Who Takes Care of the "Independent Woman"?

I'm finding it quite helpful to write about this anxiety situation. Although I've made the decision not to discuss the details surrounding the diagnosis, it has been good to express my thoughts and experiences. Yesterday was quite emotional, I've never been a cryer. I used to take pride in that, it was like a badge of (self) control, it was my way of showing that although I am a woman I am far from weak. However as I broke down sobbing several times for reasons I am not fully aware of I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Today as I attempted to open my eyes the migraine I felt pounding in my head made it clear that today would be just as difficult as the one before.

So what do I do? I slept, for most of the day. Finally at about noon I realize I'm hungry, yet still unable to get out of bed I scroll through my twitter timeline and discover a link to @FeministaJones' YouTube™ video "Fear of the Independent Woman", this is a topic all too familiar. A lot if people tend to assume that a woman who takes care of herself doesn't need anyone, more specifically, a man for anything. As I find myself physically, mentally and emotionally "under the weather" I couldn't disagree more. I'm home alone with an empty refrigerator so I have no choice but to go somewhere if I'm going to eat. I get myself together and think, just go to the corner store and get a cup 'o noodle and something to drink, that'll hold you til dinner. As I proceed to walk to the store I stop in my tracks as I consider the death I am about to digest. I have another thought, go to Village Pizzeria (@villagepizzala) and get veggie pizza, you'll exercise and get a good meal so you may feel better. Bet!

So I get my Pandora app going and I'm grooving to a variety of music as the warm sun kisses my body and I'm off on my adventure. I feel better, still not my best, but its an improvement. As I approach the first intersection I decide to take the opposite route taken with my son this past weekend. I think "park first, then pizza", at this point it's almost 2pm so I need to get there quickly to enjoy the swings without the guilt of waiting kids. I pass an ice cream truck and decide I deserve a treat, blue bunny has a way of making things better. I arrive at the park after just finishing my double strawberry ice cream sandwich and of course the swings are vacant as if they were waiting for me. I take off, wind in my hair, smile on my face, not a care in the world. Now back to my original mission: food! As I sit on the bench to dump the sand from my shoes I notice the couple seated on the bench next to me get up. And before I know it they're giggling and headed to the swings I'd just left. In that moment my heart smiled, they didn't say a word to me and I don't even think they made eye connect, but on some level I know I was their inspiration and that was enough.

I have a great walk, I feel refreshed even with the headache still lingering. I enjoy my pizza, I even had them add spinach and garlic since the thought came to me. Had to remind myself to trust my thoughts towards my best interest. It was delicious! Now I'm home, I meditate and listen to another YouTube™ video of Dr. Jackie McCullough followed by a nap. Upon waking I realize this headache has been with me all day, so I plan to visit the doctor bright and early in the morning.

It's funny, when I started this post I kind of thought it was going in a different direction, now I am reminded of several conversations I've had over the years with a certain person. He always thinks I have my shit together, I recall sharing my fears, doubts, challenges with him on a couple occasions and his response was always "you'll figure it out, you always do". I also recall damn near begging him to spend time with me and the fact that at one point I just wanted to be in his arms and for him to tell me that everything would be okay. I recall admitting to him that I needed him and he laughed and said something about he didn't believe it and asked why would I need him. As I typed that I'm reminded of a more recent exchange with a man I was dating and how he'd volunteered to "take care" of me, he wanted to provide me with my own apartment (I guess the fact I had a roommate was an issue for him), he wanted to give me credit cards and various other things yet I could see the invisible strings attached. I knew his feelings (which intuition told me weren't as genuine as he'd hoped I believed) were much more intense than mine and his eagerness to "rescue" me was more of a turn off than what he was expecting.

I also recall my last relationship, we had our ups and downs, but he valued my independence yet was always there to be my "knight in shining armor". Like, after my accident when I was afraid to drive again and he offered reassurance then purchased a car for me. He knew with that gesture I'd find the courage to get behind the wheel again. Or when my body went through various changes and I didn't know what was happening so he accompanied me to the doctor for tests. And said that we'd get to the bottom of things and he knew I'd be fine.

I guess my point is, I (can't speak for the next woman), but I/she/me/her did not proclaim to be an "independent woman". I am a woman who finds herself doing things independently. I find that most of the men I come across have the mentality that I don't need them, I've heard the stories of men being browbeaten for opening doors and pulling out chairs and such. I get it, with (some of) these modern women it may be hard to tell what's expected of a man in today's society. However, consider that some women, such as myself are independent because if she didn't do it for herself it wouldn't get done.

I admit I miss being in a relationship, I miss taking care of someone. I recall my ex saying that no one had taken care of him the way I did. I took pride in buying cuff links, hiding encouraging cards around his home and office, cooking and making sure he was happy. I loved our talks about business and ways he could maximize his potential. I also loved how he saw and met my needs. We took care of one another. Most of the time I won't allow myself to dwell in that space because I find it very dangerous. I don't want to get caught up in nostalgia and forget why he is my ex. Granted we've been able to re-establish a friendship, however i understand that it absolutely shouldn't go any further than that. However on days like today, with three very different examples. It's apparent who takes care of this independent woman, and unfortunately it's me.

I long for the day I can cast my cares on someone in addition to Jesus. When I can put my head on a mans shoulder or chest and he can embrace me and provide reassurance. When he can offer advice or a listening ear. He'll even throw down that leg shaking, room spinning, out of body, love making that does wonders for a rough day. I'm reminded of Jill Scott's words on the song "The Fact Is (I Need You)" as she explains how although I can pay my own bills, take myself shopping, even kill a bug or two (I haven't mastered that one and I honestly don't want to, especially if there's a man nearby). We still need men, to be men. To provide the yin to our yang. To pull out of us the things buried within that only a man can. I find myself surrounded by men, my father, my son, even my best friend. When I'm with them I don't have to open doors or lift much of anything not because I can't or I refuse to, but because they understand the role they have as the men in my life. We value one another and the energy that we both bring.

I equate it to the harmony between the Sun (masculine) and the Moon (feminine), they co-exist respectfully. One doesn't diminish the other yet they have very specific duties and they honor them. Even during the day, you can still see the moon, but nothing's out of balance. It just works, I guess the fear of the independent woman is more like a bad bedtime story, misunderstood and taken out of context. If only men and women could draw from the example of the Sun and the Moon, then we could take care of one another. Until then, it's up to me.