest to the contrary. So who's right? Both, their perception is their reality and as that saying goes "what you think about me is none of my business".
The day began in an amazing space of peace, love and gratitude then morphed into this space of aloneness. I felt attacked by everyone I encountered in a relatively short span of time. On the bright side I did manage to get a decent run in before I was ready to shut down. I then cooked, cleaned my kitchen, took a bath and prepared for Bible Study. Briefly while in the bath (which I've dubbed "The Magic Hour" see #MermaidLife) I battled with staying in the tub for my usual 2 hour minimum and skipping class. I then realized the way I felt in that moment was exactly why I had to pull myself together and get a word to shift my energy. As this journey reveals itself, slowly, I am finding it more and more difficult to encourage myself. Don't get me wrong, I study my Bible, allow music to minister to me and made an attempt to be even more selective of the people I allow in a particular space. I am learning to be fair to myself, I used to be so selfish and self-centered, a self-proclaimed narcissist so as I've made changes I've begun to overcompensate, in turn creating unhealthy dynamics where I find myself getting "the short end of the stick". Somehow expecting others to care on the same level that I do. I believed that was the way of "a Christian", you know, "work as unto The Lord". Then I realized, God wants us to feel loved, appreciated, cared for and all other good things (countless scriptures support this) so why am I "killing" myself making everyone around me happy yet I'm left feeling unloved and unsupported?
I know EVERYTHING that people dislike and even "hate" about me, crazy thing is, I'm not talking about strangers, I'm talking about "friends" and family. I couldn't tell you a thing they genuinely like or even love about Me, oh, "I give good advice" that is as long as it co-signs their wants, needs and desires, otherwise I'm an "asshole" or I "go too hard" or whatever else is said behind my back blah blah blah. I feel as if I need to find a balance, I don't want to be the bitch that I was however being this "nice" and "polite" as much as it is who I actually am, I find the level of inconsideration and neglect I feel makes it difficult to continue to express. Which is why i hid it for SO long. For example I spoke with someone recently who has been stressed at work , well the ironic part is, I confided in this person when I first felt stressed at my job and needed his help in ways to relax and not to my surprise he was insensitive and could care less, because it didn't affect him. Well now the shoes on the other foot, and what do I do? Offer remedies to help relieve stress yet they aren't good enough because its not the outlet that he'd prefer. So I'm told often about "my bullshit" yet like a dumbass what do I do? Continue to send positive messages sporadically, so I say something positive and I thought it would be the typical exchange, not this day. His response is the same however I felt as if I should handle him the way I'd handle a conversation with anyone else. I was then called "crazy" because I gave words of optimism, positivity and encouragement O_o. With each exchange I expected the conversation to end, but it kept going.
The part that amazes me about people who judge me, I don't judge them, although I could and sometimes I think, should. But that's not "my lane", who am I to judge? I'm not perfect nor am I God, that's His job my job is to get closer to Him and express love, unconditionally. That part is NOT easy. The thing is, I was crazy; reckless, unkind, selfish, self-centered, a spoiled brat, possibly an alcoholic (2005- 2008)... The list goes on, yet no one was concerned then. No one called me "crazy" or thought anything was wrong, but now that I'm happy, they say I'm "weird", "crazy", "depressed" and would prefer that I spend my days medicated in order to return to work (prematurely). So I ask: who really has things mixed up?
I praise God for how far I've come, also acknowledging how much further I have to go. I also thank God for all the things I don't say, especially the things I have thought yet chosen not to entertain. Usually when people call me "mean" I can't help but laugh because if they knew the unfiltered thought(s) or the reprimand I'd received from God prior to what I could've let slip out of my mouth. I am grateful for God's mercy as I think about how "brutally" honest I could be, yet I am aware of how unnecessary that is. I appreciate the level of consciousness and understanding to know what to keep to myself and what to say, not out of arrogance, but out of confidence in knowing the difference.
The scripture comes to mind, Philippians 3: 12-21 (ERV) which states:
I don’t mean that I am exactly what God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal. But I continue trying to reach it and make it mine. That’s what Christ Jesus wants me to do. It is the reason he made me his. Brothers and sisters, I know that I still have a long way to go. But there is one thing I do: I forget what is in the past and try as hard as I can to reach the goal before me. I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to life up there in heaven. All of us who have grown to be spiritually mature should think this way too. And if there is any of this that you don’t agree with, God will make it clear to you. But we should continue following the truth we already have. Brothers and sisters, join together in following my example. Also, learn by watching those who are living the way we showed you. There are many who live like enemies of the cross of Christ. I have often told you about them. And it makes me cry to tell you about them now. The way they live is leading them to destruction. They have replaced God with their own desires. They do shameful things, and they are proud of what they do. They think only about earthly things. But the government that rules us is in heaven. We are waiting for our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, to come from there. He will change our humble bodies and make them like his own glorious body. Christ can do this by his power, with which he is able to rule everything.
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Philippians is a very good read especially for encouragement and guidance. As I read the passage above I actually had tears (once again since yesterday). I am so grateful for the circle I've found in my church, attending prayer on Tuesday evening followed by Bible Class on Wednesday was magical as things continue to align themselves all pointing towards God, the prayers I've sent up my entire life and the words He speaks to me during my silent moments and meditation.
I recall an encounter with a relative, I mentioned it briefly in an earlier post, and I asked "Do you believe God answers prayers?" And the look I received would have killed me if possible. I then said something about "Jesus just answered my prayer" and I was asked to leave their home. The hurt I felt in that moment I can't even put into words, yet I realized, that feeling is often how I feel when I am with others. It's as if my joy is sucked out of me, and I don't know how to make it stop. I refuse to return to my "anti-social" ways, yet I find them extremely appealing these days. Is that wrong? I know, I know, if you have to ask it probably is. So as I end this post, which will possibly make some feel a certain type of way (but not really because the likelihood of them actually reading it is slim to none) I am satisfied with what I've shared, I feel as if its time that I take the baby gloves off and be true to my calling, whatever it turns out to be. For now it's sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences, which I now feel obligated to do truthfully from my heart without guilt or shame of hurting someone's feelings, not as a retaliation for their lack of empathy regarding my own, but to encourage someone on their path. To show that "you are not alone", sometimes you just need to know that someone understands, that they can relate to what you're experiencing. Just know, like in whatever song/rap where 2pac says "2pac cares if don't nobody else care" well I care and more importantly God cares. Be encouraged, let the tears fall, cry out to God, The Most High, Creator of The Universe and allow Him to comfort you and bring a peace that passes understanding.
Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Timothy 1:17 NIV)
In Jesus name, Amen.
*originally posted sometime in 2013; date changed due to editing.
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