Saturday, November 05, 2005

Initially I didn't understand why I was so emotional the past few days, until at some point I realized the date.

November 4th, I was rushing, I woke up late and it completely derailed my entire day. I'd planned to get gas before work, but since I was 30 minutes late I said "I'll do it later". Somehow that didn't happen either, the day turns to evening and I forget all about it. I remember I stopped at a party, had a drink (or two) then went to see the guy I was dating and he went with me to get some piercing (I don't recall which one). I expected to stay at his place and leave the next morning, as I planned it out I factored that I'd have to get gas by then for sure. Well it's about 2:30 am at this point and he wasn't with my plan, as he tried to repair the damage done by his initial reaction it was too late. I left, wishing, hoping, praying I make it home safely since getting gas now is out of the question. I'm so close to home, I think I'm going to make it. Nope! Car shuts down, barely making it to the shoulder of the freeway. I turn to my passenger seat to get my AAA card from my purse and the next thing I know I wake up in the hospital. No clue what happened and now the police officer is looking at me funny, as I replay the events prior to this I think "oh shit, I must've hit someone". Not exactly, a drunk driver hit me, they used the "jaws of life" to get me out of my car and while I was unconscious someone stole my diamond earrings out of my ears. Needless to say, that's a lot to take in, so as the officer is looking at me in amazement I notice my shoes, purse and cell are missing. He's talking about the miracle I'd just experienced and I interrupt to ask him about my shoes and purse.

I remember recovering, I was an absolute mess! Trying to be tough as if I didn't almost die, when people asked me how I was my reply was something about "just a few scratches and I hurt my ankle". When in reality I was broken, depressed, sad and angry. In my mind my life was perfect, then this happens. I remember days when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning because of the pain in my back, [edited], I began asking for help, for probably the first time in my life. [edited] As we finalize our plans I find out I'm pregnant (see "Honesty Hour") then I make the decision not to continue the pregnancy. I've carried the hurt, guilt and heartache of this up until this year. All I wanted to do was drink, then I began to question God, "why didn't you just let me die in that accident?" I was so angry, I felt like my entire life changed in the matter of seconds and I didn't approve. I knew everything, and listened to no one which was how I found myself in that mess. I didn't even take a second to say "thank you for sparing my life", talk about the definition of ungrateful. I wasn't thankful, because I no longer appreciated life.

The fact that I would have a 7 year old right now is absolutely crazy to me in this moment. As I found the space to forgive myself for my actions and poor choices I was also able to repent and truly apologize to God for my foolishness. To know that The Creator of the Universe is loving and forgiving, I know now more than ever how important it is to stay on the path. To allow God to guide and to seek wisdom and understanding is a gift like no other.

The scripture comes to mind:

"Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding". (Proverbs 4:7 NKJV)

As we approach the holiday season and many use November as an expression of Thanks, I am forever reminded of a rather life changing moment in my life that could've gone a few different ways. I am thankful for the prayers of those who kept my name before The Lord, I never take for granted the people who intercede on my behalf. I could really go on about my near death experiences, the ones by fate as well as the ones I contemplated and was extremely close to committing to.

A few people often comment on how I "do too much" or "go overboard", I guess it's because I'm finally in a space where I fully understand that I shouldn't be there, tomorrow is definitely not promised, so I intend to express my true feelings, show love, speak my piece and live my life to the fullest. Why? Because I now appreciate each breath, my health, my "right" mind, the awareness of The Most High and my light in the world.

I am thankful.