Superman can fly high way up in the sky
'Cause we believe he can
So what we choose to believe can always work out fine
It's all in the mind
So think of a place and imagine a time
(Imagine a time, imagine a time)
And let's go be lovers
Believing me, Ooo wee baby
Is believing right, yeah yeah yeah
And...
[Chorus:]
I wanna love, wanna have, wanna hold you girl (Girl)
So make me a believer
(Wanna love, wanna love, wanna love, wanna love, wanna love, wanna girl)
I wanna love, wanna have, wanna hold you girl (Girl)
[Interlude:]
Ooo so near
And forever keep you here
Forget all about whatever we fear (Whatever we fear)
And let's just be lovers
Loving and loving, oh love is the way
To make me stay, make me stay
Yeah, I know the way to persuade me over to your side
And I am sure you can
So if you get me to believe
It all will work out fine
'Cause you'll blow my mind
So let's pick a place and a day and a time (A place and a day and a time)
And then we'll be lovers
Loving and loving, oh love is the way
To make me stay, make me stay
[Chorus and Fade]
Not Quite (Ready for Love)
It has become apparent that I desire to be in a committed, fulfilling, loving, monogamous relationship. The more I am faced with the reality of this fact, I must also admit that I am scared. I cant truly put my finger on what is actually causing the fear, which leaves me in a space of stillness. I've learned over the past few months, if something isn't clear in my mind and/or my heart, it's because it may not be time to take action. Which is perfectly fine with me after all, whats the rush?
I know according to the "American Dream", I am far off course. I am a 32 year old woman, no house with the white picket fence, successful husband, 2.5 kids or a dog. What have I done with my life?!?! LOL or so they've programmed us to think. I learned a long time ago, the cookie cutter/ one size fits all lifestyle is not for me. I am a dreamer, I am romantic, I am particular (some would say controlling lol) not to mentioned flawed, but I believe I know what I want, need as well as what I desire. I desire to meet the man of MY dreams, we fall in love and follow the path that our hearts create. Simple, right? Well here's the thing; past experiences, trust issues, intuition, insecurities, independence. These are the categories lumped under the "Fear" umbrella. I guess if I type them out and my thoughts associated with them perhaps I can get to my real issue and move forward. Here we go:
Past Experiences- I guess this is pretty self explanatory, however we are a sum of all of our experiences to date. The good as well as the unpleasant, of course in order to rationalize the outcome we take the good and twist it as great however the "not so good" must've been a lesson to learn. Well did we learn the lesson? or simply blame the other person and list everything that was wrong with him/her? Over the past few months I've been able to mend several relationships, I've actually become friends with two of my ex's which is damn near a miracle because things did not end well in either of those relationships. I was not the best person to deal with once I was hurt, you know the saying "hurt people, hurt people"? that was me! I'd say whatever I could muster to make a person feel as close to the hurt as I felt. I didnt lie to do this, which I'm sure made it worse, saying those things you know a person is insecure about and pouring your salt in their wound. Thank God I've matured from that.
Trust Issues- Of course past experiences have a way of shaping our thoughts, expectations and standards when dealing with other people. In my heart I have this motto, I guess you can call it that. This motto is a belief that everyone I meet starts out with my trust, from the gate you're at a 10; however as things happen I assess if you've remained or dropped down a notch or two. Some say I am naive, but I truly like to see the good in people. I call it optimism (another lost emotion). I am often disappointed when the scale starts to tip and that person is no longer at a 10 with me. I guess the silver lining would be, at least we had moments of purity before things dwindled which in my opinion is better than starting everyone from 0 and making them jump through hurdles and various obstacle courses to win your trust, love and affection.
Intuition- As I've begun this journey into a deeper awareness I have somehow tapped into a new level of intuition. I recall meeting a guy through mutual friends at an outing, before he left he made sure to tell me to "friend" him on the Facebook. I did enjoy our brief conversation as well as the fact we had this activity in common, so I thought "there's no harm in making a new friend". Right away he begins sending me messages and within the first few exchanges I can tell he is fishing for much more than I'm offering. The conversation progresses and at this point my antenna is going haywire. So I call him out on it, of course he denies his intention yet disappeared from my messages. Now he randomly appears with his "likes" or a message here and there; most recently a random invite which rubbed me the wrong way. Sometimes I am torn with this "gift", its like I don't want to see the undesirable in people, I mean he didn't really do anything wrong. However he didn't take a moment to realize that the bait I had on the line was far different than what he was fishing for. I truly wish men (in this day and age I must include women too) would take a moment to know their audience and act accordingly.
Insecurities- Hmm how do I start this one? I know this will be so hard to believe, but I am not perfect. -gasp- I recall an episode of "Sex & the City" when Aidan moved into Carrie's apartment and she wrote an article describing "secret single behavior", it sounds funny, but I'm sure once you moved out of your parents home or the college dorm and into your own place you've developed some habits, rituals, routines, etc. that are private. I am a bit scared to share that with someone, to some waiting for me to get dressed nine times out of ten is no big deal, but in a relationship that shit gets old fast. Sometimes I can be a bit naive, I blame this on my ridiculously sheltered upbringing, I can be moody (its the only child + Capricorn in me), and my favorite, as a way to decompress after work I like to play music, light candles, pour a glass of wine and enjoy a nice hot bubble bath. Nothing wrong with that right? well I find myself in the tub for up to 2 hours. Since I am single, this doesnt interfere with anything, however in a relationship how much of that will I have to alter? I guess it all boils down to the ability to trust that once someone is close enough to see who you truly are, they'll still want to stick around. I have yet to meet that person, and when I am honest with myself sometimes I doubt that I will.
Independence- I'm sure you saw this coming if you read "who takes care of the independent woman" I've taken care of myself for quite some time, when given the opportinutiy to step in and assist as the man I need, most have fallen short. Dealing with my Father, Son and male Friends I've come to understand that some men still understand the value of a woman's energy and what she brings to the table. However, in this pop culture society many thoughts as well as actions towards women are quite disrespectful (see Hip Hop/ Rap lyrics and videos, now a days add R&B to the list too), hell stick around twitter for any length of time and watch how a large number men refer to woman as "bitches" and "hoes" amongst other things. Sad thing is when women turn around and refer to themselves in the same manner, I cant speak on that too much because my awareness is forcing me to remove the word from my vocabulary and I find it quite difficult at times; but I digress. I guess I said all of that to say, I have a percular standard about myself and how I want things done, how I expect to be treated and I understand my insecurities so I'd need that person to respect and adapt to me. Perhaps this is where the connection comes in.
Bingo! Here's the fear: I am afraid of obtaining that level of connection with someone. To know a person core to core can be quite intense, it's been over a decade since I've felt that. However honestly I've felt it recently, he said my words were a mirror of his thoughts, we'd spend hours together building a friendship and he's been a complete gentleman. Nothing inappropriate, EVER. Of course there's something wrong, right? Right, he is unavailable, so our friendship begins and ends right there. I will admit I did not expect to meet someone so close to what I'd like in a companion, I dont even know very much about him however I know how he looks through me and into my soul. How likely is that to happen again? I've tried to create that type of connection with others and they havent been receptive, I'm starting to believe that it isnt something you can "create", it must happen organically. Which makes me also believe that I am being prepared so that when it does happen again and the person is unattached I will no longer have this fear and will be able to embrace the connection and have the desire of my heart.
I guess in saying "not quite", I am saying to the Universe, continue to prepare me, Please & Thank you!
Who Takes Care of the "Independent Woman"?
I'm finding it quite helpful to write about this anxiety situation. Although I've made the decision not to discuss the details surrounding the diagnosis, it has been good to express my thoughts and experiences. Yesterday was quite emotional, I've never been a cryer. I used to take pride in that, it was like a badge of (self) control, it was my way of showing that although I am a woman I am far from weak. However as I broke down sobbing several times for reasons I am not fully aware of I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Today as I attempted to open my eyes the migraine I felt pounding in my head made it clear that today would be just as difficult as the one before.
So what do I do? I slept, for most of the day. Finally at about noon I realize I'm hungry, yet still unable to get out of bed I scroll through my twitter timeline and discover a link to @FeministaJones' YouTube™ video "Fear of the Independent Woman", this is a topic all too familiar. A lot if people tend to assume that a woman who takes care of herself doesn't need anyone, more specifically, a man for anything. As I find myself physically, mentally and emotionally "under the weather" I couldn't disagree more. I'm home alone with an empty refrigerator so I have no choice but to go somewhere if I'm going to eat. I get myself together and think, just go to the corner store and get a cup 'o noodle and something to drink, that'll hold you til dinner. As I proceed to walk to the store I stop in my tracks as I consider the death I am about to digest. I have another thought, go to Village Pizzeria (@villagepizzala) and get veggie pizza, you'll exercise and get a good meal so you may feel better. Bet!
So I get my Pandora app going and I'm grooving to a variety of music as the warm sun kisses my body and I'm off on my adventure. I feel better, still not my best, but its an improvement. As I approach the first intersection I decide to take the opposite route taken with my son this past weekend. I think "park first, then pizza", at this point it's almost 2pm so I need to get there quickly to enjoy the swings without the guilt of waiting kids. I pass an ice cream truck and decide I deserve a treat, blue bunny has a way of making things better. I arrive at the park after just finishing my double strawberry ice cream sandwich and of course the swings are vacant as if they were waiting for me. I take off, wind in my hair, smile on my face, not a care in the world. Now back to my original mission: food! As I sit on the bench to dump the sand from my shoes I notice the couple seated on the bench next to me get up. And before I know it they're giggling and headed to the swings I'd just left. In that moment my heart smiled, they didn't say a word to me and I don't even think they made eye connect, but on some level I know I was their inspiration and that was enough.
I have a great walk, I feel refreshed even with the headache still lingering. I enjoy my pizza, I even had them add spinach and garlic since the thought came to me. Had to remind myself to trust my thoughts towards my best interest. It was delicious! Now I'm home, I meditate and listen to another YouTube™ video of Dr. Jackie McCullough followed by a nap. Upon waking I realize this headache has been with me all day, so I plan to visit the doctor bright and early in the morning.
It's funny, when I started this post I kind of thought it was going in a different direction, now I am reminded of several conversations I've had over the years with a certain person. He always thinks I have my shit together, I recall sharing my fears, doubts, challenges with him on a couple occasions and his response was always "you'll figure it out, you always do". I also recall damn near begging him to spend time with me and the fact that at one point I just wanted to be in his arms and for him to tell me that everything would be okay. I recall admitting to him that I needed him and he laughed and said something about he didn't believe it and asked why would I need him. As I typed that I'm reminded of a more recent exchange with a man I was dating and how he'd volunteered to "take care" of me, he wanted to provide me with my own apartment (I guess the fact I had a roommate was an issue for him), he wanted to give me credit cards and various other things yet I could see the invisible strings attached. I knew his feelings (which intuition told me weren't as genuine as he'd hoped I believed) were much more intense than mine and his eagerness to "rescue" me was more of a turn off than what he was expecting.
I also recall my last relationship, we had our ups and downs, but he valued my independence yet was always there to be my "knight in shining armor". Like, after my accident when I was afraid to drive again and he offered reassurance then purchased a car for me. He knew with that gesture I'd find the courage to get behind the wheel again. Or when my body went through various changes and I didn't know what was happening so he accompanied me to the doctor for tests. And said that we'd get to the bottom of things and he knew I'd be fine.
I guess my point is, I (can't speak for the next woman), but I/she/me/her did not proclaim to be an "independent woman". I am a woman who finds herself doing things independently. I find that most of the men I come across have the mentality that I don't need them, I've heard the stories of men being browbeaten for opening doors and pulling out chairs and such. I get it, with (some of) these modern women it may be hard to tell what's expected of a man in today's society. However, consider that some women, such as myself are independent because if she didn't do it for herself it wouldn't get done.
I admit I miss being in a relationship, I miss taking care of someone. I recall my ex saying that no one had taken care of him the way I did. I took pride in buying cuff links, hiding encouraging cards around his home and office, cooking and making sure he was happy. I loved our talks about business and ways he could maximize his potential. I also loved how he saw and met my needs. We took care of one another. Most of the time I won't allow myself to dwell in that space because I find it very dangerous. I don't want to get caught up in nostalgia and forget why he is my ex. Granted we've been able to re-establish a friendship, however i understand that it absolutely shouldn't go any further than that. However on days like today, with three very different examples. It's apparent who takes care of this independent woman, and unfortunately it's me.
I long for the day I can cast my cares on someone in addition to Jesus. When I can put my head on a mans shoulder or chest and he can embrace me and provide reassurance. When he can offer advice or a listening ear. He'll even throw down that leg shaking, room spinning, out of body, love making that does wonders for a rough day. I'm reminded of Jill Scott's words on the song "The Fact Is (I Need You)" as she explains how although I can pay my own bills, take myself shopping, even kill a bug or two (I haven't mastered that one and I honestly don't want to, especially if there's a man nearby). We still need men, to be men. To provide the yin to our yang. To pull out of us the things buried within that only a man can. I find myself surrounded by men, my father, my son, even my best friend. When I'm with them I don't have to open doors or lift much of anything not because I can't or I refuse to, but because they understand the role they have as the men in my life. We value one another and the energy that we both bring.
I equate it to the harmony between the Sun (masculine) and the Moon (feminine), they co-exist respectfully. One doesn't diminish the other yet they have very specific duties and they honor them. Even during the day, you can still see the moon, but nothing's out of balance. It just works, I guess the fear of the independent woman is more like a bad bedtime story, misunderstood and taken out of context. If only men and women could draw from the example of the Sun and the Moon, then we could take care of one another. Until then, it's up to me.
So what do I do? I slept, for most of the day. Finally at about noon I realize I'm hungry, yet still unable to get out of bed I scroll through my twitter timeline and discover a link to @FeministaJones' YouTube™ video "Fear of the Independent Woman", this is a topic all too familiar. A lot if people tend to assume that a woman who takes care of herself doesn't need anyone, more specifically, a man for anything. As I find myself physically, mentally and emotionally "under the weather" I couldn't disagree more. I'm home alone with an empty refrigerator so I have no choice but to go somewhere if I'm going to eat. I get myself together and think, just go to the corner store and get a cup 'o noodle and something to drink, that'll hold you til dinner. As I proceed to walk to the store I stop in my tracks as I consider the death I am about to digest. I have another thought, go to Village Pizzeria (@villagepizzala) and get veggie pizza, you'll exercise and get a good meal so you may feel better. Bet!
So I get my Pandora app going and I'm grooving to a variety of music as the warm sun kisses my body and I'm off on my adventure. I feel better, still not my best, but its an improvement. As I approach the first intersection I decide to take the opposite route taken with my son this past weekend. I think "park first, then pizza", at this point it's almost 2pm so I need to get there quickly to enjoy the swings without the guilt of waiting kids. I pass an ice cream truck and decide I deserve a treat, blue bunny has a way of making things better. I arrive at the park after just finishing my double strawberry ice cream sandwich and of course the swings are vacant as if they were waiting for me. I take off, wind in my hair, smile on my face, not a care in the world. Now back to my original mission: food! As I sit on the bench to dump the sand from my shoes I notice the couple seated on the bench next to me get up. And before I know it they're giggling and headed to the swings I'd just left. In that moment my heart smiled, they didn't say a word to me and I don't even think they made eye connect, but on some level I know I was their inspiration and that was enough.
I have a great walk, I feel refreshed even with the headache still lingering. I enjoy my pizza, I even had them add spinach and garlic since the thought came to me. Had to remind myself to trust my thoughts towards my best interest. It was delicious! Now I'm home, I meditate and listen to another YouTube™ video of Dr. Jackie McCullough followed by a nap. Upon waking I realize this headache has been with me all day, so I plan to visit the doctor bright and early in the morning.
It's funny, when I started this post I kind of thought it was going in a different direction, now I am reminded of several conversations I've had over the years with a certain person. He always thinks I have my shit together, I recall sharing my fears, doubts, challenges with him on a couple occasions and his response was always "you'll figure it out, you always do". I also recall damn near begging him to spend time with me and the fact that at one point I just wanted to be in his arms and for him to tell me that everything would be okay. I recall admitting to him that I needed him and he laughed and said something about he didn't believe it and asked why would I need him. As I typed that I'm reminded of a more recent exchange with a man I was dating and how he'd volunteered to "take care" of me, he wanted to provide me with my own apartment (I guess the fact I had a roommate was an issue for him), he wanted to give me credit cards and various other things yet I could see the invisible strings attached. I knew his feelings (which intuition told me weren't as genuine as he'd hoped I believed) were much more intense than mine and his eagerness to "rescue" me was more of a turn off than what he was expecting.
I also recall my last relationship, we had our ups and downs, but he valued my independence yet was always there to be my "knight in shining armor". Like, after my accident when I was afraid to drive again and he offered reassurance then purchased a car for me. He knew with that gesture I'd find the courage to get behind the wheel again. Or when my body went through various changes and I didn't know what was happening so he accompanied me to the doctor for tests. And said that we'd get to the bottom of things and he knew I'd be fine.
I guess my point is, I (can't speak for the next woman), but I/she/me/her did not proclaim to be an "independent woman". I am a woman who finds herself doing things independently. I find that most of the men I come across have the mentality that I don't need them, I've heard the stories of men being browbeaten for opening doors and pulling out chairs and such. I get it, with (some of) these modern women it may be hard to tell what's expected of a man in today's society. However, consider that some women, such as myself are independent because if she didn't do it for herself it wouldn't get done.
I admit I miss being in a relationship, I miss taking care of someone. I recall my ex saying that no one had taken care of him the way I did. I took pride in buying cuff links, hiding encouraging cards around his home and office, cooking and making sure he was happy. I loved our talks about business and ways he could maximize his potential. I also loved how he saw and met my needs. We took care of one another. Most of the time I won't allow myself to dwell in that space because I find it very dangerous. I don't want to get caught up in nostalgia and forget why he is my ex. Granted we've been able to re-establish a friendship, however i understand that it absolutely shouldn't go any further than that. However on days like today, with three very different examples. It's apparent who takes care of this independent woman, and unfortunately it's me.
I long for the day I can cast my cares on someone in addition to Jesus. When I can put my head on a mans shoulder or chest and he can embrace me and provide reassurance. When he can offer advice or a listening ear. He'll even throw down that leg shaking, room spinning, out of body, love making that does wonders for a rough day. I'm reminded of Jill Scott's words on the song "The Fact Is (I Need You)" as she explains how although I can pay my own bills, take myself shopping, even kill a bug or two (I haven't mastered that one and I honestly don't want to, especially if there's a man nearby). We still need men, to be men. To provide the yin to our yang. To pull out of us the things buried within that only a man can. I find myself surrounded by men, my father, my son, even my best friend. When I'm with them I don't have to open doors or lift much of anything not because I can't or I refuse to, but because they understand the role they have as the men in my life. We value one another and the energy that we both bring.
I equate it to the harmony between the Sun (masculine) and the Moon (feminine), they co-exist respectfully. One doesn't diminish the other yet they have very specific duties and they honor them. Even during the day, you can still see the moon, but nothing's out of balance. It just works, I guess the fear of the independent woman is more like a bad bedtime story, misunderstood and taken out of context. If only men and women could draw from the example of the Sun and the Moon, then we could take care of one another. Until then, it's up to me.
The Representative
I remember being a teenager and having a conversation with someone (the details escape me); but I had a thought regarding the way people choose to represent themselves during the first few months after meeting them. I described it as “The Representative”, over the years I realize it takes far longer to get to the “Core” of a person and some are so hidden that you may never know the “real” them.
I am reminded of an interaction I had with someone and in that moment I did not like myself very much, after I thought about things I realized I had misrepresented myself and although he was completely fine with things; I wasn’t. Because I had grown to recognize who I am at the core, the representative that showed up in that occasion did not mesh well together. That experience was one of the deciding factors for cleansing a few months ago (late May- early June); it was in that moment that I knew I must do my very best to avoid that feeling. I distanced myself from the person and even blocked his information; I didn’t want to see calls, texts or emails from him. I wanted him out of my life completely, mainly because something about him brought out this person that wasn’t truly who I am. It was a fake, I didn’t speak the same, I didn’t express the things that were truly important to me, and I could not face that type of relationship any longer. After The Cleanse we somehow reconnected and he thought it necessary to tell me about myself. I took his words into consideration and then I shifted through the bullshit and saw that not only was he placing blame on me for the way things were, he did not take any responsibility for his hand in the foolishness. Along with that, he was addressing the person I am (The Core) regarding his interaction with a representative. I can’t even classify it as “my representative”, because that would not be accurate.
It was at that time that I understood, a person can have various ways of representing themselves however not all are true. I will admit, I represent myself a particular way while at work versus when I am at home. Which is expected, however at home as well as with friends and family I am completely myself. Yet, “the work” Kamille is still true to who I am, it is just selective with what is displayed. I don’t discuss my personal life with co-workers, especially not “the angry birds”, my conversation is extremely limited. The extent of it is dieting, cleansing, exercise, hiking and perhaps a television show and that’s extremely rare.
So back to this gentleman, I explained to him that I had misrepresented myself and for that I apologized however it was fine if we went our separate ways and if not he’d learn the difference between who he thought I was and who I actually am. The funny thing is, now that I am truly myself, I actually display substance with him when we interact. He actually believes that is the “fake” yet he is still hidden at the core. I have no idea who he is from one moment to the next and it’s quite annoying. One minute he’s nice and the next he’s a complete asshole. I feel like I should have him saved in my phone as Tyler Durden (see Fight Club), at times I just want him to go away and other times I wish he were close to me. I guess it’s a part of me who is able to connect with him and for that part I have no clue where to categorize it.
As I type this out my thoughts point towards making sure that the person I am “representing” is one and the same with the person I am at “the core”. I find it is much easier that way.
Trust Issues vs. Intuition
Today while dealing with my newfound friend who I can’t seem to shake, the anxiety was ever present throughout the morning. As I type this I am aware of my many other issues and how one more is exactly what I DON’T need. I am flawed; I will be the first to tell anyone. I recall dating someone years ago and our connection was quite unique. I’ve mentioned him a few times before, however at this moment I recall a conversation we had while I was helping him pack for a move. As we were taking books off of his bookshelf and arranging them into boxes he asked me, “why are you single?” and without a second thought I began to rattle off all of my flaws and how I hadn’t met anyone who could accept me for the person I was. Talk about honesty hour, I had no idea what his response would be and as I stated MY truths I did not think of how the rest of the conversation would go. I can’t say “to my surprise” because I honestly had no expectation. He was welcoming and understood everything I’d shared. I am happy to say my list of flaws has changed a bit since that conversation in hmmm late 2005- early 2006. I can’t say that it decreased, probably a few things have been swapped out.
We’ve discussed, or should I say, I’ve shared my neurotic relationship with my OB/GYN (see “Team Abstinence”). So there’s that, then we have my OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), I remember, the same guy would mention things to me and before he knew it I already had lists made out and was on to a game plan on how he/me/we could accomplish it. I recall one evening in particular, he invited me to his home to watch a movie and as the movie played and we talked he began to fold some type of flyers for an event or something he’d put together. Well he was doing it “wrong”, the folds weren’t equal, some weren’t facing the right direction, and you get the picture. So rather than explain to him how he was messing it up (from my perspective), I just kind of took over and did it “correctly”. As he witnessed this happening he just laughed and said how he knew I would do that. In that moment I could not figure out if he was playing me (handling the flyers in a way to get my attention knowing I would take over and do it “properly”) or if he was just being himself and knew me well enough to know that because I cared for him and whatever concerned him that I would do my best to assist him in any way I could.
I organize everything, nail polish, cleaners, dishes, even my feminine hygiene products (tampons, panty liners then pads… tmi sorry), but it has to be in a particular order or I feel as if it’s cluttered. I organize books by category, title (alphabetical) then by size. Clothes are by style (tanks, short sleeve, long sleeve, etc.) then color. Brushes are by style and size. I have to have a certain number of body wash and they must be a particular brand and scent. The list goes on. I compulsively wash my hands and I have to do things three times to register that it’s actually been done. To someone else this may seem like a lot (it’s not even the tip of the iceberg), but for me this is “normal”.
Then the trust issues; but that’s where I get a little stumped. As I’ve become aware of things in a different way I realize that what I once chalked up as “trust issues” was a bit more of intuition. The trouble comes when things come to pass and I knew it would be that way. I don’t always know if I just “knew” what the outcome would be or if I somehow didn’t believe so I manifested the outcome to fit my disbelief. I understand the Law of Attraction (also, see a documentary titled “The Secret” for more information), I believe that what you dwell on will manifest in your life. I have several examples of that throughout various posts, I’ve mentioned how I walked through a neighborhood while I worked at a job and would say to myself that I want to live there and now I do. I’ve mentioned how at one point I wanted to be in a relationship and composed a list of the qualities I wanted my partner to have and that happened as well. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. The bottom line is good as well as not so good, whatever you focus your thoughts on will manifest in your life.
Today I typed on my twitter (@ShoesEqualAmore) “I need to stop doubting myself regarding my wants, needs and abilities”. I realize that I don’t trust myself when it comes to many of my thoughts, well only when it comes to me. I can encourage and motivate almost anyone, I can find the best in someone, I can see their potential (most times), all without a second thought. I trust my intuition; however when it comes to my wants and even my needs, I will talk myself out of things. I’ll say “I don’t really need that” or “it can wait, I’ll just do this for ____ first”, even with making this blog public, for years I just refused to do it. I didn’t trust that anyone would read it or that I was good enough (I’m not even sure what I was comparing myself to). I am learning each day to believe in myself the way I believe in others, to see the good in myself and acknowledge my abilities. I figure that’s the only way to truly improve. I know I am brutally honest with myself which I don’t intend to change, however I need to show the same degree of love, respect and care as I’d expect from anyone else. Well actually more since I’m really all have. If you think about it, if you don’t care for yourself properly, how will anyone else learn?
So I will do better and trust my intuition especially when it comes to my own best interest.
Anticipating The Holidays
This past weekend I decided to take a walk with my son through my neighborhood, the objective was to get away from the television, video games, and computer and actually spend some quality time together. I’ve come to enjoy our one-on-one time, where we are engaged in conversation and he’s able to share his thoughts with me. As we walked and talked, we ran into someone I knew many years ago. It’s funny because I used to work in the area, about 4-5 blocks from my home. I remember I’d drive to work each day passing the extravagant homes and say to myself “I want to live here one day”. I worked for an Escrow company and the gentleman I ran into was our mail courier, he’d come in each day obviously to deliver mail, but also to flirt and hold brief conversations before going off to his next stop. He was so happy to see me and we chatted for a bit before my son and I continued on our adventure. As we approached the shops on the busy street full of people enjoying their Saturday afternoon, we decide to stop for Pizza. We were seated and enjoyed appetizers, apple juice and waited our food to arrive (2 slices of veggie and 2 ham w/ pineapple). It’s something about the shops and restaurants in the area, there’s a sense of community and harmony. As I watched the father with his sons stopping for a bite after some type of little league game and the family with their newborn out to dine for perhaps a first time in a while. I was at peace in my surroundings.
As we finished our dining experience and proceeded to walk home, I decided that we could walk the opposite way in order to take a detour to the park. I could tell he was almost as excited as I was and we headed to our destination with conversation ranging from school to exercise, astronomy, manners and responsibility. As he shared with me his feelings of the arrival of his new brother (expected in November) , I guess a light bulb went off and he decided to ask me what I wanted for Christmas, he expressed that he had $35.00, but wanted to make sure to get something for me, his dad, his dad’s girlfriend and his grandparents. I then mentioned his sister, and he said “yeah, her too I guess” lol. I told him not to focus on the money, just get his lists together and we’d see what we could do. I then instructed him to have his list ready by Halloween, I told him to put everything he wanted and to think of it as a “wish list”. I explained that he could get everything on the list or some things on the list, but he should be appreciative for whatever he gets. He was excited and understood the concept, mainly because we have that conversation each year. Since he was very young I made sure to teach him the “true” meaning of Christmas and the value of family. Although it’s good to receive it is honestly much better to give. I shared with him how I am looking forward to decorating and shopping and all that is involved with the holiday season. He doesn’t know it yet, but I’ll be looking into volunteering at Thanksgiving and Christmas so we can give to those less fortunate.
In expressing these thoughts I am reminded of why I love Christmas, for years I had forgotten because of the way society tends to commercialize it with Santa Claus and other foolishness. Despite the argument of the true time in which Jesus was born, I appreciate the fact that the world is acknowledging the fact that He was born. Along with the spirit of giving, goodwill, harmony, love, acceptance and other positive characteristics which are typically overlooked and forgotten during the rest of the year (by the majority, or so it seems). I am looking forward to the holiday music and the spirit of cheer that feels the atmosphere. If only everyday were a holiday and people we able to channel that energy all year long. If only…..
The Simple Things
For some reason I have so much on my heart and mind yet I can not find the words to express them. Today I found myself in a zone; I don't recall being there before so I cant quite explain that either. When I woke up, I felt at peace. Typically, in the space of time when I am awake yet my eyes haven't opened is when I pray, meditate and just bask in the presence of God. The city is quiet and there is a stillness which I don't really feel any other time of the day. In that space I am grateful, thankful, appreciative, that is also the time when I make sure to pray for those who come to mind. I seek guidance and ask God to lay out my path for me and to help me to see the pitfalls and traps "the angry birds" may try to set for me.
Today was slightly different because rather than preparing for work after this, I had to deal with the aftermath of the anxiety attack. I can sense foolishness is coming, but I wasn't quite sure which direction it would come. Without going into detail, foolishness is presented and thought I would keep quiet and allow it to take hold of my thoughts. The funny thing about this journey is how predictable some people allow themselves to be. I by no means feel as if I have everything figured out, however what does come to mind is "play a sucker to catch a sucker" see 48 Laws of Power. In this society of instant gratification and what I refer to as "microwave logic" no one really invests in knowing who they're dealing with. They assume that because most people are rather hmm "simple", they expect everyone they encounter to be the same. The person just happened to be unprepared and I was ready for whatever was thrown my way. That's the power of prayer, meditation and allowing God to guide you. I will admit, dealing with this person did rattle my spirit, not because I believed what was said, but because of his intention. The trap he unsuccessfully attempted to set and the fact that it most likely worked on quite a few people who crossed his path.
From that moment, all I could think about was the need to wash the day off of me. There's something about setting an atmosphere of tranquility, a space of pampering which allows you to unwind and shed the events of the day. Soaking, relaxing, washing the day down the drain while listening to music by candlelight with a glass of wine. Somehow once the towel is wrapped around my body and the music is playing as the water leaves the bathtub with the essence of the day with it. I feel at peace, I am ready to meditate, have a conversation or whatever the evening brings.
Sometimes its the simple things that make everything a little bit brighter. And the fact that I have 6 blog entries sitting in my drafts with not a single thought to attach to them doesn't concern me. I know the thoughts will come and the words will fit exactly as they should. Just like the water touching my skin and and saturating my soul with the element of clam that I needed. I understand that everything happens in it's own time. I read a tweet from @IyanlaVanzant a while ago which stated "We cannot rush the sunrise or pay to bring on the full moon. Everything will happen when it is supposed to happen". With that, I appreciate the simple things in life and the space of peace that I am in at this moment.
It is foolish or perhaps arrogant is a better word to expect another day; we are all here by the grace and mercy of God, so why stress over things you have no control over? Things that will be here long after your spirit ascends from your body. The thought of my body taking on this anxiety that my soul was unfazed by is strange to me. I guess what bothers me most, is that it creates the need for me to engage in various situations that I normally wouldn't have to deal with. Then I think, maybe that's the plan. I am clearly out of my comfort zone and I am faced with a responsibility that I did not see coming. I guess its all about balance; had there not been the complexity of life, I would not acknowledge or truly appreciate something as simple as a bubble bath.
Today was slightly different because rather than preparing for work after this, I had to deal with the aftermath of the anxiety attack. I can sense foolishness is coming, but I wasn't quite sure which direction it would come. Without going into detail, foolishness is presented and thought I would keep quiet and allow it to take hold of my thoughts. The funny thing about this journey is how predictable some people allow themselves to be. I by no means feel as if I have everything figured out, however what does come to mind is "play a sucker to catch a sucker" see 48 Laws of Power. In this society of instant gratification and what I refer to as "microwave logic" no one really invests in knowing who they're dealing with. They assume that because most people are rather hmm "simple", they expect everyone they encounter to be the same. The person just happened to be unprepared and I was ready for whatever was thrown my way. That's the power of prayer, meditation and allowing God to guide you. I will admit, dealing with this person did rattle my spirit, not because I believed what was said, but because of his intention. The trap he unsuccessfully attempted to set and the fact that it most likely worked on quite a few people who crossed his path.
From that moment, all I could think about was the need to wash the day off of me. There's something about setting an atmosphere of tranquility, a space of pampering which allows you to unwind and shed the events of the day. Soaking, relaxing, washing the day down the drain while listening to music by candlelight with a glass of wine. Somehow once the towel is wrapped around my body and the music is playing as the water leaves the bathtub with the essence of the day with it. I feel at peace, I am ready to meditate, have a conversation or whatever the evening brings.
Sometimes its the simple things that make everything a little bit brighter. And the fact that I have 6 blog entries sitting in my drafts with not a single thought to attach to them doesn't concern me. I know the thoughts will come and the words will fit exactly as they should. Just like the water touching my skin and and saturating my soul with the element of clam that I needed. I understand that everything happens in it's own time. I read a tweet from @IyanlaVanzant a while ago which stated "We cannot rush the sunrise or pay to bring on the full moon. Everything will happen when it is supposed to happen". With that, I appreciate the simple things in life and the space of peace that I am in at this moment.
It is foolish or perhaps arrogant is a better word to expect another day; we are all here by the grace and mercy of God, so why stress over things you have no control over? Things that will be here long after your spirit ascends from your body. The thought of my body taking on this anxiety that my soul was unfazed by is strange to me. I guess what bothers me most, is that it creates the need for me to engage in various situations that I normally wouldn't have to deal with. Then I think, maybe that's the plan. I am clearly out of my comfort zone and I am faced with a responsibility that I did not see coming. I guess its all about balance; had there not been the complexity of life, I would not acknowledge or truly appreciate something as simple as a bubble bath.
Rumi Question(s)
"If this me is not I, then who am I? If I am not the one who speaks, then who does? If this me is only a robe then who is the one I am covering?" ~ Rumi
Hopefully the voice is that of the Source of our being. When we speak from the soul its a beautiful thing; its when we allow ego, pride and fear to speak that we cause trouble.
4 Powerful Reasons to Meditate and How To Get Started
Meditation is the art of silencing the mind. When the mind is silent, concentration is increased and we experience inner peace in the midst of worldly turmoil. This elusive inner peace is what attracts so many people to meditation and is a quality everyone can benefit from.
These are some of the benefits of meditation:
But I don’t have time To Meditate
Many people like the idea of meditation, but feel they don’t have enough time. When you really want to do something you can find time. Get up earlier or watch 30 minutes less TV. Meditation requires an investment of time, but clearing the mind makes the the rest of the day more productive. Nothing is better than the feeling of inner peace. What is the point in being tremendously busy but unable to enjoy it? Meditation is not about retreating from the world; it gives us inspiration. Whatever you do, if you have peace of mind, your work will be more enjoyable and productive.
However you learn to meditate, you must learn to concentrate on one thing at a time. Usually, the mind tries to hold several different thoughts and ideas at once. When you sit down to meditate for the first time, you realize how cluttered the mind is. Mediation teachers have described the mind as a “mad monkey”. However, the mind can be tamed and forced to concentrate on a single thought.
One helpful technique is concentrating on a candle flame. Narrow your gaze to the small tip and block out all other thoughts. When you get distracted, go back to focusing on the candle flame. You can also use other objects like a small dot or flower. The important thing is that you concentrate only on one thing at a time.
Mantra
Another way to learn concentration is through the use of mantra. A mantra is the repetition of a sacred word. For example, you might repeat the mantra AUM a certain number of times. Repeating a mantra forces the mind to focus on a single thought.
Silent Mind
After you’ve practiced concentration and learned to focus on one thing at a time, you can proceed to the next stage: no thought at all. Achieving a silent mind is difficult, but when to attain it the experience is powerful. A technique I advise is viewing your thoughts as separate from your self. When a thought appears, make a conscious decision to throw it out of your mind. Over time you realize that you are capable of allowing or rejecting thoughts. Your real “I” is not a collection of thoughts, but something far deeper. This is the most significant realization of meditation – that you do not have to be a slave to your thoughts.
Through meditation, you attain the power to control your thoughts, and on occasion stop them completely. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t attain a silent mind straightaway. It takes time and practice. There is nothing really else to it; meditation is a simple and spontaneous action. Unfortunately, our mind is used to complication and it takes time to unlearn bad habits.
Written by Tejvan Pettinger
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/4-reasons-you-should-meditate-and-how-to-get-started/
What are the Benefits of Meditation?
I’ve been meditating twice a day for the past 9 years because I enjoy it. It may seem strange, but I feel happiest when sitting in perfect silence. The experience is difficult to express in words. It is akin to the “peace that passeth understanding”. It is also true that every meditation is not the same. Sometimes meditation is a struggle to control the mind, while at other times it feels effortless.These are some of the benefits of meditation:
- Improved concentration – A clear mind makes you more productive, especially in creative disciplines like writing.
- Less bothered by little things – Do you sometimes allow yourself to get upset by little things? It is the nature of the mind to magnify small things into serious problems. Meditation helps us detach. We learn to live in the here and now, rather than worrying about the past or future. We do not worry about meaningless things, but see the bigger picture.
- Better Health – There have been numerous studies pointing to the health benefits of meditation. The reason is that meditation reduces stress levels and alleviates anxiety. If we can reduce stress, many health benefits follow.
- Knowledge of Self – Meditation enables us to have a deeper understanding of our inner self. Through meditation we can gain a better understanding of our life’s purpose.
Is Meditation Religious?
The great thing about meditation is that our philosophy/religious belief is not importanct. Meditation is about consciousness. The beliefs of the mind become trivial. We dive deep into the heart of the matter to gain access to our soul – our inner reality. Therefore, mediation can (and is ) practiced by people of different religions or no religion.But I don’t have time To Meditate
Many people like the idea of meditation, but feel they don’t have enough time. When you really want to do something you can find time. Get up earlier or watch 30 minutes less TV. Meditation requires an investment of time, but clearing the mind makes the the rest of the day more productive. Nothing is better than the feeling of inner peace. What is the point in being tremendously busy but unable to enjoy it? Meditation is not about retreating from the world; it gives us inspiration. Whatever you do, if you have peace of mind, your work will be more enjoyable and productive.
How To Meditate
Like anything worthwhile, meditation requires practice. To get the most from meditation you need to do it every day. This requires a place and time where you will not be disturbed. Check out this cool mindmap pdf for inspiration: meditation.pdf- Sit with a straight back. Don’t try to meditate lying down because you are likely to fall asleep. Meditation brings relaxation and peace but at the same time this is a dynamic peace. Meditation is quite different than the relaxation of sleep. When we really meditate, we are fully alert and conscious. Our sense of awareness is heightened. Afterwards you’ll have a positive feeling for the world and a renewed sense of dynamism.
- Don’t eat before meditating. After a heavy meal your body will be lethargic with digestion.
- It is not necessary to mediate in the lotus posture. It is fine to meditate in a chair, as long as the back is straight.
- It is helpful to take a shower before meditating.
- Burning incense and having a candle are not necessary, but they can add a little extra inspiration.
- It is good to meditate early in the morning. It is said the best time is 3am, although, I feel it is more important to be awake and not sleepy, I meditate at 6.30am.
However you learn to meditate, you must learn to concentrate on one thing at a time. Usually, the mind tries to hold several different thoughts and ideas at once. When you sit down to meditate for the first time, you realize how cluttered the mind is. Mediation teachers have described the mind as a “mad monkey”. However, the mind can be tamed and forced to concentrate on a single thought.
One helpful technique is concentrating on a candle flame. Narrow your gaze to the small tip and block out all other thoughts. When you get distracted, go back to focusing on the candle flame. You can also use other objects like a small dot or flower. The important thing is that you concentrate only on one thing at a time.
Mantra
Another way to learn concentration is through the use of mantra. A mantra is the repetition of a sacred word. For example, you might repeat the mantra AUM a certain number of times. Repeating a mantra forces the mind to focus on a single thought.
Silent Mind
After you’ve practiced concentration and learned to focus on one thing at a time, you can proceed to the next stage: no thought at all. Achieving a silent mind is difficult, but when to attain it the experience is powerful. A technique I advise is viewing your thoughts as separate from your self. When a thought appears, make a conscious decision to throw it out of your mind. Over time you realize that you are capable of allowing or rejecting thoughts. Your real “I” is not a collection of thoughts, but something far deeper. This is the most significant realization of meditation – that you do not have to be a slave to your thoughts.
Through meditation, you attain the power to control your thoughts, and on occasion stop them completely. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t attain a silent mind straightaway. It takes time and practice. There is nothing really else to it; meditation is a simple and spontaneous action. Unfortunately, our mind is used to complication and it takes time to unlearn bad habits.
Written by Tejvan Pettinger
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/4-reasons-you-should-meditate-and-how-to-get-started/
Are Blessings Ever Disguised?
“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise” -Oscar Wilde
A few things over the past few weeks had me thinking about that saying "blessings in disguise", I started to question for the first time how I felt about that statement. I am not sure how a blessing could be disguised actually, I know to some that may seem naive or even quite stupid. However, what is a blessing? According to dictionary.com here are a few definitions:
1. a special favor, mercy, or benefit
2. a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness.
3. the invoking of God's favor upon a person
Provided a person is in God's favor, that would require them to have a relationship with GOD, right? So if you are in relationship and you are communicating, how could the favor, mercy, gift, benefit be disguised? You should've seen it coming, perhaps it doesn't look the way you expected or it came sooner or later than you wanted it, but at some point you mentioned it or even asked for it. So if you've asked for something and it is delivered, at what point is there a disguise? I guess we should then look at what a "disguise" is:
1. to change the appearance or guise of so as to conceal identity or mislead, as by means of deceptive garb
2. to conceal or cover up the truth or actual character of by a counterfeit form or appearance; misrepresent
3. that which disguises; something that serves or is intended for concealment of identity, character, or quality; a deceptive covering, condition, manner, etc.
I guess my inability to accept this concept is because I believe that everything in life, good and the unpleasant serves a purpose. The scripture comes to mind "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to
them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV. In typing that I am reminded of a situation I found myself in recently, I prayed and began to meditate on my finances. I wanted to make sure things were iron tight as far as saving, investing, budgeting, debt, etc. Not long after I said that I was bombarded with unexpected expenses. Initially I was upset and a bit overwhelmed, then it hit me, I am now placed in position to truly get my finances in order the way I prayed for them to be. I got what I asked for, so why would I then turn around and say the blessing is disguised?
I also believe we may pray for things we aren't ready to receive or perhaps we pray for things and don't trust or maybe we just don't believe God will actually answer our prayers. A few months ago I had a thought, it was "God still answers prayers, He just doesn't follow instructions". I am now very careful with my requests, even in joking because they've come to pass and I was stuck with the outcome. I can not express enough how powerful words are, like even to say the blessings of God are disguised. To me that seems a bit selfish or ungrateful, like, you asked God to do something and it gets done then to say it was covered up or concealed. Which takes away from acknowledging the fact that God answered your prayer, why? because it don't come in the pretty bow and shiny box you expected?
I have become exteremly mindful of my requests, because I know some things that I desire I am not quite ready for and some things I think I want, I know once they arrive I would not be as happy as the fantasy of it all. In the end I am thankful, grateful, appreciative, joyful and aware of God's blessings and favor in my life.
My thoughts (regarding the post below)
I believe that's what's missing in the world. A man who truly loves his woman will have everything he needs to be the best he can be. For himself, his family and the community. Provided he chooses the right woman to love. I also believe the same is true for a woman who loves a man.
It takes a strong person who can break free of their representative and be who they are to their core. That's where that type of love dwells. In the soul.
I've learned fearlessness and vulnerability are at the core. Past the ego; the ego is fragile and wants to protect, so with it in control we'd never be open enough to experience that level of love.
It takes a strong person who can break free of their representative and be who they are to their core. That's where that type of love dwells. In the soul.
I've learned fearlessness and vulnerability are at the core. Past the ego; the ego is fragile and wants to protect, so with it in control we'd never be open enough to experience that level of love.
The Essence of What I Desire (Untitled, found & posted by a friend on Facebook)
If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.
If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.
If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.
If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.
If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.
What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?
If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.
If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.
If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.
If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.
If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.
What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?
If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.
"D*ck In a Box"
Over the years I've had conversations with friends regarding a certain relationship, I'd say to them "I don't understand the purpose of this" and they had various perspectives based on their view from the outside looking in. We'd usually agree to disagree and change topics.
Recently this person posed a demand (I almost said question, but it was stated in a way which offered no choice, or so he thought). According to him we were going to stop the games and my bullshit about getting good energy and we were going to be together. Wait, let me not paraphrase here because I think his exact words serve to reach a better understanding of my perspective. So according to him, I need to cut my bullshit good girl thing I'm trying to do because its not working, I'm his "bitch" and my pussy is his and his dick is mine. -insert blank stare here- I actually believe he was offended when I didn't jump at the "offer".
Now I've known this person for quite some time and initially we started out good and even developed into a relationship. I stated my expectations at the time and he accepted them, no questions asked. Then it happens, three (yes, 3) days into our relationship I pose a question and his answer is no, of course I'm crushed. At that point in my life no one ever said no to me, it wasn't in my vocabulary. However I accepted his words although they were the complete opposite of the expectations he'd agreed to. A few days later in general conversation I learn while telling me no he'd gone much further than my request to do something similar with "the boys". To me that was a bright red flag and I ended the situation. I figured, no point in prolonging this because if this is how it is 3 days in this shit ain't getting better.
You know the saying "hindsight is 20/20?", well in this moment I realize in ending that relationship I should've severed all ties and just made a clean break. Of course that's not what happened, we decided to remain friends. It's awkward at first then somehow the friendship finds a flow, a superficial one but its a flow nonetheless. After months of this friendship we actually have sex for the first time. It was amazing! I think we both became addicted to it so at this point I concluded that he is not relationship material, but he can go into the "sex buddy" box and we'd both be happy.
Now over the years he's trying to get out of the box and my intuition is saying "girl, no!" yet I try and to no surprise it doesn't get far, he doesn't keep plans, he doesn't keep his word, he doesn't say sweet things a girl wants to hear. So in the box you stay! I can't say why he choose to treat me this way or even why I allowed it. The confusion came when he'd request from me more than our arrangement called for. How can you request something you aren't willing to give? How can you be upset or hurt when the person you're requesting from doesn't respond the way you'd like when you've given them no reason to care for you in any significant way?
I remember speaking with a friend trying to gain clarity and she'd say "what's so bad about taking him out of the box?" and my response was usually the same. He's inconsistent and he doesn't offer me anything more than his dick. He doesn't challenge my mind or cause me to think. He doesn't speak to my heart. Over the years even the sex I'd loved so much lost its touch. I'm not sure if it truly wasn't the same or if my desire for a deeper connection made my response to the exchange weaken.
So here we are not even a few hours after the anxiety attack and this person I've been communicating with about changing our interaction pops in my texts. I will admit I was happy as hell. Here I am all about #TeamAbstinence and underneath it all, without my knowledge or consent I'm stressed as all hell. I need a release! So what if he and I could get on the same energy, build our connection and get back to that great sex we once had? Sounds like a win/win to me! I'm thinking "finally we're on the same page", that is until his declaration of me being his "bitch". See that doesn't fit the space I'm in, to be honest I can say it never has, at least not seriously. To say you don't care about obtaining good energy, but my "pussy" belongs to you (slow blinks) no sir, absolutely NOT!
Although I put him in a box I remained very much of myself. I talked to him about books, hopes, dreams and at times future things. Not because I wanted that with him, but because I was still curious to know how his mind worked and what went through it. That's the psychologist in me perhaps. However he didn't offer the same to/for me. As I type this I am realizing that all he thinks I have to offer is sex, not because that's all I've shown him, but because that's all he chooses to see.
In the course of this text I made it clear that I was not interested in meaningless sex and if the energy isn't right it wouldn't happen. Initially there was resistance then something changed, he was open to what I was offering and we planned a date. The day came and went without as much of a cancellation. Prior to this I asked, "are you really ready for this?" And his reply was a simple "yes". I will admit I didn't believe it, but I wasn't sure if that was my trust issues raising it's ugly head or my intuition preparing me for the inevitable.
The worst part of it all is I don't expect much from him. I see his potential and don't get me wrong, he is a great man with a lot of amazing qualities. He's just not the man for me, at least not without improving the areas that aren't working in our favor. The part that upsets me is not that he stood me up, but that he spoke words that he either had no intention of backing up or he wasn't as ready as he thought he was. What upsets me is that he continuously volunteers things that I know he's either unwilling or incapable of (I can't determine which is true). What upsets me is the shit ain't even necessary because I don't even expect it from him. All he had to do was have some conversation and if the energy was right we could get back into that great fucking we always had. But if that's too much then how could you feel you deserve to enter my body? If you aren't ready or willing to enter my mind? And the crazy thing is, I didn't even put my heart into the equation.
He'd often wonder why I'd push him away or delete his information. He'd tell me for years that I was perfect for him and I never understood that. Even though I was able to share some thoughts I still held back so much of myself. Even though our sex life was great, I had to be honest with myself and admit I was holding back in that area too. That was the true reason I no longer enjoyed our connection. I wasn't free to be myself and let go because it wasn't safe or valued in this situation. Our lust for one another wasn't enough anymore. I see now that may be why it isn't working now. In my selfish way I was trying to create some type of hybrid "sex buddy" and I wanted to believe the empty promises in order to get what I wanted. Well, what I thought I wanted...... A stress reliever!
I can honestly say that I don't feel bad about that because all he wants from me is sex or at least that's what his actions have shown. Trouble is, I'm worth more than that and had I gotten what I wanted I would be cheating myself. He may say that I'm perfect for him, but I'm not sure if he truly believes that. The sad part about it is, on some level I do. I believe the person I see glimpses of, the core person he tries so hard to hide. I think I'm perfect for him, it's just the representative and I that don't get along.
As I sit here I realize, I'm done trying. If a person isn't willing to be vulnerable and take a chance for something they claim is perfect for them they should simply accept the compartment they've created for themselves in my life. I don't know what more can be done or said.
Recently this person posed a demand (I almost said question, but it was stated in a way which offered no choice, or so he thought). According to him we were going to stop the games and my bullshit about getting good energy and we were going to be together. Wait, let me not paraphrase here because I think his exact words serve to reach a better understanding of my perspective. So according to him, I need to cut my bullshit good girl thing I'm trying to do because its not working, I'm his "bitch" and my pussy is his and his dick is mine. -insert blank stare here- I actually believe he was offended when I didn't jump at the "offer".
Now I've known this person for quite some time and initially we started out good and even developed into a relationship. I stated my expectations at the time and he accepted them, no questions asked. Then it happens, three (yes, 3) days into our relationship I pose a question and his answer is no, of course I'm crushed. At that point in my life no one ever said no to me, it wasn't in my vocabulary. However I accepted his words although they were the complete opposite of the expectations he'd agreed to. A few days later in general conversation I learn while telling me no he'd gone much further than my request to do something similar with "the boys". To me that was a bright red flag and I ended the situation. I figured, no point in prolonging this because if this is how it is 3 days in this shit ain't getting better.
You know the saying "hindsight is 20/20?", well in this moment I realize in ending that relationship I should've severed all ties and just made a clean break. Of course that's not what happened, we decided to remain friends. It's awkward at first then somehow the friendship finds a flow, a superficial one but its a flow nonetheless. After months of this friendship we actually have sex for the first time. It was amazing! I think we both became addicted to it so at this point I concluded that he is not relationship material, but he can go into the "sex buddy" box and we'd both be happy.
Now over the years he's trying to get out of the box and my intuition is saying "girl, no!" yet I try and to no surprise it doesn't get far, he doesn't keep plans, he doesn't keep his word, he doesn't say sweet things a girl wants to hear. So in the box you stay! I can't say why he choose to treat me this way or even why I allowed it. The confusion came when he'd request from me more than our arrangement called for. How can you request something you aren't willing to give? How can you be upset or hurt when the person you're requesting from doesn't respond the way you'd like when you've given them no reason to care for you in any significant way?
I remember speaking with a friend trying to gain clarity and she'd say "what's so bad about taking him out of the box?" and my response was usually the same. He's inconsistent and he doesn't offer me anything more than his dick. He doesn't challenge my mind or cause me to think. He doesn't speak to my heart. Over the years even the sex I'd loved so much lost its touch. I'm not sure if it truly wasn't the same or if my desire for a deeper connection made my response to the exchange weaken.
So here we are not even a few hours after the anxiety attack and this person I've been communicating with about changing our interaction pops in my texts. I will admit I was happy as hell. Here I am all about #TeamAbstinence and underneath it all, without my knowledge or consent I'm stressed as all hell. I need a release! So what if he and I could get on the same energy, build our connection and get back to that great sex we once had? Sounds like a win/win to me! I'm thinking "finally we're on the same page", that is until his declaration of me being his "bitch". See that doesn't fit the space I'm in, to be honest I can say it never has, at least not seriously. To say you don't care about obtaining good energy, but my "pussy" belongs to you (slow blinks) no sir, absolutely NOT!
Although I put him in a box I remained very much of myself. I talked to him about books, hopes, dreams and at times future things. Not because I wanted that with him, but because I was still curious to know how his mind worked and what went through it. That's the psychologist in me perhaps. However he didn't offer the same to/for me. As I type this I am realizing that all he thinks I have to offer is sex, not because that's all I've shown him, but because that's all he chooses to see.
In the course of this text I made it clear that I was not interested in meaningless sex and if the energy isn't right it wouldn't happen. Initially there was resistance then something changed, he was open to what I was offering and we planned a date. The day came and went without as much of a cancellation. Prior to this I asked, "are you really ready for this?" And his reply was a simple "yes". I will admit I didn't believe it, but I wasn't sure if that was my trust issues raising it's ugly head or my intuition preparing me for the inevitable.
The worst part of it all is I don't expect much from him. I see his potential and don't get me wrong, he is a great man with a lot of amazing qualities. He's just not the man for me, at least not without improving the areas that aren't working in our favor. The part that upsets me is not that he stood me up, but that he spoke words that he either had no intention of backing up or he wasn't as ready as he thought he was. What upsets me is that he continuously volunteers things that I know he's either unwilling or incapable of (I can't determine which is true). What upsets me is the shit ain't even necessary because I don't even expect it from him. All he had to do was have some conversation and if the energy was right we could get back into that great fucking we always had. But if that's too much then how could you feel you deserve to enter my body? If you aren't ready or willing to enter my mind? And the crazy thing is, I didn't even put my heart into the equation.
He'd often wonder why I'd push him away or delete his information. He'd tell me for years that I was perfect for him and I never understood that. Even though I was able to share some thoughts I still held back so much of myself. Even though our sex life was great, I had to be honest with myself and admit I was holding back in that area too. That was the true reason I no longer enjoyed our connection. I wasn't free to be myself and let go because it wasn't safe or valued in this situation. Our lust for one another wasn't enough anymore. I see now that may be why it isn't working now. In my selfish way I was trying to create some type of hybrid "sex buddy" and I wanted to believe the empty promises in order to get what I wanted. Well, what I thought I wanted...... A stress reliever!
I can honestly say that I don't feel bad about that because all he wants from me is sex or at least that's what his actions have shown. Trouble is, I'm worth more than that and had I gotten what I wanted I would be cheating myself. He may say that I'm perfect for him, but I'm not sure if he truly believes that. The sad part about it is, on some level I do. I believe the person I see glimpses of, the core person he tries so hard to hide. I think I'm perfect for him, it's just the representative and I that don't get along.
As I sit here I realize, I'm done trying. If a person isn't willing to be vulnerable and take a chance for something they claim is perfect for them they should simply accept the compartment they've created for themselves in my life. I don't know what more can be done or said.
Life Support
You ever read something, turn on the TV or listen to music and it feels as if the message was JUST for you? Do you think that was a coincidence? Last week after the anxiety attack, I felt a little broken, I was completely off balance and my prayer and meditation wasn’t quite the same. My ever present insomnia was at its worst and I felt completely restless; usually when this happens I quiet my mind and whatever thoughts come up I attempt to tackle them. To my surprise, I had no thoughts; I was completely blank and unsure what I was supposed to do. So I watched some TV, who do I "happen" to find? Iyanla Vanzant, Oprah, Deepak Chopra and a few others whose names aren't coming to mind. The next morning I listened to music and Yolanda Adams, Richard Smallwood, Florence + the Machine, Jay Z, M83, Erykah Badu and a few others provided comfort and at times confidence to handle the day ahead of me. While commuting to work I would read a blog I follow called, www.thedailylove.com. Every message I received seemed to be RIGHT on time and just for me. Look at these blog titles from the past few days:
Tuesday, September 18, 2012 “And the FIRST step towards REAL transformation is...”
Wednesday, September 19, 2012 “Here's how to take your power back!”
Thursday, September 20, 2012 “Here's why you should start before you are ready!”
Then my friends were around to send love, give hugs, offer solutions, extend help and made me aware that they had my back and want to see me win. It's important to cherish the people in your life and to admire the gifts they possess. Sometimes it's not always clear why someone is around until the moment they are no longer there or better yet, the moment you need them the most. The thought that comes to mind is "no man is an island"
Take a moment and reach out to a loved one today, it may mean the world to them.
Perspective
Last week I found myself in a rather uncomfortable space, although I may have been unaware mentally my body was dealing with quite a bit of stress. I would not allow "the angry birds" of life to get me down, or so I thought. So I continued each day as normal until I found myself in the doctors office being diagnosed with "anxiety disorder" after an anxiety attack. Since then I've developed hives which were progressively worsening. Now my head is involved, I'm a visual person so the sight of anything abnormal grosses me out! The fact that I'm disgusted to see the once smooth areas of my skin covered in tiny bumps makes my skin crawl. It was in that moment I knew something had to change.
I've recognized how I allowed this to happen. It goes back to years of being passive in one particular area in my life and it wasn't until I realized and was honest with myself about it that I was able to consider an alternate perspective. I've allowed myself to be abused, mentally for the past few years. To be in a situation where people are constantly trying to break you down or attempt to "make" you feel as if you are unworthy or incompetent although it may be their abilities in need of improvement. To enter a space daily where nothing you do is good enough yet guidance or instruction is never provided is abusive. At this point I've taken some steps to improve the situation, yet I understand it may get worse before the desired outcome is reached. However I must change my perspective. Not everyone wants harmony or happiness, some people are absolutely fine in chaos. Some actually thrive in that space.
I am unsure of the outcome and I can't even ask for this "cup to pass", I don't ask why I have to deal with this. I believe on some level it's not solely about me, I feel as if I am in this situation to be the voice for others in a similar position. As I make a better effort to be happy in this whatever you want to call it, I am looking at my ideal situation so I can take steps in that direction.
The thought that keeps me grounded is the belief that truth will always prevail. Some would probably even mention karma here, I just believe that in the end, "good" always wins. At least that's my perspective.
I've recognized how I allowed this to happen. It goes back to years of being passive in one particular area in my life and it wasn't until I realized and was honest with myself about it that I was able to consider an alternate perspective. I've allowed myself to be abused, mentally for the past few years. To be in a situation where people are constantly trying to break you down or attempt to "make" you feel as if you are unworthy or incompetent although it may be their abilities in need of improvement. To enter a space daily where nothing you do is good enough yet guidance or instruction is never provided is abusive. At this point I've taken some steps to improve the situation, yet I understand it may get worse before the desired outcome is reached. However I must change my perspective. Not everyone wants harmony or happiness, some people are absolutely fine in chaos. Some actually thrive in that space.
I am unsure of the outcome and I can't even ask for this "cup to pass", I don't ask why I have to deal with this. I believe on some level it's not solely about me, I feel as if I am in this situation to be the voice for others in a similar position. As I make a better effort to be happy in this whatever you want to call it, I am looking at my ideal situation so I can take steps in that direction.
The thought that keeps me grounded is the belief that truth will always prevail. Some would probably even mention karma here, I just believe that in the end, "good" always wins. At least that's my perspective.
"The Angry Birds"
When i mention "the angry birds" these are people (friends, family, co-workers, etc) who are unhappy with their lives and will say or do anything to create drama or confusion in your happy situation.
They choose to despise you because you have things, qualities, skills, whatever that they are envious or jealous of.
Also see the often misused term, "haters"
They choose to despise you because you have things, qualities, skills, whatever that they are envious or jealous of.
Also see the often misused term, "haters"
What Are Your Words Saying?
I believe somethings come to you at a time when you need them the most. I recall being in a very dark space and I did not like myself very much, it was too the point where I could not look myself in the mirror. I was unhappy, overweight, angry, just to give you an idea, however if you've read a few of my other posts I've gone into detail about where I was. I've also mentioned the things that propelled me on this journey that I've come to adore. As I wrote about "Expectation(s)", I began to realize how I've come to adapt a new approach to them. It all started with "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Riuz, I realize how keeping these agreements improved my outlook as well as my relationships with myself and others.
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
I understand how one agreement in particular weighs so heavily with me. Be Impeccable with your Word, I guess it also ties together with "Fairytales, Lies & Propaganda", the quickest way to my bad side is to feed me empty promises or to prove yourself to be unreliable. I have very little patience for liars or for people who say things with no intention of putting their words into actions. I understand exactly where this comes from and it's a space that makes me extremely sad, or at least it used to (thanks to the 2nd agreement "Don’t Take Anything Personally") . It reminds me of a time when I was powerless to the words spoken to me and I hung on to them for my very being. I wanted to be loved and a part of something, I wanted to belong and be cared for. I was a child and I believed that the adults in my life had my best interest at heart. I believed that one person in particular truly accepted me as "the daughter" she never had, however time and time again her promises held no weight. The plans, trips, gifts, wisdom she volunteered to share always had to wait for another day. Then I finally realized that day would never come, there was always an excuse, but it her mind they were "reasons".
Recently I've dealt with a situation that was somewhat unexpected, I knew it was an issue however I thought I had more time before I had to tackle it. In that instance I needed help, which is not something I eagerly announce. I rarely rely on other people, I'll go without before I ask for help. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or something else, I guess time will reveal. Anyway, after many conversations with this person it seemed we'd reached a new level of respect and understanding however as I was faced with this dilemma I acknowledged the fact that I needed help. Rather than asking for the help right away I thought it would be a good exercise to share what I was going through since that seemed to be one of her issues with me. I don't express anything so it's not always easy to read me, or so I've been told. So in my expression, she volunteers to help, as usual. I don't know if it was my desire to believe everyone can change, especially since I'd gone through a total transformation or if it was my childlike desire to believe in this person. Nonetheless, I was fed a dream which created expectations and later led to disappointment and hurt.
I find myself in a rather uncomfortable position, because I don't really regret this ordeal however I do not like the way it made me feel. To believe the words someone says yet they aren't being impeccable with their intentions or abilities. I'm not sure which is true, however I understand that even with all of my awareness and change, I will not tolerate a person in my space willingly and/or purposely speaking words that they do not intend to back up. I don't really care how big or small the words are, I may not act as I once did where I delete people from my life however when I keep my distance don't pretend to be shocked about the reason why.
As I typed those words the scripture comes to mind:
Matthew 5:37 New King James Version (NKJV)
But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
It's so much easier to just do what you say and only say what you're willing to do. Anything more than that is unnecessary and makes me question your intention(s).
It's so much easier to just do what you say and only say what you're willing to do. Anything more than that is unnecessary and makes me question your intention(s).
Fairytales, Lies & Propaganda...
I will admit, I still believe in fairytales. My father instilled in me that I was a princess, his angel and I should make sure that any man trying to capture my heart treated me as such. He also taught me to be independent, so that no matter what I could take care of myself and I wouldn't rely on someone, especially a man to have me in a position where I am dependent on them for my basic needs. As I type this I am reminded of Joseline and Stevie J from Love & Hip Hop- Atlanta, in their dysfunctional love affair Stevie would often threaten Joseline with "sending" her back to the strip club where he'd found her. And just as psychological abuse does, she got in line and began to "act right" out of fear that this man could and possibly would turn her chariot back into a pumpkin and send her to the despair she came from.
I guess when I think of a fairytale, I'm not looking for a Prince to come and "rescue" me from anything. There are no dragon's in my life, and the ones that were there I've killed them on my own. There is no evil stepmother or wicked step sisters, well actually there are lol (I refer to them as the "angry birds"), but the fact of the matter is; I have that in check too. Basically, I have my life in order. Is it perfect? Absolutely not! Do I have everything figured out? Hell no! When I say I have my life in order, I simply mean that I am happy, I am discovering the areas I need improvement (daily) and I appreciate the areas where I have improved. In the fairytale I speak of, its not necessarily a land "far far away" however I do believe in living "happily ever after" and whatever we decide that looks like. Not every one's story will be the same, however it has to make sense to those involved.
In my recent dating experience I've encountered a few "frogs" trying to disguise themselves as my "Prince Charming" or "Knight in Shining Armor". One gentleman decided to share with me on our first date that he wanted to marry me or should I say saw me as his wife, how quickly he was falling in love with me and his desire to "take care of me". Of course to some this sounds like the man of their dreams, however I got red flags and couldn't quite tell if these were lies or propaganda. See, a lie is deliberate. It's purpose is to deceive you and put the other persons interest in the forefront. Whereas propaganda is more like "selling you a dream", the intentions may even be pure however they either have no plan to back up the words or they mean the words, believe them to be true yet wont take the necessary actions to make the "dream come true". Either way, I'm not here for it!
I had to really think about things, and as a 32 year old woman I can honestly say that I enjoy being single. I am not rushing myself to walk down anyone's aisle, funny that most men don't believe me when they hear my words. I understand there is a huge commitment involved in the type of love that I desire, that level of understanding can not be rushed or forced. It's one of those things that you just know when you're in it. I believe that it's human nature to desire companionship, however I am very selective on who I allow in certain areas of my life. I guess in discovering myself, I've also discovered the type of man I need in my life. I've taken away (many) of the physical requirements, you know the ones; he has to be this tall, he has to be this complexion, he has to have this and drive that, blah blah blah. After I publish this post I am going to make a list of what my Prince Charming looks like and I've already thought of the first two things (I may post it once its complete).
1. He must love GOD- he has to have an awareness of a higher power and be connected
2. He must operate from his core- we all have ego, pride, insecurities, etc however we all have our core self which is the sum of our experiences, it is our spirit where our hopes, dreams, wishes and emotions dwell.
It's safe to say that I do desire love- to be loved and to express it. I understand that I have to rethink some of my expectations and I know everyone selling dreams aren't what they seem to be. Somewhere along the way I've discarded my rose colored glasses, yet I have a feeling the fairytale isn't something I should give up on.
Expectation(s)
"whenever we manage to love without expectations, calculations, negotiations, we are indeed in heaven" ~ Rumi
I've been known to be a person with high expectations, for myself and of those who I allow in my circle. I've found the higher the expectation you have for someone the greater the risk of being disappointed. There came a time when I had to re-evaluate these "standards" I somehow developed; I figured things had to look and be a certain way or something was wrong. As I sit here I remember being a kid and even into adulthood, somehow nothing I did was good enough, so I almost drove myself crazy trying to be perfect. I had to have the nicest things, my hair had to be a certain way, I had to get the best grades, etc. not saying that any of those things were bad; of course we all strive for excellence (or at least we should). The problem I guess is the space I was pulling from, it wasn't that I was doing any of that solely for myself, I was seeking approval and validation and when I didn't get it the way I expected it to come I pushed people away.
I read a quote some time ago stating that "expectation is the root of all disappointment" or something to that effect. I sat and really gave it some thought and realized how true it was. Now I am not saying don't have any expectations, however what I have learned is to expect a person to be who they are. I realized my expectations were based on my perception as well as the standards I have for myself. I don't think its actually fair to expect someone to say/do things the way you deem "good" in order remain in your good graces. I'm sure the things I say and do often "disappoint" people around me, mainly because my objective is to be true to myself and what I believe my spirit is guiding me to do. I often ruffle feathers, I try not to hurt feelings yet I don't sugar coat what needs to be said, especially when asked or provoked. I don't appreciate when others attempt to mold me into their ideal version of who they believe I should be, so why would I do that to another?
A recent conversation followed by a series of actions, or should I say inaction has really made me aware of some things within myself (I think a couple of entries will come from this, or else this one will be a mile long smh). I find myself feeling the way I did when I first met this person, I am excited about the possibilities however I am taking a close look at my expectations in this situation. You see years ago I was very clear with my expectations however I was not always understanding or considerate when someone didn't meet them. I believe I've adjusted my views yet I hate feeling as if I am going backwards. I want to believe things will be different, but on the surface they appear as they always have. Now I'm faced with putting all of my new found awareness into use and I will admit its a little scary. It would be so easy to turn and walk away or shut down, the irony is, I expect more from myself so I can't. Or should I say, I wont!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)