I find myself in a very familiar space, let's see if I can paint the picture and hopefully as I type I am able to gain clarity.
It was Summer 2005 and life was GOOD, I'm talking the dream life for a single 25 year old woman in Los Angeles. My son was at a great age and full of discovery, I had a great job, car, awesome friends, designer clothes, shoes and bags! I was dating a few guys, but nothing serious. Then it hit me "I want a relationship", so I began qualifying the gentlemen already on the roster. Unfortunately, they either weren't ready or did not seem to have enough of the qualities I was looking for. One day while at work I took out a notepad and let my thoughts wander. Well, once I was finished I had a list of the qualities I wanted my next relationship to have.
Soon after I met someone, initially I didn't really want to be bothered. He was persistent and one evening during a battle with insomnia he popped up in my yim (yahoo instant messenger), talk about right time/ right place. We chatted for hours and I was intrigued! He wanted to go on a date rather soon, but I was hesitant until one Saturday afternoon after the bi-monthly hair and nail appointment I decided to spend time with one of the guys I was seeing and he completely annoyed the hell out of me. When I left I was reminded of the nice guy who caught my attention a few nights prior to this. So I call him up and asks him if he was available to meet for lunch. He says yes and we decide on a place and time. Our conversation flowed, the chemistry was off the charts and we got one another's jokes. I was smitten! From that afternoon I was suddenly unavailable and we spent a great majority of our free time together. We were happy and everyone could see it. As our relationship developed I ran across that list from a few months prior to realize he had every single quality I desired.
As he and I got serious I began to express to the guys I dated that I was no longer available however we could remain friends. Some took the offer while others didn't. Fast forward to November 2005, I'm in an awful car accident and he's right by my side. I am falling in love and he seems to be right there with me.
As I'm recovering from my accident I realize, my "special friend" hadn't come to visit in awhile. I begin to get concerned, but I'm reminded "traumatic/ stressful situations can cause irregularity with a woman's cycle" however as time goes on I realize it's time to consult my doctor, time passes, tests are taken yet the results are negative. We continue in our bliss and I assure him that I'll follow up and let him know if anything changes. He's caring and understanding about the whole thing.
During this time some from my pasts decide to inquire about my relationship and are surprised to hear the happiness in my voice, they are in disbelief that I cook (often) and other "wifey" duties they assumed I was incapable of; now they begin to envy him. They figured it was something he did or had that "got" me to "act right" not realizing that was simply the space that I was in at the time and he came along saying and doing all of the right things.
Here we are in December 2005 and the test is finally positive. I tell him and he's actually happy, which completely caught me off guard. Much different from my first experience, but I won't go into that. Now I'm telling everyone, including these male friends of mine and to say they were pissed would be an understatement lmao.
Now fast forward to today, I desire to be loved, in love and to express my deepest love to someone in return. Im talking about a depth i've never gone to before. I am ready for the ultimate commitment! I am preparing myself inside and out. Now out of the male friends who were around to witness this experience in 2005, three remain. I will admit, I have different feelings and expectations for all three, I believe I could be happy (with much effort) if I were to go in any of their directions however, again they aren't ready or they are unwilling to be vulnerable or a host of other set backs. Unfortunately, I can't say how long they have because I honestly don't know. What I do believe however, is that something major is happening in my life and although I love them. I'm ready to pour my heart and soul into someone and that person has to do the same for me and to be honest I don't see him being anyone that I currently know.
I've been saying my piece and getting very little in return however when I have words I speak them. The fact that I barely get an articulate response, if I get one at all no longer hurts my feelings. It's kind of like how Doctors continue CPR on a patient long after they stop breathing, so when they go to the family they can honestly say "we did all we could do".... Welp!
