The World Outside My Window

Superman can fly high way up in the sky 'Cause we believe he can So what we choose to believe can always work out fine It's all in the mind So think of a place and imagine a time (Imagine a time, imagine a time) And let's go be lovers Believing me, Ooo wee baby Is believing right, yeah yeah yeah And... [Chorus:] I wanna love, wanna have, wanna hold you girl (Girl) So make me a believer (Wanna love, wanna love, wanna love, wanna love, wanna love, wanna girl) I wanna love, wanna have, wanna hold you girl (Girl) [Interlude:] Ooo so near And forever keep you here Forget all about whatever we fear (Whatever we fear) And let's just be lovers Loving and loving, oh love is the way To make me stay, make me stay Yeah, I know the way to persuade me over to your side And I am sure you can So if you get me to believe It all will work out fine 'Cause you'll blow my mind So let's pick a place and a day and a time (A place and a day and a ti...

It has become apparent that I desire to be in a committed, fulfilling, loving, monogamous relationship. The more I am faced with the reality of this fact, I must also admit that I am scared.  I cant truly put my finger on what is actually causing the fear, which leaves me in a space of stillness.  I've learned over the past few months, if something isn't clear in my mind and/or my heart, it's because it may not be time to take action.  Which is perfectly fine with me after all, whats the rush?   I know according to the "American Dream", I am far off course.  I am a  32 year old woman , no house with the white picket fence, successful husband, 2.5 kids or a dog.  What have I done with my life?!?! LOL or so they've programmed us to think.  I learned a long time ago, the cookie cutter/ one size fits all lifestyle is not for me.  I am a dreamer, I am romantic, I am particular (some would say controlling lol) not to mentioned flawed, b...

I'm finding it quite helpful to write about this anxiety situation. Although I've made the decision not to discuss the details surrounding the diagnosis, it has been good to express my thoughts and experiences. Yesterday was quite emotional, I've never been a cryer. I used to take pride in that, it was like a badge of (self) control, it was my way of showing that although I am a woman I am far from weak. However as I broke down sobbing several times for reasons I am not fully aware of I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Today as I attempted to open my eyes the migraine I felt pounding in my head made it clear that today would be just as difficult as the one before. So what do I do? I slept, for most of the day. Finally at about noon I realize I'm hungry, yet still unable to get out of bed I scroll through my twitter timeline and discover a link to @FeministaJones' YouTube™ video "Fear of the Independent Woman", this is a topic all too familiar. A lot ...

I remember being a teenager and having a conversation with someone (the details escape me); but I had a thought regarding the way people choose to represent themselves during the first few months after meeting them.   I described it as “The Representative”, over the years I realize it takes far longer to get to the “Core” of a person and some are so hidden that you may never know the “real” them.   I am reminded of an interaction I had with someone and in that moment I did not like myself very much, after I thought about things I realized I had misrepresented myself and although he was completely fine with things; I wasn’t.   Because I had grown to recognize who I am at the core, the representative that showed up in that occasion did not mesh well together.   That experience was one of the deciding factors for cleansing a few months ago (late May- early June); it was in that moment that I knew I must do my very best to avoid that feeling.   I distanced myself...

Today while dealing with my newfound friend who I can’t seem to shake, the anxiety was ever present throughout the morning.   As I type this I am aware of my many other issues and how one more is exactly what I DON’T need.   I am flawed; I will be the first to tell anyone.   I recall dating someone years ago and our connection was quite unique.   I’ve mentioned him a few times before, however at this moment I recall a conversation we had while I was helping him pack for a move.   As we were taking books off of his bookshelf and arranging them into boxes he asked me, “why are you single?” and without a second thought I began to rattle off all of my flaws and how I hadn’t met anyone who could accept me for the person I was.   Talk about honesty hour, I had no idea what his response would be and as I stated MY truths I did not think of how the rest of the conversation would go.   I can’t say “to my surprise” because I honestly had no expectation.  ...

This past weekend I decided to take a walk with my son through my neighborhood, the objective was to get away from the television, video games, and computer and actually spend some quality time together.   I’ve come to enjoy our one-on-one time, where we are engaged in conversation and he’s able to share his thoughts with me.    As we walked and talked, we ran into someone I knew many years ago.   It’s funny because I used to work in the area, about 4-5 blocks from my home.   I remember I’d drive to work each day passing the extravagant homes and say to myself “I want to live here one day”.   I worked for an Escrow company and the gentleman I ran into was our mail courier, he’d come in each day obviously to deliver mail, but also to flirt and hold brief conversations before going off to his next stop.   He was so happy to see me and we chatted for a bit before my son and I continued on our adventure.   As we approached the shops on the busy stree...

For some reason I have so much on my heart and mind yet I can not find the words to express them.  Today I found myself in a zone; I don't recall being there before so I cant quite explain that either. When I woke up, I felt at peace.  Typically, in the space of time when I am awake yet my eyes haven't opened is when I pray, meditate and just bask in the presence of God.  The city is quiet and there is a stillness which I don't really feel any other time of the day.  In that space I am grateful, thankful, appreciative, that is also the time when I make sure to pray for those who come to mind.  I seek guidance and ask God to lay out my path for me and to help me to see the pitfalls and traps "the angry birds" may try to set for me.  Today was slightly different because rather than preparing for work after this, I had to deal with the aftermath of the anxiety attack.  I can sense foolishness is coming, but I wasn't quite sure which direction it would c...

"If this me is not I, then who am I? If I am not the one who speaks, then who does? If this me is only a robe then who is the one I am covering?" ~ Rumi   Hopefully the voice is that of the Source of our being.  When we speak from the soul its a beautiful thing; its when we allow ego, pride and fear to speak that we cause trouble.

Meditation is the art of silencing the mind. When the mind is silent, concentration is increased and we experience inner peace in the midst of worldly turmoil. This elusive inner peace is what attracts so many people to meditation and is a quality everyone can benefit from. What are the Benefits of Meditation? I’ve been meditating twice a day for the past 9 years because I enjoy it. It may seem strange, but I feel happiest when sitting in perfect silence. The experience is difficult to express in words. It is akin to the “peace that passeth understanding”. It is also true that every meditation is not the same. Sometimes meditation is a struggle to control the mind, while at other times it feels effortless. These are some of the benefits of meditation: Improved concentration – A clear mind makes you more productive, especially in creative disciplines like writing. Less bothered by little things – Do you sometimes allow yourself to get upset by little things? It is the nature of ...

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise” -Oscar Wilde   A few things over the past few weeks had me thinking about that saying "blessings in disguise", I started to question for the first time how I felt about that statement.  I am not sure how a blessing could be disguised actually, I know to some that may seem naive or even quite stupid.  However, what is a blessing? According to dictionary.com here are a few definitions:   1. a special favor, mercy, or benefit 2. a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness . 3. the invoking of God's favor upon a person   Provided a person is in God's favor, that would require them to have a relationship with GOD, right? So if you are in relationship and you are communicating, how could the favor, mercy, gift, benefit be disguised?  You should've seen it coming, perhaps it doesn't look the way you expected or it came sooner or later tha...

I believe that's what's missing in the world. A man who truly loves his woman will have everything he needs to be the best he can be. For himself, his family and the community. Provided he chooses the right woman to love. I also believe the same is true for a woman who loves a man. It takes a strong person who can break free of their representative and be who they are to their core. That's where that type of love dwells. In the soul. I've learned fearlessness and vulnerability are at the core. Past the ego; the ego is fragile and wants to protect, so with it in control we'd never be open enough to experience that level of love.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her. Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense. Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen. Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing- every winged one, every furry and scaled one, every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one, every not yet born and dying one… Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life. If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough. If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet, you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her. If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason, beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety and all your superficial concepts of freedom. We have given ourselves so many choices we have forgotten that true liberation comes from standing in the middle...

Over the years I've had conversations with friends regarding a certain relationship, I'd say to them "I don't understand the purpose of this" and they had various perspectives based on their view from the outside looking in. We'd usually agree to disagree and change topics. Recently this person posed a demand (I almost said question, but it was stated in a way which offered no choice, or so he thought). According to him we were going to stop the games and my bullshit about getting good energy and we were going to be together. Wait, let me not paraphrase here because I think his exact words serve to reach a better understanding of my perspective. So according to him, I need to cut my bullshit good girl thing I'm trying to do because its not working, I'm his "bitch" and my pussy is his and his dick is mine. -insert blank stare here- I actually believe he was offended when I didn't jump at the "offer". Now I've known this p...

I've found in my roughest moments it is so important to have a solid support system. True, when you have a relationship with God; (s)he is all you need. Well here's the thing, God is with you, within you as well as all around you; however I also believe that s(he) works through people to supply your needs. This could come in the form of an encouraging word, a helping hand, compassion, empathy, reassurance, etc. You ever read something, turn on the TV or listen to music and it feels as if the message was JUST for you? Do you think that was a coincidence? Last week after the anxiety attack, I felt a little broken, I was completely off balance and my prayer and meditation wasn’t quite the same. My ever present insomnia was at its worst and I felt completely restless; usually when this happens I quiet my mind and whatever thoughts come up I attempt to tackle them. To my surprise, I had no thoughts; I was completely blank and unsure what I was supposed to do. So I watched some...

Last week I found myself in a rather uncomfortable space, although I may have been unaware mentally my body was dealing with quite a bit of stress. I would not allow "the angry birds" of life to get me down, or so I thought. So I continued each day as normal until I found myself in the doctors office being diagnosed with "anxiety disorder" after an anxiety attack. Since then I've developed hives which were progressively worsening. Now my head is involved, I'm a visual person so the sight of anything abnormal grosses me out! The fact that I'm disgusted to see the once smooth areas of my skin covered in tiny bumps makes my skin crawl. It was in that moment I knew something had to change. I've recognized how I allowed this to happen. It goes back to years of being passive in one particular area in my life and it wasn't until I realized and was honest with myself about it that I was able to consider an alternate perspective. I've allowed myself...

When i mention "the angry birds" these are people (friends, family, co-workers, etc) who are unhappy with their lives and will say or do anything to create drama or confusion in your happy situation. They choose to despise you because you have things, qualities, skills, whatever that they are envious or jealous of. Also see the often misused term, "haters"

I believe somethings come to you at a time when you need them the most.  I recall being in a very dark space and I did not like myself very much, it was too the point where I could not look myself in the mirror.  I was unhappy, overweight, angry, just to give you an idea, however if you've read a few of my other posts I've gone into detail about where I was.  I've also mentioned the things that propelled me on this journey that I've come to adore.  As I wrote about "Expectation(s)" , I began to realize how I've come to adapt a new approach to them.  It all started with "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Riuz, I realize how keeping these agreements improved my outlook as well as my relationships with myself and others.  The Four Agreements are:   1. Be Impeccable with your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the ...

I will admit, I still believe in fairytales.  My father instilled in me that I was a princess, his angel and I should make sure that any man trying to capture my heart treated me as such.  He also taught me to be independent, so that no matter what I could take care of myself and I wouldn't rely on someone, especially a man to have me in a position where I am dependent on them for my basic needs.  As I type this I am reminded of Joseline and Stevie J from Love & Hip Hop- Atlanta , in their dysfunctional love affair Stevie would often threaten Joseline with "sending" her back to the strip club where he'd found her.  And just as psychological abuse does, she got in line and began to "act right" out of fear that this man could and possibly would turn her chariot back into a pumpkin and send her to the despair she came from.    I guess when I think of a fairytale, I'm not looking for a Prince to come and "rescue" me from anything.  There are no...

"whenever we manage to love without expectations, calculations, negotiations, we are indeed in heaven" ~ Rumi   I've been known to be a person with high expectations, for myself and of those who I allow in my circle.  I've found the higher the expectation you have for someone the greater the risk of being disappointed.  There came a time when I had to re-evaluate these "standards" I somehow developed; I figured things had to look and be a certain way or something was wrong.  As I sit here I remember being a kid and even into adulthood, somehow nothing I did was good enough, so I almost drove myself crazy trying to be perfect.  I had to have the nicest things, my hair had to be a certain way, I had to get the best grades, etc. not saying that any of those things were bad; of course we all strive for excellence (or at least we should).  The problem I guess is the space I was pulling from, it wasn't that I was doing any of that solely for myself...