Scars

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." 

- Rumi*

At the end of Summer 2012 I underwent surgery;  at the time I believed it was in my best interest.  Yet about 3 months later clouds of vanity interrupted the practical reality of the pain and suffering (physically as well as financially) caused by the issue in the first place.  I believe I have finally reached a space in my Being where I understand how that could be classified as a "flaw".  Nevertheless, my humanity is unhappy with the scars and pain that I deal with years later.  As a woman of a certain age, my Body has begun different changes that I have yet to grow accustomed to; along with my other issues, things have gotten a bit overwhelming.  Some days I remember my youth with fondness, however as I am typing these words which are coming from an unfamiliar space, I realize, I am still young!  Acknowledging my battle with Severe Depression is tough for a (self-diagnosed) Narcissist, but somehow the two exist within.  Funny because it seems as if it would be an impossibility to think so highly of yourself yet doubt and/or second guess every word, thought and decision. I suppose that's where the Anxiety Disorder and OCD comes in.  

I find myself feeling open, wounded, hurt, at times sad; but hopeful and overall content.  I recall spurts of happiness during the day as I find various adventures to keep my Mind along with my Self simulated throughout the Day and into the Evening.  Lately, I've been a bit more of an extrovert which is a huge stretch for me.  I guess that's where the duality, or perhaps "yin/ yang" balance comes into play.  Suddenly, I had the thought to check my Birth Chart (for the millionth time); this time was filled with clarity and a renewed understanding, as if I were reading the words with all of my Eyes completely open (Third Eye included). While reading each section I began to understand my Self (Mind, Body & Soul) on a new level, as if there was a paradigm shift and my Consciousness elevated in that very moment.  

I am still adjusting to my age change, luckily, or should I say thankfully I am not in a negative space regarding it.  I took a few years to prepare for it I suppose.  I've actually been enjoying exciting "Birthday" shenanigans all month long.  I mentioned in a previous entry how I'd been praying for multiple years for something by a particular "age" and after facing the possibility of the truth of how God is truly a "prayer answering God", I am in awe to have the capacity of thought to pull many of the pieces together to support decisions as well as prayers I've made.  It brings to mind the "Law of Attraction" as well as other Spiritual and Universal Laws. Confirming the philosophy of "when you make a decision, the entire Universe conspires to bring it to pass" (I'm paraphrasing).  Simply meaning I believe I am in-tune with an awesome frequency which is allowing me to see as well as process things from a alternative perspective.  

Now I'm beginning to feel as if I've shared too much, or maybe I should've written this in a journal, etc. (there I go second guessing again).  I've decided to stop.   I don't want to spend days, weeks, months away any longer.  I desire to catalog my journey as I've discussed in many of the previous post; as well as the "headline" states.  Rather than spending countless moments re-writing and editing, I'd like to allow my fingers to dance with my heart.  The words on the page should be their reflection, at least that's the mindset I try to have when I write, especially writing to share with you all.  I feel connected, not concerned (completely) with the number of "readers", but more of establishing a relationship.  I feel as if through various channels for social media I've become a little more familiar, looking forward to engaging a bit more this year.  I truly wish to show my growth, not because I think I have matured overnight, but because I would like to reflect on my earlier writing and circumstances and see a true difference.  For example:  Without any forethought I realized I stopped watching television.  Last Fall I was totally anticipating the return of Scandal, as well as the premier of a few other shows;  I believe I've shared this before in a previous entry, nonetheless, I was not impressed with the beginning of the season and could barely stay awake for a few of the other shows I used to adore. Next thing I know, we're approaching Spring and I rarely watch anything other than a football game (Seattle SeaHawks!) or a few glances of a movie or something if I'm visiting and someone is watching something. Without a doubt there is definitely a difference in my focus as well as the amount of information that comes to mind on a regular basis.

I suppose although I am not fully satisfied with the outcome of a decision and the aftermath of it I am learning to heal the wounds rather than pouring salt in them.  Allowing the Light to penetrate the sadness as opposed to letting the depression get the best of me as I have done in the past.  Realizing that although my lower self is preoccupied with a superficial condition; the rest of me understands it was for the best and overall I must live with the outcome of those choices.  Of course it would be so much easier if "Back To The Future" were really possible.  Like, if I could do things over again, how many of my choices would remain the same? That simple question makes me think about multiple aspects of my life and the follow up is "are you settling?"...

Now that's a whole other story. lol...

*quote found on @Rumi_Quote's Twitter page