The World Outside My Window

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perha...

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so." Marcus Tullius Cicero Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing.  I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting.  I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now.  Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely,  I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow.  That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with.     I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was hap...

I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief.  I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay".  It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships.  I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge.  While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.   The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know.  She knew what to say or what to do to make me better.  I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her.  So far that's comforting, but it's not the same.  Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the...

The other day I chose not to take my medication.  I don't know how long or often that will be the case since I have been feeling extremely stressed; regarding various issues I am facing.  In addition to the accomplishments of November 2014; I believe I may have put a bit too much pressure on myself, yet in those moments I knew I was doing the "right" things.  Checking off various tasks on a to-do list as well as truly seeing strides taken toward a vision I've dreamed of was quite astonishing.  At least for me.  With that, I found myself in December 2014 in a state of unpreparedness, as everything was quite new, unfamiliar and moved at a more rapid pace than I have been accustomed to. Although I experience "deja vu" more often than I used to, I am still learning how to put the puzzle together appropriately.  My desire is to continue on the path, as well as enjoy the journey God has chosen for me. This has been interesting the past few months as my Birthda...

Unless you are new to the Blog you are aware I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder . Next month will be two years since the initial attack and that has a few things coming to the surface.  For starters, I don't know if it would be classified as a "secret" per say since I know I've mentioned it in various posts.  I was also diagnosed with Severe Depression , which I never rarely talk about.  I thought if I kept it to myself and "dealt with it quietly" it would go away since I wasn't giving it any attention or energy.  Well, I was wrong.  It's silently killing me; some days are less difficult if I'm only fighting Anxiety , but other days are brutal since both attack my Mind.  If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram and/or Facebook you know that I've gotten back into fitness; mostly walking, running, some hiking and yoga.  I've incorporated some reliable herbs into my diet to assist with hormonal balancing and I've steppe...