Habits

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perhaps towards the end of last year actually.  I've been fighting a feeling which has shown itself to be a bad habit for me.  I made the decision to detach and allow my feelings the opportunity to process and heal, unaware of the void it would create in my writing.   I am unsure how to patch the location of my heart which is now missing. In the past I would have written about it, now I feel as if I am allowing the memories to fade, as if the experience never occurred.  So writing about it, would only further my torment.  

During meditation this afternoon I had a thought, wondering how I know if I am following the right "journey". With decisions and circumstances I find my life a bit derailed from the picture I painted prior to the diagnoses and effects of the disorders.  Often times I am faced with some of my worst fears/ nightmares and as I pray and navigate through what I believe is the right way for me, I find myself deeper and deeper in an abyss.  At times I don't know which way to sanity while other times I am confronted by such harsh realities I find comfort in my tears and happiness in sleep.  I suppose as the journey continues I'll know in the end as I continue to course correct my journey which prayerfully leads to the dreams I have come to hold dear to my heart.

Afternoon Rambling

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so."

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing.  I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting.  I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now.  Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely,  I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow.  That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with.    I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was happening to me I thought I could just relocate and things would improve.  Then I thought about the other people who were effected by the same situation as I was and I felt the need to look past myself and speak up for all of "us".  Never did I imagine what that would actually entail.  I took to my social media this Morning and allowed my thoughts to thrive rather than censor them.  I mentioned if I had the opportunity to do things over and how I would have chosen differently.  Although that is true, I then wonder where my life would be today.

I realize I don't share my dreams with Others, not even on the Blog really.  I often have trouble deciding what I am willing to share and what should be kept to myself, which creates more Anxiety which triggers Depression along with the other issues.  I feel as if I am going to burst! We all know how I despise over-sharing, yet I can't keep everything bottled up inside.  That's the issue with mental health, at least that's what I am learning from my own experience.  I tend to over-think rather than over-share.  Second guessing my words which prolongs the post or delays the draft.  I figured out one of the things blocking me is the fact that I have yet to complete the Advance Directive I was supposed to put in place months ago.  It's just so permanent, and depressing; so I've avoided it up until now. I thought I knew how I'd handle this situation, but the other week I had an anxiety attack; it was a mild one and I was able to push through it.  I've had a couple more since then, I realized the amount of stress and uncertainty I've been under lately as I mentioned on my Twitter feed, I've considered going to a mental health facility, at least to gather more information about my options and "rights".  I've talked myself out of it for months now, praying things will improve as well as using the various techniques I've learned the past few years from therapy.  


Then I zone out, into my fantasy or I guess you can call it my dreams.  I'm wide awake, yet in my future; lucid dreaming.  I know it belongs to me because it's a reflection of my Heart; my desires manifested.  At times I am unsure if it's fact or fiction since it is so sensual; the smells and feelings of my dreams, or should I say "goals" standing in front of me.  Often I awake to experiences of déjà vu and it frightens me.  I am then comforted by thoughts of purpose and assignment (for lack of a better term), sometimes I feel as if I am now facing these disorders as a test of my faith.  As if I will be stronger once I face all of these challenges and able to actually have something to write about; then I won't care if it's too personal at that point because I would have overcome. I thought about the books I'd like to write, perhaps those unpublished expressions are awaiting their turn of a page in the book.  


As I strive to encourage myself as well as Others I am making an effort to step out of my comfort zone and allow my journey to (hopefully) help someone else as well as assist in my recovery.  Understanding, just like I didn't develop these conditions overnight; I shouldn't expect to be "cured" overnight either.  It is not my intention for the Blog to reflect this aspect of my life yet this is what I am currently dealing with.  The fact that my entire day is focused around my well being, specifically my sanity is overwhelming. I desire to write about randomness that comes to my Mind and perhaps I'll share more often.  At least that's my hope going forward.  

Until next time...

Good Mourning...

I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief.  I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay".  It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships.  I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge.  While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.  

The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know.  She knew what to say or what to do to make me better.  I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her.  So far that's comforting, but it's not the same.  Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the first time I've mentioned it.  

Prior to that I grieved my life; not literally, but the life I knew up until a particular point.  I lost everything I worked so hard to achieve, watched it move from space to space until finally I am somewhere that I can call "home"; although I still don't feel that way.  I don't feel at home anywhere.  I honestly don't want to be here anymore, this place, this city, whatever.  Do not be alarmed, this is not a cry for help.  Times like this I question my purpose, I question decisions I've made as well as indecision's which contributed to my current state of being.  As if in retrospect I could pinpoint the snag that unraveled my life (as I designed it).  I find myself fed up, angry and hurt.  As I mourn another "death" that was a long time coming.

I am growing to hate this disorder and all of it's co-conspirator's! With all of the techniques, enlightenment, positive thinking, etc.  I still find myself fighting a battle within that seems to gain strength daily.  Then I think of the comforting words spoken to me as a child, that's strange.  I've suppressed my childhood, aside from a few occasions, but mostly I remember lessons learned from shows and various relationships that are special to me (which aren't many).  Last year I found myself seeking a space to feel as if I belonged.  Shortly after I realized that space wasn't here.  I traveled to sub-space for a bit and felt more alone than before.  Without going into detail I realize being inland has slowly killed the girl I once knew.  The woman I saw in the mirror daily; and the longer I am here I find myself in disbelief.  

I can't believe only 50 miles away was happiness, acceptance and love.  Here is just blah!

I took a trip recently, down memory lane with someone who was a great influence in my childhood and young adult years.  He recommended that I go within and clear up the wounds of my childhood which makes it difficult to navigate in the current space that I am in.  The thing is I am surrounded by "trigger's" here. I didn't even realize it until now, which makes sense seeing how I've been battling my illnesses as well as various/ recent emotional trauma and dare I say, betrayal since I got here.  Now I just want to sleep, like I did yesterday, for the majority of the day without  many interruptions.  I may do the same today despite the lovely weekend I have planned, depression wants me to dwell on the pain.  That's one thing I don't do, I've chosen not to wallow in the bullshit that is these disorders.  I thought we were going to co-exist so to speak, like a "live and let live" type of arrangement, but I realize now, they are trying to kill me...  Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression are some heavy burden's to bare.  I find myself seeking knowledge and remedies to manage them and I find fluff or writings filled with mediocre gibberish which just makes me think the author suffers from self esteem and confidence issues.  Neither of those are my problems, however on the bright side, after a year and four month I have a therapist on the horizon.

I won't discuss that much, but I am happy that someone else will be able to help me sort through these feelings and such so that I can move on with my life.  Although I am in an unhappy place, I refuse to allow that to sink in.  My prayers, hopes, dreams and desires are worth the fight.  Just some days, especially this Morning are a bit harder than others.

Eventually I may write about how I feel, but I don't believe this is the appropriate outlet or time for it.  I've accepted the fact that I need to embrace the darkness within; the side I've been avoiding; because it's ugly and the scars it's left behind are disheartening, but I suppose that was the purpose.  I found myself faced with my worst nightmare and from the moment the initial anxiety attack occurred it's been one angry bird after another triggering the underlying issues hiding in the dark spaces.  I won't continue,  I feel as if I am feeding into it, then again avoiding it hasn't been working either.  I'll save this for therapy.  

In the meantime,  I'll continue to cope as I have been and hopefully I'll be able to post here and there when the words that find themselves on the page aren't too personal or should I say, private.

I'm going to sleep now (I think) and I pray when I awake (if God be willing) this mood, attitude and depression will be someplace away from me; even if it's just momentary.  The last time I was in mourning was in my teens; so this is -exhale- whatever.

Good Night.

Sprinkles of Sanity

The other day I chose not to take my medication.  I don't know how long or often that will be the case since I have been feeling extremely stressed; regarding various issues I am facing.  In addition to the accomplishments of November 2014; I believe I may have put a bit too much pressure on myself, yet in those moments I knew I was doing the "right" things.  Checking off various tasks on a to-do list as well as truly seeing strides taken toward a vision I've dreamed of was quite astonishing.  At least for me.  With that, I found myself in December 2014 in a state of unpreparedness, as everything was quite new, unfamiliar and moved at a more rapid pace than I have been accustomed to. Although I experience "deja vu" more often than I used to, I am still learning how to put the puzzle together appropriately.  My desire is to continue on the path, as well as enjoy the journey God has chosen for me.

This has been interesting the past few months as my Birthdate approached; I found myself more in-tuned with my Self yet a bit distant and distracted from Others.  I feel as if various connections have been severed or interrupted without my knowledge or consent (fully).  I find myself unable to discern my next steps which I don't recall experiencing in over a decade.  I had an encouraging conversation with a good friend as well as delightful exchanges with my Love Guru (#1) and (#2).  For the most part, I am still processing the wisdom shared, along with "downloading" the necessary understanding and knowledge from the Universe (GOD). I feel as if He has a plan paved out for me and I am finally in a sense walking in it.  Although religion teaches a quite rigid relationship with the Creator, I find my personal walk to be extremely cohesive as We are Co-Creating my destiny (thanks to free will).  I won't go too deep into my thoughts on that, but I am grateful for the mercy, grace, favor and understanding God shows to me (as well as those of you who acknowledge those things in your life).

While meditating I had an idea to "hibernate" for the duration of Mercury Retrograde, however, after giving it some thought I realized it's been quite some time since I've allowed my Body to truly relax and not stress. Honestly with Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression it seems to be an impossible thing to expect of myself.  Yet, I am determined to try.  I do not know how this hibernation will be structured, nor do I know how much of the Spiritual aspects I will chose to share.  Just know that I do intend to stay in touch through this outlet (The Blog) as well as social media.

The thought actually came to me a few days ago initially.  After a change in my medication, I felt as if lately my coping skills are vastly different from what they once were; especially since I've discovered I have a condition classified as HyperSensitivity. Since that's been an issue (until now I've chosen not to discuss, except with a few) I did not know how to bring it up.  Typically I am vague with my specific issues and conditions as I feel too exposed to manipulation based on my personality as well as how the disorders affect me.  Now at times I believe I should be more open and vulnerable, I've mentioned it in prior entries; then other times I believe I should keep some things to myself or in journals as well as the makings of a Book (or a few).  I guess in those instances, time will tell.

To be continued...

Honesty Hour

Unless you are new to the Blog you are aware I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Next month will be two years since the initial attack and that has a few things coming to the surface.  For starters, I don't know if it would be classified as a "secret" per say since I know I've mentioned it in various posts.  I was also diagnosed with Severe Depression, which I never rarely talk about.  I thought if I kept it to myself and "dealt with it quietly" it would go away since I wasn't giving it any attention or energy.  Well, I was wrong.  It's silently killing me; some days are less difficult if I'm only fighting Anxiety, but other days are brutal since both attack my Mind.  If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram and/or Facebook you know that I've gotten back into fitness; mostly walking, running, some hiking and yoga.  I've incorporated some reliable herbs into my diet to assist with hormonal balancing and I've stepped up my prayer and meditation life (I'll share more soon), yet I'm still depressed.  The part that confuses me is, I'm also happy.  How is that even possible?  There are circumstances beyond my control which stimulate or "trigger" the depression as well as the constant presence of anxiety.  However, the aspects of my life which are very much my responsibility, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss. 

 

Last week was pure shit, by Tuesday I'd typed a post on my Facebook and after reading it several times (if you weren't aware, I'm also very OCD) my mood continued to worsen.  I then realized in that single post I'd typed the word "hate" three times; here's a "fun fact" typically if I say something once, I mean it, since I've already thought and over-thought about it a bunch in my Head.  If I say it twice I really mean it and if I say it more than that it's absolutely how I feel and most likely won't change. So I deleted the post and turned my attention to something more productive.  The rest of the week escapes me as I had way too many thoughts, feelings, emotions and tears creating what felt like a Storm within my Mind and Body.  I realized then that I desperately needed to write, but knew that I couldn't based on what I might have said.  Soon after I realized I haven't been to therapy since (approximately) October 2013, and desperately needed to confide in someone as candidly as possible. So I posed a question on Twitter and to my surprise it was answered followed by an honest, helpful and enlightening conversation. Later I spoke with a friend which lead to another self discovery concerning the need to get these things off my chest since repressing my feelings became harmful to my overall well-being. I then thought if I was being selfish or self-centered in not wanting to share. I felt as if somehow this information could be used against me in some way or that it truly wouldn't matter as I feel at times I am drowning in apathy.  

By Friday evening I'd let it all go; happy to see the asshole of a week end I opted to spend my weekend in what I refer to as "Introvert Heaven" filled with thought-provoking conversation, reading, fitness, a select few interactions with friends and family, I brushed up on a little French and allowed the feelings to flow though my thoughts with the understanding that they would "play nicely".  Sunday I'd reached a Blissful state which even lasted for much of the Morning until I had to revisit some business which begun last week as well as a few disappointments.  Next thing I know I'm back to a space I felt last week where I was on the verge of an Anxiety Attack; when it happened last week I was alone and in public which is one of my worst fears, especially given the immense tension in the air surrounding current events as well as the stigma associated with Mental Health Disorders or Mental Illness. Well this time I was driving, in that moment I realized I was done for the day and needed to return to the house and regroup.  I began my normal routine in addition to reading through a few of my old post(s) as they came to mind.  Once I began to feel better I decided I had no choice but to share and deal with whatever follows. 

The space of uncertainty and confusion are taking their toll; however I decided early on as the Doctor's were explaining how serious these "issues" are and how I'll have them for the rest of my life, I'd have to fight it with every inch of my Being.  It gets tough, some days tougher than others partly due to my introverted ways as well as other factors I'd rather not share.  Despite all of that I am still encouraged as I know that God is with me and various others who engage in conversation or post quotes, scriptures or music which helps lift my spirits.  My favorite have become the ones who provoke thought or share knowledge as learning has always been a great past time for me; it takes my thoughts away from the past, present and future and allows me to concentrate on one specific area to focus my time and attention.  For me, this helps tremendously since that's usually what's on my Mind; the past, present and future simultaneously.  I find it interesting how people put Anxiety and Depression into a box as if to say "if you're anxious stop worrying about the future and if you're depressed stop thinking about the past", I'm paraphrasing.  That's not my experience, I may share that some other time, but I just get so annoyed when people attempt to make blanket statements or express their biased opinions as if they are universal fact(s). 

Honestly, I feel better for expressing a huge part of what has been weighing me down.  I feel as if I can now move forward into whatever is to come without the nagging thought of keeping that to myself.  Hopefully the other drafts will begin to flow as I have so much more I'd like to share regarding more positive and uplifting matters.  I am truly grateful for this space more than ever since I find myself (temporarily) without therapy.  I appreciate every one of your texts, emails, as well as the tweets, likes, and words of encouragement on various social media sites.  Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope in some way sharing my struggles helps you or someone you know in any way.   

Thanks again for entertaining my thoughts; until next time... Love.