I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief. I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay". It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships. I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge. While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.
The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know. She knew what to say or what to do to make me better. I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her. So far that's comforting, but it's not the same. Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the first time I've mentioned it.
Prior to that I grieved my life; not literally, but the life I knew up until a particular point. I lost everything I worked so hard to achieve, watched it move from space to space until finally I am somewhere that I can call "home"; although I still don't feel that way. I don't feel at home anywhere. I honestly don't want to be here anymore, this place, this city, whatever. Do not be alarmed, this is not a cry for help. Times like this I question my purpose, I question decisions I've made as well as indecision's which contributed to my current state of being. As if in retrospect I could pinpoint the snag that unraveled my life (as I designed it). I find myself fed up, angry and hurt. As I mourn another "death" that was a long time coming.
I am growing to hate this disorder and all of it's co-conspirator's! With all of the techniques, enlightenment, positive thinking, etc. I still find myself fighting a battle within that seems to gain strength daily. Then I think of the comforting words spoken to me as a child, that's strange. I've suppressed my childhood, aside from a few occasions, but mostly I remember lessons learned from shows and various relationships that are special to me (which aren't many). Last year I found myself seeking a space to feel as if I belonged. Shortly after I realized that space wasn't here. I traveled to sub-space for a bit and felt more alone than before. Without going into detail I realize being inland has slowly killed the girl I once knew. The woman I saw in the mirror daily; and the longer I am here I find myself in disbelief.
I can't believe only 50 miles away was happiness, acceptance and love. Here is just blah!
I took a trip recently, down memory lane with someone who was a great influence in my childhood and young adult years. He recommended that I go within and clear up the wounds of my childhood which makes it difficult to navigate in the current space that I am in. The thing is I am surrounded by "trigger's" here. I didn't even realize it until now, which makes sense seeing how I've been battling my illnesses as well as various/ recent emotional trauma and dare I say, betrayal since I got here. Now I just want to sleep, like I did yesterday, for the majority of the day without many interruptions. I may do the same today despite the lovely weekend I have planned, depression wants me to dwell on the pain. That's one thing I don't do, I've chosen not to wallow in the bullshit that is these disorders. I thought we were going to co-exist so to speak, like a "live and let live" type of arrangement, but I realize now, they are trying to kill me... Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression are some heavy burden's to bare. I find myself seeking knowledge and remedies to manage them and I find fluff or writings filled with mediocre gibberish which just makes me think the author suffers from self esteem and confidence issues. Neither of those are my problems, however on the bright side, after a year and four month I have a therapist on the horizon.
I won't discuss that much, but I am happy that someone else will be able to help me sort through these feelings and such so that I can move on with my life. Although I am in an unhappy place, I refuse to allow that to sink in. My prayers, hopes, dreams and desires are worth the fight. Just some days, especially this Morning are a bit harder than others.
Eventually I may write about how I feel, but I don't believe this is the appropriate outlet or time for it. I've accepted the fact that I need to embrace the darkness within; the side I've been avoiding; because it's ugly and the scars it's left behind are disheartening, but I suppose that was the purpose. I found myself faced with my worst nightmare and from the moment the initial anxiety attack occurred it's been one angry bird after another triggering the underlying issues hiding in the dark spaces. I won't continue, I feel as if I am feeding into it, then again avoiding it hasn't been working either. I'll save this for therapy.
In the meantime, I'll continue to cope as I have been and hopefully I'll be able to post here and there when the words that find themselves on the page aren't too personal or should I say, private.
I'm going to sleep now (I think) and I pray when I awake (if God be willing) this mood, attitude and depression will be someplace away from me; even if it's just momentary. The last time I was in mourning was in my teens; so this is -exhale- whatever.
Good Night.
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