The World Outside My Window

At some point over the weekend I became consumed with a thought or perhaps it was a desire. I found myself in a realm of sadness because the reality of the situation is vastly different from my imagination. At one point I thought I needed to "make" it the way I wanted it to be, but how? From there I decided, "I need a drink!", now I've drank too much and I'm sick. Like, dizzy, vomiting, weak....dehydrated to the point I missed work for a couple of days. So what started out of a space of wanting to connect with someone (in particular) lead to loneliness, obsessiveness, sadness, sickness and selfishness. See, now that I'm sick and the world didn't stop to pamper me back to health, I'm upset. Hmmm or would "hurt" be a better word? Next thing you know I'm focused solely on myself and my troubles, I stopped caring or noticing my interaction with those around me. I've been so mindful to not allow myself to go to a space of worry wh...

For as much as I have grown in various areas of my life, I realize spaces where I still have a lot to learn. I think it becomes easy to correct things based on priority or necessary effort. For example, for me managing my finances has become less of a challenge when you compare it to managing my heart and/ or feelings. Honestly, if given the tasks of curing Cancer or tackling matters of my heart. I'd choose finding a cure! As a kid and later as an adult I somehow adapted the philosophy that being vulnerable was a characteristic for the weak. Emotions, love and intimacy were all unnecessary and my happiness did not depend on their existence. Didn't expect that from a girl, did you? As I type, i am reminded of my days as a young girl. For 13 years I was my father's only child not to mention I was surrounded by boys: three cousins and an uncle to be exact. They spoke openly in front of me so I heard all the games and opinions, i even saw how they treated women. I witnessed...

I’d only been to two funerals in my entire life; after I attended Terrance’s I vowed to myself that I would never attend another. It took forever to comprehend the fact that he was gone, I dialed his number a million times, well the first 6-digits until I realized I’d never hear his voice again, or see his face or the smile that I loved so much. I buried myself in motherhood, school and work. Nothing else mattered. Once I began to see this sadness linger I realized I needed to switch my focus. I turned to a group of "friends" I met online; we chatted throughout the day while we engaged in various tasks (work, school, etc.). After months of socializing online we decided to have a get together and meet everyone who wanted to attend. I was a bit apprehensive since I had only developed friendships with 3 out of about 20 of the chat room members. It was the perfect Saturday afternoon in July (I believe it was July, my memory escapes me on the details). There was food and music ...

Last night I had an issue with insomnia, I used to hate the fact that I couldn’t sleep; I felt like something was wrong with me and I needed to "fix" it. Trouble is, this body is extremely sensitive to OTC "drugs", you name it and it knocks me OUT. Over the years I’ve learned it’s easier to embrace my "condition" rather than try to fight or fix it; that had to be one of the smartest things I’ve ever done in my life. Now, it’s just a part of who I am, when I can’t sleep I’ll ask myself (the Universe), "what am I going to learn?" or "what am I supposed to be doing". Once that’s completed I can drift off to sleep and even if it’s merely an hour or two I feel rested. But, I digress. So I’ll start with yesterday, for some reason Terrance was on my mind heavy. I know he’s been mentioned, but I never go into detail about him or his place in my heart. I’ve buried that so deep within that I often forget the entire experience. Anyway, while ha...

About a week ago I had a dream, it was all too familiar yet completely different.  I dreamt that I was telling that same guy who occuplied so much of my heart for so many years that I was getting married. When I woke up, the feeling of truth overwhelmed me.  As if this dream was filled with so much possibility.  I quickly emailed him and formed my words from a space of love and to be informative.  I recalled having this feeling once before, which is why I knew I could not keep these thoughts to myself.  The last time I had this feeling was about 4 years ago after he expressed to me that he was getting married to a woman he'd barely known for a few months.  I asked if she were pregnant and he assured me that she wasn't, but I knew better.  To avoid an argument I "accepted" this lie and continued with my life.  I began to have dreams of his unhappiness and how he was making a huge mistake however I refused to be the one to say this to him....

Since my initial cleanse I've come to quite a few revelations which prompted necessary change; for starters I've become happy.  That seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, not really, it wasn't until I reached that space that I realized I had never really been happy before.  Don't get me wrong, I've had moments and even periods of happiness however as soon as life happened or things were no longer "perfect" that happiness vanished.  I recognized there was a huge difference between my life before and what is was becoming now.  I also regained my focus in the gym, I begun taking my workouts more seriously and finally started to see my desired results.  I made some adjustments in my diet and began to consider giving up meat.  Now that I am in this new/ unknown space, I begun to think "I need to meet new people", so with much harassment from a friend I decided to join an online dating site.  As I came across various exes and a few newcomers that cou...

I found myself in a very helpless/hopeless space, I felt my walls closing in on me and I had no one and nowhere to go for help. I was completely frustrated with my life in every aspect imaginable (financial struggles, relationships, career, not to mention body image and self esteem) however on the outside looking in I appeared to have it all together. In reality, I was ready to drive my car off a cliff! After I began dealing with health issues, uncaring doctors and the struggles we often find ourselves in, I realized I needed something outside of myself to fix it. I realized, me depending solely on myself for every decision and opportunity had gotten me to this place. I then stumbled upon a quote, I believe it was Albert Einstein who said "you can not solve a problem at the same level of consciousness in which it was created". Once I read that I was reminded of two amazingly beautiful women I follow on twitter (@BrookeBaileyInc and @VanessaVeasley), initially I followed the...

"Your comfort zone is an illusion; keeping you from everything your heart desires" @ShoesEqualAmore I took an introspective look at myself once I completed the cleanse in late January/ early February 2012. I found myself in a very unfamiliar space, I understood that I was now "happy" however I felt I needed more, I wanted to remain in this state and never return to the dark, empty, lonely space I had grown to feel comfortable in. I realized I needed to continue to stretch myself and do things that I’d never done before in order to make sure I stayed on this journey I’d accidently discovered. I decided to get more serious about working out, I even found an amazing blog full of health and beauty tips http://everybodyhatestrish.tumblr.com/  follow @MeanGirlTrishy on Twitter I begun incorporating an herb called " Maca Root " into my diet and begun to see results even quicker than the months prior to the cleanse. I could feel my self confidence increasing and...

"Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in the secret place" Psalms 51:6   According to my mother, she was unaware that she was carrying me until she was approximately 5 months pregnant.  She never experienced morning sickness or missed that "special time" us girls love so much (catch the sarcasm), she continued her life without the discomfort most women experience during their first pregnancy.  I don't recall how she realized that she was in fact pregnant however I do recall her telling me the story of how she named me.   She said she was sitting alone and heard a voice tell her "I need you, come here" so from that (as ridiculous as it may sound) she named me, *******  Kamille.  For most of my life I thought that story was completely embarrassing and I had even grown to hate my name, choosing to go by Kamille instead.  As I type these words, I now understand how it tied together.  You see GOD knew that I h...