For as much as I have grown in various areas of my life, I realize spaces where I still have a lot to learn. I think it becomes easy to correct things based on priority or necessary effort. For example, for me managing my finances has become less of a challenge when you compare it to managing my heart and/ or feelings. Honestly, if given the tasks of curing Cancer or tackling matters of my heart. I'd choose finding a cure! As a kid and later as an adult I somehow adapted the philosophy that being vulnerable was a characteristic for the weak. Emotions, love and intimacy were all unnecessary and my happiness did not depend on their existence.
Didn't expect that from a girl, did you? As I type, i am reminded of my days as a young girl. For 13 years I was my father's only child not to mention I was surrounded by boys: three cousins and an uncle to be exact. They spoke openly in front of me so I heard all the games and opinions, i even saw how they treated women. I witnessed the women who got run over or taken advantage of, I saw the ones who were treated like Queens, yet never quite got the ultimate commitment. They took me on adventures lol I'm reminded of the Saturdays spent at the gun range, my dad would say "if I'm in a situation they'd never expect you to know what to do". My cousins and I fought like I was one of them (for a long time I really didn't know I wasn't). They protected me, they helped develop my self esteem, they made my life fun, and they also made it impossible for me to embrace being a girl.
As I got older the rules for me started to change; now I have to stay inside. No reasonable explanation, just because I'm a girl and it may not be safe. While my cousins were out until they felt like coming in. I grew to understand how much easier it is to be a man in this world.
Now I'm forced to find "girlfriends" and I don't know where or how to begin. Finally, I have a few and as we hang out and the conversation turns from careers and clothes to boys I realize how stupid they are. I can't relate, their thinking is completely different from mine and they don't like my input (especially when I let them know the "truth" based on what my cousins would say). I'm stuck in this world that I wasn't prepared for and I don't quite know how to adapt.
So fast forward to today, I am a woman. I do all the things that women do, except wear my heart on my sleeve. I know how to get myself together (nails done, hair done, every thing did), I can cook, I clean, I can even be nurturing. The trouble comes when it's time to be loving, I've mastered it with my son, friends, family (I think), but lovers hmmm I can be quite difficult to deal with. I over analyze and I care more than I am willing to admit. Usually there's a battle between love and logic, I've been trying to "let love win", but it's not always easy. Or is it?
Sometimes I wonder if guys knew what it’s really like to be a woman. Like the pressure and standards we have to deal with. The influences in the media to make us insecure and doubtful (take a look at the cover of women's magazines, check out the number of weight loss commercials targeting us and let's not even talk about "popular" music). In this moment I truly empathize with a certain someone and how I may frustrate him. I guess when you begin to see both sides of a situation it's much easier to choose your heart more often.
