At some point over the weekend I became consumed with a thought or perhaps it was a desire. I found myself in a realm of sadness because the reality of the situation is vastly different from my imagination. At one point I thought I needed to "make" it the way I wanted it to be, but how? From there I decided, "I need a drink!", now I've drank too much and I'm sick. Like, dizzy, vomiting, weak....dehydrated to the point I missed work for a couple of days.
So what started out of a space of wanting to connect with someone (in particular) lead to loneliness, obsessiveness, sadness, sickness and selfishness. See, now that I'm sick and the world didn't stop to pamper me back to health, I'm upset. Hmmm or would "hurt" be a better word? Next thing you know I'm focused solely on myself and my troubles, I stopped caring or noticing my interaction with those around me. I've been so mindful to not allow myself to go to a space of worry when it comes to my current challenges, however being distracted by the subtle annoyances of life is just as bad; if not worse than worrying.
Lesson learned: don't allow distractions to unravel everything your efforts have put together.
Flaws & All....
For as much as I have grown in various areas of my life, I realize spaces where I still have a lot to learn. I think it becomes easy to correct things based on priority or necessary effort. For example, for me managing my finances has become less of a challenge when you compare it to managing my heart and/ or feelings. Honestly, if given the tasks of curing Cancer or tackling matters of my heart. I'd choose finding a cure! As a kid and later as an adult I somehow adapted the philosophy that being vulnerable was a characteristic for the weak. Emotions, love and intimacy were all unnecessary and my happiness did not depend on their existence.
Didn't expect that from a girl, did you? As I type, i am reminded of my days as a young girl. For 13 years I was my father's only child not to mention I was surrounded by boys: three cousins and an uncle to be exact. They spoke openly in front of me so I heard all the games and opinions, i even saw how they treated women. I witnessed the women who got run over or taken advantage of, I saw the ones who were treated like Queens, yet never quite got the ultimate commitment. They took me on adventures lol I'm reminded of the Saturdays spent at the gun range, my dad would say "if I'm in a situation they'd never expect you to know what to do". My cousins and I fought like I was one of them (for a long time I really didn't know I wasn't). They protected me, they helped develop my self esteem, they made my life fun, and they also made it impossible for me to embrace being a girl.
As I got older the rules for me started to change; now I have to stay inside. No reasonable explanation, just because I'm a girl and it may not be safe. While my cousins were out until they felt like coming in. I grew to understand how much easier it is to be a man in this world.
Now I'm forced to find "girlfriends" and I don't know where or how to begin. Finally, I have a few and as we hang out and the conversation turns from careers and clothes to boys I realize how stupid they are. I can't relate, their thinking is completely different from mine and they don't like my input (especially when I let them know the "truth" based on what my cousins would say). I'm stuck in this world that I wasn't prepared for and I don't quite know how to adapt.
So fast forward to today, I am a woman. I do all the things that women do, except wear my heart on my sleeve. I know how to get myself together (nails done, hair done, every thing did), I can cook, I clean, I can even be nurturing. The trouble comes when it's time to be loving, I've mastered it with my son, friends, family (I think), but lovers hmmm I can be quite difficult to deal with. I over analyze and I care more than I am willing to admit. Usually there's a battle between love and logic, I've been trying to "let love win", but it's not always easy. Or is it?
Sometimes I wonder if guys knew what it’s really like to be a woman. Like the pressure and standards we have to deal with. The influences in the media to make us insecure and doubtful (take a look at the cover of women's magazines, check out the number of weight loss commercials targeting us and let's not even talk about "popular" music). In this moment I truly empathize with a certain someone and how I may frustrate him. I guess when you begin to see both sides of a situation it's much easier to choose your heart more often.
Didn't expect that from a girl, did you? As I type, i am reminded of my days as a young girl. For 13 years I was my father's only child not to mention I was surrounded by boys: three cousins and an uncle to be exact. They spoke openly in front of me so I heard all the games and opinions, i even saw how they treated women. I witnessed the women who got run over or taken advantage of, I saw the ones who were treated like Queens, yet never quite got the ultimate commitment. They took me on adventures lol I'm reminded of the Saturdays spent at the gun range, my dad would say "if I'm in a situation they'd never expect you to know what to do". My cousins and I fought like I was one of them (for a long time I really didn't know I wasn't). They protected me, they helped develop my self esteem, they made my life fun, and they also made it impossible for me to embrace being a girl.
As I got older the rules for me started to change; now I have to stay inside. No reasonable explanation, just because I'm a girl and it may not be safe. While my cousins were out until they felt like coming in. I grew to understand how much easier it is to be a man in this world.
Now I'm forced to find "girlfriends" and I don't know where or how to begin. Finally, I have a few and as we hang out and the conversation turns from careers and clothes to boys I realize how stupid they are. I can't relate, their thinking is completely different from mine and they don't like my input (especially when I let them know the "truth" based on what my cousins would say). I'm stuck in this world that I wasn't prepared for and I don't quite know how to adapt.
So fast forward to today, I am a woman. I do all the things that women do, except wear my heart on my sleeve. I know how to get myself together (nails done, hair done, every thing did), I can cook, I clean, I can even be nurturing. The trouble comes when it's time to be loving, I've mastered it with my son, friends, family (I think), but lovers hmmm I can be quite difficult to deal with. I over analyze and I care more than I am willing to admit. Usually there's a battle between love and logic, I've been trying to "let love win", but it's not always easy. Or is it?
Sometimes I wonder if guys knew what it’s really like to be a woman. Like the pressure and standards we have to deal with. The influences in the media to make us insecure and doubtful (take a look at the cover of women's magazines, check out the number of weight loss commercials targeting us and let's not even talk about "popular" music). In this moment I truly empathize with a certain someone and how I may frustrate him. I guess when you begin to see both sides of a situation it's much easier to choose your heart more often.
Was this fate; or something else?
I’d only been to two funerals in my entire life; after I attended Terrance’s I vowed to myself that I would never attend another. It took forever to comprehend the fact that he was gone, I dialed his number a million times, well the first 6-digits until I realized I’d never hear his voice again, or see his face or the smile that I loved so much. I buried myself in motherhood, school and work. Nothing else mattered.
Once I began to see this sadness linger I realized I needed to switch my focus. I turned to a group of "friends" I met online; we chatted throughout the day while we engaged in various tasks (work, school, etc.). After months of socializing online we decided to have a get together and meet everyone who wanted to attend. I was a bit apprehensive since I had only developed friendships with 3 out of about 20 of the chat room members. It was the perfect Saturday afternoon in July (I believe it was July, my memory escapes me on the details). There was food and music yet much to everyone’s surprise, silence lol. Someone made a comment about if we all had screens and keyboards in front of us no one would "shut up", alas, the ice is broken and we all begin to have a really good time. We even play football, girls vs. boys, needless to say that was HILARIOUS.
A few days later a chat room buddy and I were online cruising the pages of those in attendance of the picnic and come across one in particular which states that the person is now dead. Crazy right? The first thing I think is "this cant be true", prior to that instance, I had never thought of this person, never engaged in conversation, never paid any attention to him. However, seeing the words on the screen I knew I could not sleep until I heard his voice. Luckily, my friend happened to have his number and we began calling non-stop, at one point she grew tired, but I knew I could not rest until I had reassurance either way. As the night became day the worry fueled my mission, then finally "hello" –exhale-
My first words "I thought you were dead!" his response "who is this?" lol I explained who I was and why I was calling and he said "well obviously I’m not dead" we shared a laugh and stayed on the phone for hours. Instant friendship! Not long after he was deployed and as we were on opposite sides of the Earth and my good ole insomnia was at its worst the friendship deepened. There was no way after Terrance could I not make sure he was okay or at least known some type of closure. Even though I didn’t know him, I had just spent my afternoon in his presence. Over time our friendship morphed into something else, I used to refer to it as "love", but now I am not so sure. I feel, well I felt an unusual connection to him, like I know when something’s wrong even if he never admits it.
As my feelings for him finally changed, I am curious to know his purpose in my life. The timing and manner in which we met were all so strange, it seems like it must have been fate. I understand this was why I held on so tightly, for so long. Now that I am sure he is not "the one" for me, I am equally unsure why we HAD to meet in such a way for years to pass and nothing beneficial occurred. Perhaps this was something else, but what? And why? I don’t have those answers and to be honest I don’t really know if I am ready for them. All I know right now is that we had good times, he filled a bit of a void or maybe I stuffed him into a space he was incapable of filling. Wow, that’s an interesting perspective. I never thought of that one before. Any way it goes, I am no longer deleting people from my life or forcing them where they don’t belong. I also let go of the obsession of knowing up front what a persons purpose is in my life.
Who knows how this journey will transition? I know I don’t, at this point in my life I am finally just enjoying the ride. The destination is unclear and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My First Love....
Last night I had an issue with insomnia, I used to hate the fact that I couldn’t sleep; I felt like something was wrong with me and I needed to "fix" it. Trouble is, this body is extremely sensitive to OTC "drugs", you name it and it knocks me OUT. Over the years I’ve learned it’s easier to embrace my "condition" rather than try to fight or fix it; that had to be one of the smartest things I’ve ever done in my life. Now, it’s just a part of who I am, when I can’t sleep I’ll ask myself (the Universe), "what am I going to learn?" or "what am I supposed to be doing". Once that’s completed I can drift off to sleep and even if it’s merely an hour or two I feel rested. But, I digress.
So I’ll start with yesterday, for some reason Terrance was on my mind heavy. I know he’s been mentioned, but I never go into detail about him or his place in my heart. I’ve buried that so deep within that I often forget the entire experience. Anyway, while having a conversation with a friend, he mentioned a dream that he had the night before and in that dream it reminded me of Terrance so I mentioned it a little. Now fast forward to my insomnia (I feel like I’m rambling however I’m really just trying to tie it together, I hope it works lol), so I find myself unable to sleep and it dawns on me "pull out your old journals", I’m flipping through entries and I notice a few about Terrance. As I read the thoughts of a 14 year old girl discovering love, I remember the day I met him. It was summer 1994, the perfect day and I looked an absolute mess, jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, hair in a ponytail and my little cousin on my hip. As I’m trying to entertain this kid to give his mother a break I see this tall, attractive guy approaching me. I had no clue what to do or say however I was preparing myself for whatever came next. We had small talk and he disappeared, the next day I got dolled up and found reasons to go to the same spot I had met him and of course he was no where in sight. However I met someone else, he didn’t have the same look in his eye or honesty in his conversation, but I entertained it just the same. He asked for my number yet I choose not to hand it over. I had my eye on someone and I’d never really "talked" to boys at that time so this was all unfamiliar territory for me.
A few days had passed and our paths never crossed so as I began to give up hope, a friend asks me to walk with her to the store, with nothing else to do I accompany her. Soon as we turn the corner who do I run into? The two guys I had met earlier that week, lo and behold they are friends. My entire focus was on Terrance, his eyes, his smile and most importantly, his words. At some point he lets me know that they were going to play basketball with the other guys who often played near my house, and hinted that he’d like for us to come watch. Instantly I knew, wherever he was, is where I wanted to be. As my friend and I watched, cheered and at one point joined the game we shared laughs and glances. By the end of the game I had his number and was floating in the clouds. He and I developed a friendship like nothing I’d ever experienced before; he was caring, warm, encouraging, brilliant, loved music, giving and a host of other qualities I to this day use as a scale for any man I may entertain. He listened to my hopes and dreams, eased my mind about the fears and in his own way helped shape the woman I’ve become (for better and for worse).
The thing is he was older than I was and by reading my journal entries from 1994- 1996, I now understand how difficult this was for him. We had an intense connection, one which defies age, and he often had a hard time accepting that. He would become distant and I summed it up to the fact that he "just didn’t like me anymore". I remember one day in High School, this woman came to my school to fight me, I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen. She approached me with my friends to inquire about my dealings with "her man", I assured her that he and I were just friends and IF she had an issue with anyone it should be him. I thought about it and added, her issue is really with herself and she should question why she’s at a high school confronting someone over her boyfriend. Needless to say, there was no fight that day or ever.
I stopped speaking to him for quite some time after that. We then ran into one another on various occasions and it was clear that our bond was never disrupted. I missed him and the feelings were mutual, I don’t recall who took the first step, but a step was taken and we were friends again. The most incredible things about our relationship was; it DIDN'T involve sex, we didn’t even discuss it. We talked about everything else under the sun and I cherish that now more than ever because my memory of him has always been innocent and pure even with the ups and downs.
I recall summer of 1997, my body was going through all types of changes and I didn’t really know what was going on, at this point I decided "I want him to be my ‘first’". It was a very adventurous summer, but one day in particular I had no plans so somehow a friend and I end up at his house. She decides to take it upon herself to share my secret with him and I was absolutely mortified! He asks me if it were true and I was honest, we excused ourselves and went to another room to talk, during this time he tells me that he couldn’t do that to me and that I should really take my virginity very seriously. I didn’t understand and felt completely rejected so she and I left and I didn’t speak to him for years after that.
Now I am an adult with a child, I remember feeling completely embarrassed to walk around the neighborhood because I didn’t want to run into him and he saw me in this condition although I knew he had already heard from the gossips. One night I was returning home from shopping (my son was a few months old at the time) and I ran into him, he was so delighted to see me. He knew I had a baby and he didn’t care, it was as if he was just happy to see me. I remember I took my bags and sat with him in his backyard while he smoked and we listened to Pink Floyd. He explained to me why he loved them and then how he missed our friendship, he never brought up my baby however I felt compelled to have that conversation with him. He assured me that he didn’t look at me any differently and he just wanted to be in my life. We re-established our friendship and it was better than ever. One evening we were on the phone and he could tell that I had gotten sick, it was a very cold night at the end of December and he said he was going to come and bring medicine for me. I pleaded with him to stay home; I said I’d just get him sick and that I would be okay. He didn’t listen, I heard a knock on my window a few minutes later and when I saw his smile I had to go to him. We sat outside in the cold and talked, at the end of our conversation he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I was looking forward to whatever was to come.
New Years comes and I call to wish him a happy 200_ (I forget the exact year) and I hear "he is no longer with us", I have no clue what that means, I figured he had stepped out and I should call back later or that he had moved, in a day. So the next day, I call again and I hear the same sweet voice say to me "honey, Terrance is dead". Everything I knew was unclear to me and I could not process this information. The man I loved, the man who taught me in his own way what it meant to be a "lady", how it felt to express myself without fear of judgment. Now who would I confide in? Who would stretch my mind? Who would fill this void in my heart that only knew him?
Free To Love
About a week ago I had a dream, it was all too familiar yet completely different. I dreamt that I was telling that same guy who occuplied so much of my heart for so many years that I was getting married. When I woke up, the feeling of truth overwhelmed me. As if this dream was filled with so much possibility. I quickly emailed him and formed my words from a space of love and to be informative.
I recalled having this feeling once before, which is why I knew I could not keep these thoughts to myself. The last time I had this feeling was about 4 years ago after he expressed to me that he was getting married to a woman he'd barely known for a few months. I asked if she were pregnant and he assured me that she wasn't, but I knew better. To avoid an argument I "accepted" this lie and continued with my life. I began to have dreams of his unhappiness and how he was making a huge mistake however I refused to be the one to say this to him. I knew he'd take my words and accuse me of being jealous or "a hater" or whatever; so I remained silent.
Not long after his announcement I decided to distance myself. I didnt realize how noticeable it was until he confronted me. I explained to him that our friendship would need to end, I told him there is no way given our history that his wife would accept it unless we lied and I was not willing to do that. He couldnt understand my position and I was unwilling to budge. Then one evening after work my boss/friend invited me out for dinner and drinks. We go and somehow I get drunk, it didn't quite hit me until I returned to his house to get my car (I rode with him and his boyfriend). Now its apparent, I am too drunk to drive so we stayed up and talked until they were ready for bed. At some point I became restless and HAD to tell this man that he was making a mistake. His response "everyone keeps telling me this, but we're getting married tomorrow". I was crushed, well a few steps past crushed. I wished him well and deleted his information and made the decision to go on with my life.
Well, it was shortlived because a few days later he was inquiring why he hadnt heard from me, my reply "shouldnt you be honeymooning?". Fast forward not even 2 months later, he pops up at my house because he's miserable and regrests getting married. He finally admitted that he did it because she was pregnant.
Okay back to last week- I explained to him that I had been unavailable to other opportunities in the hopes that somehow, someway, someday we'd get our shit together and make something happen for real. I revealed to him that I'd been expressing my thoughts and exposing my heart and he hadn't reciprocated. I was honest and said that I wasn't making threats or giving an ultimatum, I mentioned my dream and the feeling associated and said I wanted to make sure he was aware and had every opportunity to do and/or say whatever he felt he should, so if we find ourselves in that moment I could honestly say "I did everything I could".
Soon after, I felt as if I had been set free. I no longer feel rejected because he chooses not to reply to my words. I'm no longer holding my breath and refusing to live my life to the fullest. Most importantly, I'm no longer holding on to something I should've let go of so long ago. As I realized what just happened, I had a thought and posted it to my Facebook.
"today my heart was set free, yet it remains full. I am now free to love like never before".
Word <3
I recalled having this feeling once before, which is why I knew I could not keep these thoughts to myself. The last time I had this feeling was about 4 years ago after he expressed to me that he was getting married to a woman he'd barely known for a few months. I asked if she were pregnant and he assured me that she wasn't, but I knew better. To avoid an argument I "accepted" this lie and continued with my life. I began to have dreams of his unhappiness and how he was making a huge mistake however I refused to be the one to say this to him. I knew he'd take my words and accuse me of being jealous or "a hater" or whatever; so I remained silent.
Not long after his announcement I decided to distance myself. I didnt realize how noticeable it was until he confronted me. I explained to him that our friendship would need to end, I told him there is no way given our history that his wife would accept it unless we lied and I was not willing to do that. He couldnt understand my position and I was unwilling to budge. Then one evening after work my boss/friend invited me out for dinner and drinks. We go and somehow I get drunk, it didn't quite hit me until I returned to his house to get my car (I rode with him and his boyfriend). Now its apparent, I am too drunk to drive so we stayed up and talked until they were ready for bed. At some point I became restless and HAD to tell this man that he was making a mistake. His response "everyone keeps telling me this, but we're getting married tomorrow". I was crushed, well a few steps past crushed. I wished him well and deleted his information and made the decision to go on with my life.
Well, it was shortlived because a few days later he was inquiring why he hadnt heard from me, my reply "shouldnt you be honeymooning?". Fast forward not even 2 months later, he pops up at my house because he's miserable and regrests getting married. He finally admitted that he did it because she was pregnant.
Okay back to last week- I explained to him that I had been unavailable to other opportunities in the hopes that somehow, someway, someday we'd get our shit together and make something happen for real. I revealed to him that I'd been expressing my thoughts and exposing my heart and he hadn't reciprocated. I was honest and said that I wasn't making threats or giving an ultimatum, I mentioned my dream and the feeling associated and said I wanted to make sure he was aware and had every opportunity to do and/or say whatever he felt he should, so if we find ourselves in that moment I could honestly say "I did everything I could".
Soon after, I felt as if I had been set free. I no longer feel rejected because he chooses not to reply to my words. I'm no longer holding my breath and refusing to live my life to the fullest. Most importantly, I'm no longer holding on to something I should've let go of so long ago. As I realized what just happened, I had a thought and posted it to my Facebook.
"today my heart was set free, yet it remains full. I am now free to love like never before".
Word <3
Moving Mountains
Since my initial cleanse I've come to quite a few revelations which prompted necessary change; for starters I've become happy. That seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, not really, it wasn't until I reached that space that I realized I had never really been happy before. Don't get me wrong, I've had moments and even periods of happiness however as soon as life happened or things were no longer "perfect" that happiness vanished. I recognized there was a huge difference between my life before and what is was becoming now.
I also regained my focus in the gym, I begun taking my workouts more seriously and finally started to see my desired results. I made some adjustments in my diet and began to consider giving up meat. Now that I am in this new/ unknown space, I begun to think "I need to meet new people", so with much harassment from a friend I decided to join an online dating site. As I came across various exes and a few newcomers that could not hold my interest, I decided it was time for another cleanse. See, the first one I focuses on my body; I needed to detox and begin to repair, while this time I realized it was for my spirit. I realized I had not dated in quite some time since I've been dealing with the same few men for the past 10 years. That seems so crazy now that I've written it out, but that's the situation nonetheless. I thought that I needed to see myself as I am perceived by the world. I needed to reveal my dating and relationship strengths as well as my weaknesses so that I could attract the type of individuals I needed in my space while on this journey.
The plan was cleanse (www.themastercleanse.org) for fifteen (15) days, this time I choose to read "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene. I figured I needed to equip myself for the games and traps which I will admit I had grown naive to and quite unaware of. The last piece of this cleanse was to meditate as well as be as social as possible so that i could see who I became if I was under the influence.
A few things happened; for starters I saw many things that I did not like within the first few days. I was a bit shocked that I was so uncaring of other people's feelings at times. By the first week I made a conscious effort to repair and if possible rebuild relationships with family, friends and a few of the men who had been in my life for a good chunk of my adult years. I prayed for closure on a few situations as well as insight on how certain relationships had gone from a very loving space to something completely toxic. Within a day or two of the completion of this cleanse I actually had conversations with three (3) men from my past and they were completely honest and shared their perspective of their interaction with me. It was in that moment I realized, they loved me, I'd hurt them yet they still cared. I was blown away! In all honesty I had no idea.
In one situation, it was in that moment that I was finally able to see him for who he really is and not the tough exterior. At the same time I had begun communication with the person who occupied so many of my thoughts and blog entries. It started off with lots of potential, I was optimistic, thinking "this may really be it". He appeared to be in a space of openness and honesty, well until the questions were presented and he grew silent. At that moment I was reminded of the "tough guy" and our interaction over the years. I saw my mistakes clearly, I realized how we'd gotten so far off track and how we both contributed to it. I also realized how I was so engulfed by a completely toxic "relationship" that I overlooked other opportunities at happiness, which in turn made those toxic situations as well. In that moment I decided a few things:
1.) Abstinence was the way to go! By being honest with myself, I had to admit I am too paranoid to engage in casual sex. I don't completely "let go" which makes it difficult to completely enjoy (I know, I know TMI. Sorry) however its because I require a much deeper connection than you can establish in a casual situation. I like the journey not just the destination.
2.) Meat has got to go! I decided to give meat a rest for a while since it first came up in the cleanse in January. I figured I'd give it a try and adapt a pescetarian lifestyle (http://pescetarianlife.com/).
3.) I would no longer be afraid of love or being vulnerable! I may have killed a chance at love and happiness because I was too stupid, blind and wrapped up in bullshit to recognize what was in front of me. I was so afraid of being hurt that I in turn hurt someone I truly cared about. I told myself that can never happen again AND if given the chance I must fix this.
I also regained my focus in the gym, I begun taking my workouts more seriously and finally started to see my desired results. I made some adjustments in my diet and began to consider giving up meat. Now that I am in this new/ unknown space, I begun to think "I need to meet new people", so with much harassment from a friend I decided to join an online dating site. As I came across various exes and a few newcomers that could not hold my interest, I decided it was time for another cleanse. See, the first one I focuses on my body; I needed to detox and begin to repair, while this time I realized it was for my spirit. I realized I had not dated in quite some time since I've been dealing with the same few men for the past 10 years. That seems so crazy now that I've written it out, but that's the situation nonetheless. I thought that I needed to see myself as I am perceived by the world. I needed to reveal my dating and relationship strengths as well as my weaknesses so that I could attract the type of individuals I needed in my space while on this journey.
The plan was cleanse (www.themastercleanse.org) for fifteen (15) days, this time I choose to read "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene. I figured I needed to equip myself for the games and traps which I will admit I had grown naive to and quite unaware of. The last piece of this cleanse was to meditate as well as be as social as possible so that i could see who I became if I was under the influence.
A few things happened; for starters I saw many things that I did not like within the first few days. I was a bit shocked that I was so uncaring of other people's feelings at times. By the first week I made a conscious effort to repair and if possible rebuild relationships with family, friends and a few of the men who had been in my life for a good chunk of my adult years. I prayed for closure on a few situations as well as insight on how certain relationships had gone from a very loving space to something completely toxic. Within a day or two of the completion of this cleanse I actually had conversations with three (3) men from my past and they were completely honest and shared their perspective of their interaction with me. It was in that moment I realized, they loved me, I'd hurt them yet they still cared. I was blown away! In all honesty I had no idea.
In one situation, it was in that moment that I was finally able to see him for who he really is and not the tough exterior. At the same time I had begun communication with the person who occupied so many of my thoughts and blog entries. It started off with lots of potential, I was optimistic, thinking "this may really be it". He appeared to be in a space of openness and honesty, well until the questions were presented and he grew silent. At that moment I was reminded of the "tough guy" and our interaction over the years. I saw my mistakes clearly, I realized how we'd gotten so far off track and how we both contributed to it. I also realized how I was so engulfed by a completely toxic "relationship" that I overlooked other opportunities at happiness, which in turn made those toxic situations as well. In that moment I decided a few things:
1.) Abstinence was the way to go! By being honest with myself, I had to admit I am too paranoid to engage in casual sex. I don't completely "let go" which makes it difficult to completely enjoy (I know, I know TMI. Sorry) however its because I require a much deeper connection than you can establish in a casual situation. I like the journey not just the destination.
2.) Meat has got to go! I decided to give meat a rest for a while since it first came up in the cleanse in January. I figured I'd give it a try and adapt a pescetarian lifestyle (http://pescetarianlife.com/).
3.) I would no longer be afraid of love or being vulnerable! I may have killed a chance at love and happiness because I was too stupid, blind and wrapped up in bullshit to recognize what was in front of me. I was so afraid of being hurt that I in turn hurt someone I truly cared about. I told myself that can never happen again AND if given the chance I must fix this.
Cleansing- A mental, physical and spiritual experience
I found myself in a very helpless/hopeless space, I felt my walls closing in on me and I had no one and nowhere to go for help. I was completely frustrated with my life in every aspect imaginable (financial struggles, relationships, career, not to mention body image and self esteem) however on the outside looking in I appeared to have it all together. In reality, I was ready to drive my car off a cliff!
After I began dealing with health issues, uncaring doctors and the struggles we often find ourselves in, I realized I needed something outside of myself to fix it. I realized, me depending solely on myself for every decision and opportunity had gotten me to this place. I then stumbled upon a quote, I believe it was Albert Einstein who said "you can not solve a problem at the same level of consciousness in which it was created". Once I read that I was reminded of two amazingly beautiful women I follow on twitter (@BrookeBaileyInc and @VanessaVeasley), initially I followed them because they were obviously gorgeous with amazing bodies, then I discovered their true beauty. They are intelligent and within their friendship they support, encourage and love one another. At one point either one or both of them were doing "the Master Cleanse" and I'd sit on the sideline and take mental notes of their progress and discoveries. In writing that seems kind of creepy, but none of us interact with EVERYONE we follow and we've created or identified the reasons we choose to click that follow or unfollow button. In this space in time I realized I needed to do the master cleanse. So I sent Vanessa and Brooke a tweet asking what their mindset is when doing the cleanse, what is the desired outcome, etc. both lovely ladies answered me and gave me their reasons and benefits for cleansing.
When Brooke replied, her words really hit a spot in my heart and mind because it was exactly what I was looking for, she said "When I cleanse, it's for my mind, body & soul. I focus on me, read my bible, positive books... Once you start your detox from the inside. You will see the advantages on the outside. What you put in your body will show.”. It was settled! Somehow the Universe heard my cry and was guiding me out of my misery. I thought about the mindset I was in and the person I had become, mean, angry, careless, selfish, the list goes on. So I read "The Four Agreements" and completed my 10 day cleanse. Each day was different and I felt myself discarding all of those negative feelings and thoughts. At the end of it, a co-worker said to me "I know you've changed, I can see it and I know you'll never go back". It wasn't until he spoke those words that I'd realized other people could see the effects of my enlightening. I felt as if my eyes had opened and I was waking from a fog of unhappiness. I truly can't recall a time that I felt so good.
In addition to this mental and emotional breakthrough I also realized I shed some pounds. I had been battling my weight for years, nothing worked, from October 2011 to January 2012 with the changes to my diet and exercise I'd only lost a pathetic 10lbs. I was killing myself in the gym, passing up my favorite foods all in the name of "skinny" and skinny could give a fuck less. So I'm cleansing and I face the most difficult day, my BFF and I have a huge argument, of course I don't want to deal with this. Long story short I find myself at a neighbors house and "for fun" I decide to weigh myself, to my surprise in just a few days I had lost 7 lbs! By day 10 I lost a total of 17 lbs. I knew there was no turning back.
I feel like I'm getting "there", wherever that is, but I recognize that there's more work to be done....
After I began dealing with health issues, uncaring doctors and the struggles we often find ourselves in, I realized I needed something outside of myself to fix it. I realized, me depending solely on myself for every decision and opportunity had gotten me to this place. I then stumbled upon a quote, I believe it was Albert Einstein who said "you can not solve a problem at the same level of consciousness in which it was created". Once I read that I was reminded of two amazingly beautiful women I follow on twitter (@BrookeBaileyInc and @VanessaVeasley), initially I followed them because they were obviously gorgeous with amazing bodies, then I discovered their true beauty. They are intelligent and within their friendship they support, encourage and love one another. At one point either one or both of them were doing "the Master Cleanse" and I'd sit on the sideline and take mental notes of their progress and discoveries. In writing that seems kind of creepy, but none of us interact with EVERYONE we follow and we've created or identified the reasons we choose to click that follow or unfollow button. In this space in time I realized I needed to do the master cleanse. So I sent Vanessa and Brooke a tweet asking what their mindset is when doing the cleanse, what is the desired outcome, etc. both lovely ladies answered me and gave me their reasons and benefits for cleansing.
When Brooke replied, her words really hit a spot in my heart and mind because it was exactly what I was looking for, she said "When I cleanse, it's for my mind, body & soul. I focus on me, read my bible, positive books... Once you start your detox from the inside. You will see the advantages on the outside. What you put in your body will show.”. It was settled! Somehow the Universe heard my cry and was guiding me out of my misery. I thought about the mindset I was in and the person I had become, mean, angry, careless, selfish, the list goes on. So I read "The Four Agreements" and completed my 10 day cleanse. Each day was different and I felt myself discarding all of those negative feelings and thoughts. At the end of it, a co-worker said to me "I know you've changed, I can see it and I know you'll never go back". It wasn't until he spoke those words that I'd realized other people could see the effects of my enlightening. I felt as if my eyes had opened and I was waking from a fog of unhappiness. I truly can't recall a time that I felt so good.
In addition to this mental and emotional breakthrough I also realized I shed some pounds. I had been battling my weight for years, nothing worked, from October 2011 to January 2012 with the changes to my diet and exercise I'd only lost a pathetic 10lbs. I was killing myself in the gym, passing up my favorite foods all in the name of "skinny" and skinny could give a fuck less. So I'm cleansing and I face the most difficult day, my BFF and I have a huge argument, of course I don't want to deal with this. Long story short I find myself at a neighbors house and "for fun" I decide to weigh myself, to my surprise in just a few days I had lost 7 lbs! By day 10 I lost a total of 17 lbs. I knew there was no turning back.
I feel like I'm getting "there", wherever that is, but I recognize that there's more work to be done....
Comfort Zone(s)
"Your comfort zone is an illusion; keeping you from everything your heart desires"
@ShoesEqualAmore
I took an introspective look at myself once I completed the cleanse in late January/ early February 2012. I found myself in a very unfamiliar space, I understood that I was now "happy" however I felt I needed more, I wanted to remain in this state and never return to the dark, empty, lonely space I had grown to feel comfortable in. I realized I needed to continue to stretch myself and do things that I’d never done before in order to make sure I stayed on this journey I’d accidently discovered. I decided to get more serious about working out, I even found an amazing blog full of health and beauty tips
http://everybodyhatestrish.tumblr.com/ follow @MeanGirlTrishy on Twitter I begun incorporating an herb called "Maca Root" into my diet and begun to see results even quicker than the months prior to the cleanse. I could feel my self confidence increasing and I started to take a little more time and effort getting dressed, doing my hair and applying my make-up (when I chose to wear it), I then decided I was ready to meet new people and start dating. I was starting to question why I hadn’t done any of these things sooner, at no time did I feel overwhelmed or as if things would fall apart. This was why I’d never dared to step out of my comfort zone before. I thought the unfamiliar would "eat me alive", realizing it was simply fear holding me back. Fear of rejection, failure, criticism, you name it. So fast forward a bit, late May/ early June 2012 I decide to do the master cleanse again, this time for fifteen (15) days with the objective to see myself from all perspectives: (how I see myself, how others see me, how I believe others see me, you get the picture).
During this cleanse I had quite a few ideas, epiphanies, revelations and thoughts (I will blog about the experience at another time) I am not completely sure why I thought to share my online journal with the world yet I talked myself out of it, I thought "that’s too personal", "who would read it?", and finally "would I censor my thoughts since they would now be available for the world to criticize?". Recently I was approached with an opportunity which in the past when presented with the same situation I’ve either talked myself out of it or allowed the deadline to pass me by. I told myself, "I’m not even a writer", "I need to take a class", and a host of other lame excuses. This time however I refused to let this opportunity pass me by, I have the chance to be apart of something spectacular and that is exactly what I need in my life. So I put my thoughts together and submitted a sample (see "How Did I Get Here?"); which was well received and with that encouragement I once again had the idea to share my thoughts. I spoke with the person who introduced me to my "opportunity" and he told me how my words may help someone obtain an alternate perspective and how we all go through the same things. I decided at that point, it’s no longer about me. If I have the opportunity to share my perspective and someone else benefits then I have no choice but to do it.
I am experiencing many feelings for the first time in my life, I am taking risks, being vulnerable, doing things that are uncomfortable and most importantly closing the gap between the girl I once was and that woman I’ve always wanted to be. Thank you for being apart of my journey and I hope something I say inspires you to do something you’ve talked yourself out of because of fear.
How Did I Get Here?
"Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in the secret place"
Psalms 51:6
According to my mother, she was unaware that she was carrying me until she was approximately 5 months pregnant. She never experienced morning sickness or missed that "special time" us girls love so much (catch the sarcasm), she continued her life without the discomfort most women experience during their first pregnancy. I don't recall how she realized that she was in fact pregnant however I do recall her telling me the story of how she named me. She said she was sitting alone and heard a voice tell her "I need you, come here" so from that (as ridiculous as it may sound) she named me, ******* Kamille. For most of my life I thought that story was completely embarrassing and I had even grown to hate my name, choosing to go by Kamille instead. As I type these words, I now understand how it tied together. You see GOD knew that I had a purpose on this earth, (S)He hid me in the womb to make sure I had a chance at life, (S)He spoke to my mother and gave her a responsibility and understanding that she needed me.
As a child I remember feeling different, I didn't really relate to the other kids and I was always with my grandmother, holding conversations and learning her ways and asking her a million questions on why she chose to do things the way she did. I was always fascinated with the "why", it was never enough to know what to do, and I needed to understand why it was done that way and if there was a better, more efficient way to get something done. I'm sure you can imagine how time consuming that could be, so somewhere along the way I was taught (perhaps indirectly) that my way of thinking was "wrong" and that I even "thought too much". As I sit here now I see how foolish that is and I now understand why I allow my son to talk my ear off. I often get frustrated at him when he says "I'm not thinking about anything"; I reply to him "that is impossible. If you don't want to share your thought that's one thing but to not have a thought is impossible". He now understands the difference. But, I digress.
As I grew older I became bored with my surroundings and my life completely, I knew there was more to it than what I saw around me. I would often joke and say that I was adopted or switched in the hospital because the life I was living was vastly different from the world I created in my mind. I daydreamed often, honestly I still do. The world outside my window had grown depressing and mediocre, at some point I concluded that my life would be no different from those around me and I began to make poor decisions which resulted in lessons only "life" can teach you. The result was a very jaded, unhappy, mean and insecure girl who often just felt misunderstood. At some point I began to accept the "fact" that in order for people to like me, I had to be perfect and do things the way I was expected to without question. I figured "if I say and do everything 'right' they will love and accept me". Boy was I wrong! I found myself miserable, I would go to a job I hated and count the minutes until lunch and again until it was time to go home. At home I would shut the world out and sleep until it was time to do everything all over again. What an existence! I began to experience stomach issues and the doctors loved to call me "obese" at a mere 180 lbs yet they could not explain why I was experiencing the issues that I had nor did they know how to correct them. In October 2011, I saw a doctor and I asked him to refer me to a nutritionist and he had the nerve to tell me "No", he told me to take these pills and "see if they work". I had finally had enough. I decided to cut some things from my diet and exercise, I slowly started seeing results, then in January 2012 I decided it was time to do the cleanse I had been avoiding for the past 2-3 years. I planned out the start date and began to put together a game plan. My objective was to never have to go to a doctor who didn't care about my well being, so I had to eliminate the issues causing me to see them. I asked myself, "what is my outcome?" and soon after I had a thought to read a book in conjunction with the cleanse. I decided I would do The Master Cleanse (www.themastercleanse.org) for ten (10) days and read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Around day 4-5 I realized that God was extending grace towards me, and offering me a choice at life. I was so far gone prior to this experience and I did not care about anything or anyone. I was vain, self centered, moody, judgmental, and insecure. I had trust and abandonment issues, you get the picture, I was A MESS! After day 5 the cleanse seemed like a cake walk, I was talking AND more importantly, LISTENING to God. I began to smile again, I was thinking clearly and I was beginning to feel good about myself. It was in that moment I knew something had changed in me and that I would never allow myself to go back to such a dark unhappy space. As I approached day 10 I wasn't sure of the feeling that seemed to be consistent, then I realized….. I was happy.
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