"D*ck In a Box"

Over the years I've had conversations with friends regarding a certain relationship, I'd say to them "I don't understand the purpose of this" and they had various perspectives based on their view from the outside looking in. We'd usually agree to disagree and change topics.

Recently this person posed a demand (I almost said question, but it was stated in a way which offered no choice, or so he thought). According to him we were going to stop the games and my bullshit about getting good energy and we were going to be together. Wait, let me not paraphrase here because I think his exact words serve to reach a better understanding of my perspective. So according to him, I need to cut my bullshit good girl thing I'm trying to do because its not working, I'm his "bitch" and my pussy is his and his dick is mine. -insert blank stare here- I actually believe he was offended when I didn't jump at the "offer".

Now I've known this person for quite some time and initially we started out good and even developed into a relationship. I stated my expectations at the time and he accepted them, no questions asked. Then it happens, three (yes, 3) days into our relationship I pose a question and his answer is no, of course I'm crushed. At that point in my life no one ever said no to me, it wasn't in my vocabulary. However I accepted his words although they were the complete opposite of the expectations he'd agreed to. A few days later in general conversation I learn while telling me no he'd gone much further than my request to do something similar with "the boys". To me that was a bright red flag and I ended the situation. I figured, no point in prolonging this because if this is how it is 3 days in this shit ain't getting better.

You know the saying "hindsight is 20/20?", well in this moment I realize in ending that relationship I should've severed all ties and just made a clean break. Of course that's not what happened, we decided to remain friends. It's awkward at first then somehow the friendship finds a flow, a superficial one but its a flow nonetheless. After months of this friendship we actually have sex for the first time. It was amazing! I think we both became addicted to it so at this point I concluded that he is not relationship material, but he can go into the "sex buddy" box and we'd both be happy.

Now over the years he's trying to get out of the box and my intuition is saying "girl, no!" yet I try and to no surprise it doesn't get far, he doesn't keep plans, he doesn't keep his word, he doesn't say sweet things a girl wants to hear. So in the box you stay! I can't say why he choose to treat me this way or even why I allowed it. The confusion came when he'd request from me more than our arrangement called for. How can you request something you aren't willing to give? How can you be upset or hurt when the person you're requesting from doesn't respond the way you'd like when you've given them no reason to care for you in any significant way?

I remember speaking with a friend trying to gain clarity and she'd say "what's so bad about taking him out of the box?" and my response was usually the same. He's inconsistent and he doesn't offer me anything more than his dick. He doesn't challenge my mind or cause me to think. He doesn't speak to my heart. Over the years even the sex I'd loved so much lost its touch. I'm not sure if it truly wasn't the same or if my desire for a deeper connection made my response to the exchange weaken.

So here we are not even a few hours after the anxiety attack and this person I've been communicating with about changing our interaction pops in my texts. I will admit I was happy as hell. Here I am all about #TeamAbstinence and underneath it all, without my knowledge or consent I'm stressed as all hell. I need a release! So what if he and I could get on the same energy, build our connection and get back to that great sex we once had? Sounds like a win/win to me! I'm thinking "finally we're on the same page", that is until his declaration of me being his "bitch". See that doesn't fit the space I'm in, to be honest I can say it never has, at least not seriously. To say you don't care about obtaining good energy, but my "pussy" belongs to you (slow blinks) no sir, absolutely NOT!

Although I put him in a box I remained very much of myself. I talked to him about books, hopes, dreams and at times future things. Not because I wanted that with him, but because I was still curious to know how his mind worked and what went through it. That's the psychologist in me perhaps. However he didn't offer the same to/for me. As I type this I am realizing that all he thinks I have to offer is sex, not because that's all I've shown him, but because that's all he chooses to see.

In the course of this text I made it clear that I was not interested in meaningless sex and if the energy isn't right it wouldn't happen. Initially there was resistance then something changed, he was open to what I was offering and we planned a date. The day came and went without as much of a cancellation. Prior to this I asked, "are you really ready for this?" And his reply was a simple "yes". I will admit I didn't believe it, but I wasn't sure if that was my trust issues raising it's ugly head or my intuition preparing me for the inevitable.

The worst part of it all is I don't expect much from him. I see his potential and don't get me wrong, he is a great man with a lot of amazing qualities. He's just not the man for me, at least not without improving the areas that aren't working in our favor. The part that upsets me is not that he stood me up, but that he spoke words that he either had no intention of backing up or he wasn't as ready as he thought he was. What upsets me is that he continuously volunteers things that I know he's either unwilling or incapable of (I can't determine which is true). What upsets me is the shit ain't even necessary because I don't even expect it from him. All he had to do was have some conversation and if the energy was right we could get back into that great fucking we always had. But if that's too much then how could you feel you deserve to enter my body? If you aren't ready or willing to enter my mind? And the crazy thing is, I didn't even put my heart into the equation.

He'd often wonder why I'd push him away or delete his information. He'd tell me for years that I was perfect for him and I never understood that. Even though I was able to share some thoughts I still held back so much of myself. Even though our sex life was great, I had to be honest with myself and admit I was holding back in that area too. That was the true reason I no longer enjoyed our connection. I wasn't free to be myself and let go because it wasn't safe or valued in this situation. Our lust for one another wasn't enough anymore. I see now that may be why it isn't working now. In my selfish way I was trying to create some type of hybrid "sex buddy" and I wanted to believe the empty promises in order to get what I wanted. Well, what I thought I wanted...... A stress reliever!

I can honestly say that I don't feel bad about that because all he wants from me is sex or at least that's what his actions have shown. Trouble is, I'm worth more than that and had I gotten what I wanted I would be cheating myself. He may say that I'm perfect for him, but I'm not sure if he truly believes that. The sad part about it is, on some level I do. I believe the person I see glimpses of, the core person he tries so hard to hide. I think I'm perfect for him, it's just the representative and I that don't get along.

As I sit here I realize, I'm done trying. If a person isn't willing to be vulnerable and take a chance for something they claim is perfect for them they should simply accept the compartment they've created for themselves in my life. I don't know what more can be done or said.