What Now?

I've never been the type to believe that I had the ability to "change" anyone; nor do I attempt to.  I realized very early in life that my only obligation was to change, rather improve my Self.  As a perfectionist with a sheltered upbringing, I found myself quite judgmental, however I kept my judgments to my Self.  I was super critical of my thoughts, actions as well as my words.  The good thing for Others, was that I am a true introvert.  I absolutely adore the time spent with myself, just as much (if not more) than being in the company of a group.  

I don't recall what sparked in me.  Honestly, until this moment, I never questioned or examined it. As I've shared in previous expressions, 2009 was the year I moved from my family with the desire to truly grow into the Woman I desire to be.  The Woman I knew was buried inside, dying to show herself to "the world".  It was my Soul yearning for something more amazing; something I'd never experienced before; I suppose I was longing to Live, rather than simply exist as I had been before. I moved to an area of the City that spoke to my Heart, I lived many miles away for most of my life, until I began a job in 2003 which totally opened my eyes to another way of living.  I interacted with people from various cultures, ethnicity's, etc.  and I was "in my element" as the saying goes.  That is until I attempted to turn my job into a career.  I found myself facing unexpected obstacles; the crazy part about that was, the challenges didn't come from strangers.  So rather than challenging this situation, I chose to move in a different direction.  I don't recall a lot about 2003- 2009 that I would like to share with the Blog that I haven't already; However, I will say, those were quite adventurous, emotional and trying years.  

2009- 2011 were rough for my relationships as I found myself beginning a journey I knew nothing about.  I found myself with a job that I could see transitioning into a career I'd be "happy" with.  To be honest, I was in love with my job; more so than socializing.  I worked and whatever else I chose to do with my time and suddenly I found myself unhappy.  After reflecting on the emptiness of "pouring" myself into other people's dreams, hopes, happiness, etc. yet my dreams were "on hold", I understood something(s) needed to change.  I was no longer in love with work nor my personal life; so I slept, or should I say dreamt?  I spent my private time in my dreams, visioning the life I desired to live.  While existing, I'd pray; I'd ask God to lift the burden of unhappiness.   Shortly after, I don't recall what I was watching on television, but I heard Rev Run say "go where you are celebrated; not where you are tolerated." it was in that moment that something clicked in my Mind as well as in my Heart; yet it took a little while for me to fully understand what that meant, for me.  

So here we are in 2015 and I am finally putting those words into action.  I've decided I can no longer adjust myself in order to prevent someone from exiting my life.  I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for Others in a way in which I do not feel it being returned.  I feel as if I am alone, actually lonely.  A feeling I've honestly never felt before in my life, until now.  I feel betrayed and abandoned, but I've kept that to myself up until recently; only disclosing that information to my therapist.  In recent weeks, perhaps months I found myself transitioning from introvert to hermit and knew I needed to make some adjustments once again.  Trouble is, I don't mind so much; being a hermit that is.  I find not depending on anyone else has made me stronger yet also exposes various weaknesses.  I am unsure if this is actually the case or a delusion my mind has convinced me of.  I am on the verge of an Anxiety Attack, and I feel it may be rather intense so I've been pushing it down for as long as I can.  I don't want to experience it, especially by myself.  So I've been distancing myself from people I feel are "wrong" for this aspect of my journey.  I feel as if the unsupportive, uncaring and self-serving people I was once surrounded by are no longer a part of my life.  I feel as if at this stage of my disorder I have reconnected with a part of myself that I've long forgotten, a part that (possibly) would've protected me from suffering from the initial Anxiety Attack and prevented the conditions I face today.  Although, I am quite sure this was unpreventable; as the Doctor's have stated various times, some people are prone to various conditions, disorders and issues.  But I like to think that had I been more focused on self-preservation I would've detected the danger before walking blindly into it.

As I attempt to make better decisions and dig myself out of the space I feel myself in, I am looking forward to those "right" things which are expected to happen.  I am working on a couple books as well as another website, I am in no rush to complete them as I feel the directions are developing and I want to make sure that I am truly happy with the finished products.  I think maybe this is why this happened to me.  I hate feeling like a "victim" however I won't go into detail about what caused me to develop these disorders and conditions, but I will say that it was beyond my control which makes the suffering far worse than if this had been something that I've dealt with my entire life.  So I am extremely selective with the people and places I chose to spend my time with.  Making sure to remain as much in control as possible however finding a balance in the unknown.  I am scared; but I see a future that perhaps I was destined to live.  I feel as if I should advocate for Mental Health issues, especially in the Black community.  I don't even know where to begin other than sharing my experiences, but I suppose that's where the book comes in (details to come).  I feel as if we need to get past the prescription of "faith" and "prayer" in order to overcome serious chemical imbalances which are expressed differently depending on the condition and chemical make-up on the person effected as well as the various medications prescribed which may make matters worse.  I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know a flawed system when I see one.

As someone who battles mental illness I feel as if it is much deeper than a prayer for healing, as we all know "faith without works is dead." therefore along with having the faith to endure the excruciating effects of mental illness it is also imperative to take necessary action to manage your well-being, whether with medication, natural remedies, along with a healthy spiritual life that assists with making the days better; which is different for each of us dealing with our own specific disorders and methods of "healing".  I believe I can make some sort of difference, even if it's just showing someone that they are not alone in how they feel or what they may be experiencing.  My goal through the book is to possibly prevent what has happened to me from happening to someone else, even if it's just one person.  I feel a renewed sense of focus now that the medications are leaving my body, although I can tell the effects on my brain, I am determined to protect myself on a level I had not considered before, knowing that I must shield myself from various elements, circumstances as well as people as they are not conducive to my well-being.  Perhaps I've outgrown them or the level of need and care for myself has developed in a way I had not imagined before.  Nevertheless, I feel as if I have to take control of my Self (mind, body and soul) as d'evils are attempting to damage my Being the same way it has damaged my brain; one thing I can not allow to happen and one thing I am devoted to fixing.  I suppose time will tell and until then I will do everything within my power to do what's in my best interests from now on.  I suppose I've had a moment of clarity.

Tears Won't Fall

I don't cry (often); I've mentioned that before in previous posts, however for the past week I've been trying to cry.  My eyes are watery and a tear or two has escaped, but not the out pour that I need to occur.  After more research or should I say, investigation, I can now prove that this unwanted weight is a direct side effect from the medication I was prescribed.  Of course there will be no apology, and to be honest what good would it do anyway.  I spent the beginning months of this year ruling out pregnancy which of course triggered emotions I wasn't expecting, but once that was finally ruled out I attempted to change eating habits as well as fitness routines all to no avail.  Now here we are half way through the year and the truth is discovered.  I was right, so why do I feel so hopeless and depressed?

I've had several "lectures" ranging from someone really close to me to people overstepping their boundaries to tell me to "push back from the table" as if I ate my way into this state of Being.  Which of course triggered some emotional eating, as I've mentioned before on the Blog I battle that from time to time.  Rather than explaining myself to people who've already passed judgement upon me and what they think I'm going through, I've chosen to distance myself.  The part that truly pissed me off more than anything was: as the symptoms continue to reveal themselves I've let all of my Doctor's know every step of the way and what did they do? One Doctor simply increased the dosage of the medication which caused the issues in the first place and the second Doctor recently prescribed another Anxiety medication which upon research has all of the same exact side effects of the previous prescription...

To say I am fed up with the way Mental Health is treated would be an understatement! I will not disclose all of the conditions/ issues I battle however if left in the hands of my Doctor's I would be on medication for Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Nausea as well as Migraines; going from two medications to nearly 5 or more; a lifestyle I refuse to enter.  For years I watched someone very close to me battle with various conditions which required medication and from one thing to another I witnessed the increase in prescriptions from the major issue to controlling the side effects of each pill.  Going into this I informed my Doctor that I refuse to live my life that way, especially if this condition is something I will battle for the rest of my life.  Since that conversation Doctor's have changed, but my sentiments have remained the same.  After my last hospitalization, due to circumstances out of my control I agreed to give the meds another try and this was the result I was hoping to avoid.  

I spent the past few days battling insomnia, sleepless nights which turn to morning, however last night was the worst.  Filled with vomiting and various pains, it took everything in me not to call the paramedic or go to the hospital; I am afraid of what that may trigger.  Adding more stress to an already stressful, unhappy and challenging situation.  In May 2015 I decided I would discontinue my meds and begin detoxing, so I chalked it up to the possibility of the remains of the medications leaving my body and I'd just suffer through it unless it continued.  I feel slightly better, knowing that what I suspected, not quite from the beginning, but once it was crystal clear that I was not with child and I was not simply over-endulging I feel a slight sigh of relief.  Trouble is, I don't know what to do from this point.  I don't know how to reverse the damage done to my body and I feel guilty for once again allowing various things within my control to effect me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I want to cry and stay in bed, but that solves nothing.  I intend to speak with my therapist as well as the psychiatrist which prescribed the last meds.  I feel as if I now have to research alternatives which will be more in the scope of my best interests.  Honestly, if I have to I'll choose "skinny and crazy" over "fat and stable" all day.  I know that may seem superficial, but when you battle Severe Depression, body image can be rather damaging and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin any longer.

For those of you who battle mental health, I am not suggesting that you go off your meds.  Your plan of treatment is between you and your health care provider(s).  Nevertheless, what works for me or what I am willing to do for my health and the way I see myself is solely my right as well as my decision.  So I will discuss a more natural approach to coping with my mental health conditions which for me includes medicinal marijuana which according to the Doctor's isn't good for treating such conditions although various (reputable) studies have proven otherwise.  I know I can not do this alone, especially choosing the route less encouraged by modern medicine, however I know what's best for me and my body; and since (according to Doctor's) I will have this condition for the remainder of my life I am determined to look and feel as best as I can while battling it.  

Overloaded

“We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss."

~ Paulo Coelho

Normally when I feel this way I do my best to "fall off the face of the Earth";  I often refer to it as "hibernating".  I rarely speak to anyone aside from important matters with the exception of a select few and I focus mainly on my Spirituality.  I find helpful articles or youtube videos which I believe enhance the journey I find myself on.   Providing insight or awareness to something I've thought or meditated about.  As I find myself in a space of uncertainty and unhappiness, I am unsure what to do to pull myself out of this rut (for lack of a better word).  Although I've always been an introvert and found that focusing on myself (mind, body and spirit) is the only way for growth, I am having a difficult time these days.  I joked recently on my twitter regarding the torment of a writer and how the mind of a non-fiction writer must be pure hell.  I am finding myself in that space;  although I have committed to my writing, I am having a difficult time with my thoughts.  In the past I'd allow them to flow freely and they usually land in an euphoric space of desire and wonderment.  However, as of late I find myself filled with stress and uncertainty, to the point where eczema has taken ahold of my left arm from my elbow to my fingertips.  I try not to dwell on the conditions I find as a result of the Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, but on some days it's a bit tougher than others.  Especially when I find myself being pressured into things I know in my heart I am not ready for.

Recently in several conversations I was advised that the only way to overcome is to actually go through the challenge, face the fears and embrace the Light in times of Darkness.  As I find myself in that exact space between fear and trusting GOD and the Universe to make a way for me; I often wonder how I will come out on the other side of these struggles.  I am confident that I will obtain my weight loss goals as I embrace the issues of body image, genetics and eating habits, I can imagine myself being the "size" and shape that I desire.  I believe the changes I am making (especially as we begin a new Month at the height of a Full Moon) will catapult my efforts, making way for results and progress to show.  I am looking forward to "the glow" of cleansing/ detoxing, I know it's coming, however I know I must also be patient; as I did not find myself in this state overnight, it is beyond unrealistic to expect to see results overnight.  I've taken photograph's of myself and I look forward to documenting my journey, although I have chosen to keep that aspect private. One thing I am truly looking forward to is beginning College (again).  I feel as if the growth and development I've undergone during my hiatus will be in my best interest, seeing how I am much more focused as well as determined to complete the goals I've set for myself.  Along with sense of accomplishment and pride; knowing that it is another step towards future goals as well as a vision manifesting.  I intend to disclose more about it when I feel the time is right, but for now I am excited.

I've decided to take a slight intermission from the World as I am getting my shit together and spending most of my energy focusing on my needs.  Along this journey of healing I find that self-care and self-love are essential to maintaining a clear understanding of where the disorders begin and end. I'm learning which thoughts and feelings are induced by medication and which are my own.  There's a specific type of clarity that comes with detaching from the meds and actually spending the time and energy to cope naturally; at least from my experience.  Then the thought of "coping" through life begins to sink in and send me to a space of depression. I won't go into that right now, maybe in another post, for now the concept is too large for me to fully comprehend.  Days like today I'd wish things were as they used to be, I find myself longing for a "home" that no longer exists as well as a life and social engagements that will never be the same (for me); especially as the "holiday"  approaches.  Since I have plans, I've decided to spend the day getting myself together (emotionally, mentally as well as physically) and leave these thoughts on the page and let them go.

Wishing you all a Happy & Safe Independence Day!

Habits

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perhaps towards the end of last year actually.  I've been fighting a feeling which has shown itself to be a bad habit for me.  I made the decision to detach and allow my feelings the opportunity to process and heal, unaware of the void it would create in my writing.   I am unsure how to patch the location of my heart which is now missing. In the past I would have written about it, now I feel as if I am allowing the memories to fade, as if the experience never occurred.  So writing about it, would only further my torment.  

During meditation this afternoon I had a thought, wondering how I know if I am following the right "journey". With decisions and circumstances I find my life a bit derailed from the picture I painted prior to the diagnoses and effects of the disorders.  Often times I am faced with some of my worst fears/ nightmares and as I pray and navigate through what I believe is the right way for me, I find myself deeper and deeper in an abyss.  At times I don't know which way to sanity while other times I am confronted by such harsh realities I find comfort in my tears and happiness in sleep.  I suppose as the journey continues I'll know in the end as I continue to course correct my journey which prayerfully leads to the dreams I have come to hold dear to my heart.