"Your task is not to seek love but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~Rumi
After the Master Cleanse was completed in June 2012, I realized how much I'd learned about myself. I was able to really see my gift(s), talents, strengths and weaknesses. I was able to repair relationships and improve in areas I had convinced myself were unimportant. I got insight to so many areas except for one; I was stuck on "love". I did not completely understand it and I was unsure if I really knew what it was or if I'd identify it when/ if it came to me. I began to pray and include thoughts of love in my meditation, well thoughts of romantic love. There is a difference you know. The love for a friend, child, stranger, pet is far different from that of a lover. I believed I was ready to be in love and to express that however it had been so long since I allowed myself to feel that; I was sure I'd fail.
I realized I'd built so many barriers to "protect" my heart, which in turn did something completely different. It shut out the possiblity of love, how could anyone have the tools to break through when they had no clue how secure it was? Imagine trying to love someone and they're showing you every step of the way that they dont want it. How about the disappearing game when things aren't quite going their way, I became the master of that one. I was so afraid of letting my guard down and getting hurt, again. I was reminded of my last love, we were happy and life was good, but somehow everytime it was moving along too perfectly he'd create drama. Eventually all the love I had for him disappeared, I was no longer willing to give and get nothing in return. The crazy thing is, I then expressed those same qualities in all of my relationships that came after. I was so emotionless (on the outside) that nothing and no one fazed me, someone even said that I was "too much like a man". Pretty harsh, right? Well, it was the truth, I created this image of a woman in control or at least what I thought that would look like.
That was until one day I really thought about my actions as well as my words and I discovered how they weren't serving me. They were actually keeping me from the very thing I wanted. So what does the Universe give me? Deepak Chopra's 21- Day Meditation Callenge! The theme of the challenge was "free to love", it covered family, friends, yourself and of course love relationships. At the end of the challenge I honestly felt free, I felt like all of my baggage had started to get unpacked. Of course I'm not saying that I am perfect or now without any flaws, we all know thats not true. However what I recognize is that I no longer have the same insecurities I once had when dealing with men. I now express myself from my core, unafraid of saying or doing the "wrong" things. I feel as if I am actually ready for love and not just the sound of it.
This is awfully unfamiliar to me; I know I've said before that I was ready, but this is something completely different. Perhaps because I've found myself. I know who I am and I have embraced that. I've heard so many times how you're not supposed to find your "better half", that love works better when you have two whole people joining together to form a union. I now understand that more than ever. I feel whole as if my baggage is put away and I am prepared for something more than I've ever experienced before.
