"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so."
Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing. I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting. I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now. Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely, I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow. That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with. I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was happening to me I thought I could just relocate and things would improve. Then I thought about the other people who were effected by the same situation as I was and I felt the need to look past myself and speak up for all of "us". Never did I imagine what that would actually entail. I took to my social media this Morning and allowed my thoughts to thrive rather than censor them. I mentioned if I had the opportunity to do things over and how I would have chosen differently. Although that is true, I then wonder where my life would be today.
I realize I don't share my dreams with Others, not even on the Blog really. I often have trouble deciding what I am willing to share and what should be kept to myself, which creates more Anxiety which triggers Depression along with the other issues. I feel as if I am going to burst! We all know how I despise over-sharing, yet I can't keep everything bottled up inside. That's the issue with mental health, at least that's what I am learning from my own experience. I tend to over-think rather than over-share. Second guessing my words which prolongs the post or delays the draft. I figured out one of the things blocking me is the fact that I have yet to complete the Advance Directive I was supposed to put in place months ago. It's just so permanent, and depressing; so I've avoided it up until now. I thought I knew how I'd handle this situation, but the other week I had an anxiety attack; it was a mild one and I was able to push through it. I've had a couple more since then, I realized the amount of stress and uncertainty I've been under lately as I mentioned on my Twitter feed, I've considered going to a mental health facility, at least to gather more information about my options and "rights". I've talked myself out of it for months now, praying things will improve as well as using the various techniques I've learned the past few years from therapy.
Then I zone out, into my fantasy or I guess you can call it my dreams. I'm wide awake, yet in my future; lucid dreaming. I know it belongs to me because it's a reflection of my Heart; my desires manifested. At times I am unsure if it's fact or fiction since it is so sensual; the smells and feelings of my dreams, or should I say "goals" standing in front of me. Often I awake to experiences of déjà vu and it frightens me. I am then comforted by thoughts of purpose and assignment (for lack of a better term), sometimes I feel as if I am now facing these disorders as a test of my faith. As if I will be stronger once I face all of these challenges and able to actually have something to write about; then I won't care if it's too personal at that point because I would have overcome. I thought about the books I'd like to write, perhaps those unpublished expressions are awaiting their turn of a page in the book.
As I strive to encourage myself as well as Others I am making an effort to step out of my comfort zone and allow my journey to (hopefully) help someone else as well as assist in my recovery. Understanding, just like I didn't develop these conditions overnight; I shouldn't expect to be "cured" overnight either. It is not my intention for the Blog to reflect this aspect of my life yet this is what I am currently dealing with. The fact that my entire day is focused around my well being, specifically my sanity is overwhelming. I desire to write about randomness that comes to my Mind and perhaps I'll share more often. At least that's my hope going forward.
Until next time...
I realize I don't share my dreams with Others, not even on the Blog really. I often have trouble deciding what I am willing to share and what should be kept to myself, which creates more Anxiety which triggers Depression along with the other issues. I feel as if I am going to burst! We all know how I despise over-sharing, yet I can't keep everything bottled up inside. That's the issue with mental health, at least that's what I am learning from my own experience. I tend to over-think rather than over-share. Second guessing my words which prolongs the post or delays the draft. I figured out one of the things blocking me is the fact that I have yet to complete the Advance Directive I was supposed to put in place months ago. It's just so permanent, and depressing; so I've avoided it up until now. I thought I knew how I'd handle this situation, but the other week I had an anxiety attack; it was a mild one and I was able to push through it. I've had a couple more since then, I realized the amount of stress and uncertainty I've been under lately as I mentioned on my Twitter feed, I've considered going to a mental health facility, at least to gather more information about my options and "rights". I've talked myself out of it for months now, praying things will improve as well as using the various techniques I've learned the past few years from therapy.
Then I zone out, into my fantasy or I guess you can call it my dreams. I'm wide awake, yet in my future; lucid dreaming. I know it belongs to me because it's a reflection of my Heart; my desires manifested. At times I am unsure if it's fact or fiction since it is so sensual; the smells and feelings of my dreams, or should I say "goals" standing in front of me. Often I awake to experiences of déjà vu and it frightens me. I am then comforted by thoughts of purpose and assignment (for lack of a better term), sometimes I feel as if I am now facing these disorders as a test of my faith. As if I will be stronger once I face all of these challenges and able to actually have something to write about; then I won't care if it's too personal at that point because I would have overcome. I thought about the books I'd like to write, perhaps those unpublished expressions are awaiting their turn of a page in the book.
As I strive to encourage myself as well as Others I am making an effort to step out of my comfort zone and allow my journey to (hopefully) help someone else as well as assist in my recovery. Understanding, just like I didn't develop these conditions overnight; I shouldn't expect to be "cured" overnight either. It is not my intention for the Blog to reflect this aspect of my life yet this is what I am currently dealing with. The fact that my entire day is focused around my well being, specifically my sanity is overwhelming. I desire to write about randomness that comes to my Mind and perhaps I'll share more often. At least that's my hope going forward.
Until next time...
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