The World Outside My Window

is it True? is it Helpful? is it Inspiring? is it Necessary? is it Kind? Do you truly "T.H.I.N.K" before you speak? Typically I do, however the way I think has changed over time. Before my only care was if I found it "true" and "necessary", you know the "let me tell you about yourself" approach, funny thing about that is: not everyone cares if its actually true, as in "a fact". Most seem to simply operate out of their truth, which is subjective based on the number of facts they believe they have. Not researching further into a situation prior to speaking what they may know nothing or very little about. I was such a bitch, however it was because I said the things to someone's face that others gossip about behind their backs. I didn't care about friends, being liked or anyone's feelings, I figured "someone had to tell'em". Then I asked myself, "why do you HAVE to be that someone"? So I stopped. ...

Summer has official gone, as the weather begins to change I am reminded of my thoughts towards it all.  Fall has always been my least favorite season, it's so sweet yet so cold.  I will admit, Summer this year was full of surprises and truths I suppose I did not want to face.  Without going into a play by play; I will say, I am truly grateful for the awareness and lesson learned.  What I will say however, is to make sure to trust your gut, intuition, whatever you call it.  When something doesn't quite feel right, often times it's because you are being forewarned that "this may be a mistake" .  At least that's my take on the matter. So for days perhaps weeks I have been in "My Bubble", it's where I zone out the world and focus on my thoughts and feelings.  I've managed to escape a time or two, but once I return it's as if I'd never left.  There's this crisp coldness that feels all too familiar; it's cold yet you wouldn...

After writing I have this "habit" of proof reading several times before hitting "publish" some posts I have to "sleep" on to make sure it's coming from the proper tone & space. For this I attribute (no longer placing "blame" or pointing fingers) the lovely OCD and those often amusing Perfectionist tendencies.  Last night, rather this Morning was one of those times. After reading it with various perspectives in mind, i decided to publish and share. I felt as if the tone was appropriate and those words wanted to get out; along with a few other posts i am organizing in my thoughts. I had a little trouble sleeping as i could not get my Mind to "shut down", finally the many techniques work and I'm off to my Dreams. I awoke to compliments, new "followers" and an offer to join a blogging network.  I am humbled, thankful and grateful to God for the gift He has entrusted in me. I'm still in awe of the relationship I...

It seems to happen randomly; I'll have a thought and while I am still processing it, my mind is flooded with several others.  Each more challenging then the first.  This mainly happens while I am attempting to do several other things; I typically like to multi-task.  It keeps Boredom away; I can't recall the last time I felt "Bored".  I find it interesting when people say that to me, "I'm bored" or they'll seem shocked or surprised when I tell them I rarely feel that way; and the moment I do, I treat it the same as "Insomnia"; I'll ask my Self  "what do you want to learn?", this is typically followed my a few thoughts, recommendations or ideas and I "choose one".  Problem solved...   I have been wanting to write for quite some time, yet the words were so scrambled it begain aggravating my Migraine so I'd have to push it to the side.  Recently, I began to jot down the Thoughts that come or Ideas; in the past ...

I'd convinced myself that I was not depressed,  I rationalized the fact that the way I behaved and felt was vastly different from the actions and words I expressed when I was obviously feeling that way.  So I shrugged it off and told myself that my psychiatrist was missing something as we exchanged words regarding my current medication which no longer worked and the replacement he'd suggested.  I make a point to research medications before taking them, I also make sure to discuss my other medications and herbs that I take to ensure it will not interfere with anything.   Finally I realized I've been putting off washing my hair for 2 weeks now, which means I havent washed my hair in 3 weeks, I am disgusted as I admit these words.  I know that something is wrong, so I began to be completely honest with myself and I prayed and in that moment I accepted the truth, which is I need to pick up my prescription, I was somewh...

If you've ever dealt with a situation or circumstance mostly out of your control it is inevitable that you will experience some level of frustration, stress and/or annoyance.  You will encounter "representatives" who are either incompetent, inefficient or both. All of which I have a very low patience for ( insert heavy sigh here ). Especially when people act as if they are doing you a favor by half ass doing their job, it amazes me how often I've come across this experience since the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack in September 2012. I've encountered the most unprofessional company I think I've ever experienced in my life, the unhelpful gentleman did not acknowledge my request to speak with a supervisor however continued to repeat information that I already advised him of when I initially requested to speak with higher management.  As he was made aware, although I appreciate his efforts, I need to speak with someone with the authority...

I've always been fascinated by the moon, especially a "full moon".   I'm not exactly sure how the energy seems different, but there's a unique feeling in the air as the phases of the moon change.  I remember when I first realized it and began reading various theories about it, the most commonly known information is that the Moon is considered feminine energy where the Sun is considered masculine.  Perhaps, that's why I find it interesting, because of the vibe associated with feminine energy is much calmer than that of it's counterpart.  As I reflect on the day and random thoughts I feel a very peaceful energy surrounding me.    I attended a youth service today and the message was right in alignment with various conversations I've had recently.  In the past I would of thought of that as eerie or strange, however as my awareness of the Universe and my relationship with the Creator of the Universe continues to develop I understand how it all plays a ...

  In a perfect world we'd have no sad days or whatever the feeling was that managed to creep in Thursday evening. Throughout the day I attempted to make progress regarding a particular situation.  Over the past year I've made so many changes within myself, at times it's hard to believe my thoughts, feelings and desires are vastly different from what they've been the majority of my life.  So, on days like  the one  I experienced I don't quite know what I am supposed to feel.  Better yet, how I am supposed to express those feelings.    I was annoyed, frustrated, angry at times and battling depression as it seemed things were highly unlikely to change any time soon. Since the initial issue with "The Angry Birds" , the onset of anxiety disorder  followed by a required leave of absence from "The Land of the Lost", I have made every effort to refocus my thoughts to a bigger, brighter future. ...

Sometimes I laugh at myself for the amount of thoughts that seem to flood my mind at any given time.  I set a goal to write daily, however that hasn't exactly happened.  I've had a million thoughts and several drafts, however the words aren't flowing as they usually have.  I've made a point not to force my posts, mainly because the blog is basically an outlet so I am not over-analyzing my life as I have been known to do.  The process has been that I'd have a thought and begin to type and allow the thought(s) to come out however they are with very little revision.    I will admit, I've had some pretty emotional days lately and I haven't completely figured out how much I am willing/going to share publicly.  This shouldn't be a huge surprise as I've stated in various posts how some thoughts are written, yet kept in my private journal while others are saved for therapy.  I know we all have various challenges and are on our own unique journey, w...

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned. As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost" ; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid...

For the past couple of days I've felt this space of resentment and anger trying to express itself, I've been trying to "be nice", but that's a whole other blog.  As various conversations and events occurred I had to take deep breaths, find the " right " music, count to 10, take the necessary medication and a million other techniques my Therapists and I agreed upon.  Trouble is, at some point I felt  overwhelmed.  I wanted to vent to and about various things and people however I knew that wasn't a wise decision.  So I began a post titled "My Complaint Hierarchy", yet my thoughts weren't forming as I would have liked so I left it in the draft.    Not long after I spent some time with a very important person in my life and to say I was at my "wits end" would be an understatement.  I couldn't figure out if they were purposely trying to push my buttons or if it were just a happenstance, nonetheless, the tears began to fa...

I used to beat myself so hard because I had things "undone", I guess it's a combo of OCD and some other things which creates this sense of urgency.  However over time I've learned to understand that everything happens in it's "due season".  True, it could, and you may even feel as if it should happen NOW, but what if it isn't the Primetime which most likely means there isn't enough preparation, understanding, skills, maturity, etc. to achieve the level of success or convey the right message.  I guess it's like when you crave a certain fruit, you may rush out to get it just for it to be sour or not as delightful as you had fantasized.    The same could be said with words, you know the moment it/they leave your mouth and the voice in your head says "I shouldn't have said that"?  So I'm learning the same is true with opportunity, relationships and some plans.  Often times, I try not to get upset when plans don't pan ou...

"Search other for their virtues, thyself for thy vices".  Benjamin Franklin So earlier this week I challenged myself to change my drink, from needing some type of mixture to going straight over ice with lime.  Well, here's the funny thing: somehow over the past few days that drink has morphed into water over ice with lime.  I'm not saying I'll never drink vodka again; I just know somethings changing. "There is no vice so simple but assumes some mark of virtue on his outward parts". Shakespeare   vices & virtue quotes

She's trying to surface and derail my efforts, I don't know her name, but she loves greasy fried chicken and cupcakes with tons of icing.  For a few years I allowed her to run wild and I was MISERABLE! So now she's in check, however the week of Christmas we chose our battles. Bacon Cheeseburger, Chili Cheese Fries (only a couple), A cupcake with easy icing, and the greasiest fried chicken combo on Earth.  The trouble is, that bitch hates the gym, so for the week of eating this delicious heart attack/ comfort foods I failed to work out.   I also realized, some of the cravings are associated with particular emotions,  You guessed it, I'm an emotional eater; however it's typically when my feelings are low rather than happy or excited.  The past couple of days I allowed a couple treats, one in honor of "My Ace's" birthday and the other after leaving one of many doctor appointments this past week.  I learned that the eczema is now in my scalp *sigh* fo...

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8a "God is Love" 1 John 4:8  "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."  1 John 4:16b     With various thoughts over the past week, I see now more than ever how "we" may pray for certain things to occur and when they actually happen "we" run away or do something/anything to sabotage the desired outcome.  I'm not quite sure how many times I've done this myself.  I guess it's the fear, but of what?  What exactly is it that holds us back?     As I headed to the gym at approximately 11 pm I felt afraid, like, something would happen.  Perhaps because I'd be there alone, but in this moment I could have chosen to turn back to the comfort of home or face the fear, the thoughts of my bikini body and the lovely clothes I plan to purchase (soon).  I chose the gym and I felt amazing afterwards!  Then I think back on how unhappy I was and the fact...

The past few days I've been having issue with a certain path, as I've expressed in "I'm on His Side" I feel as if part of me should take some time and invest the "necessary" effort into this person and see what happens.  However on the other hand, words of @ihustlenation come to mind stating, "If you're not married, you're single".   Simple enough, right? Well here's the thing, "My Favorite" failed to secure an exclusive understanding with me prior to him leaving.  I feel as if this thought concerning him has come up one time too many, I mean, if a person is scared, not ready, or whatever hang-up they decide to allow to stand in the way; how much time is reasonable to move on?   It's funny, I basically talk about the same 4 people throughout the years, but since their names aren't attached it may appear as if each story is about a new person.  That used to drive my ex crazy, nonetheless, I've known the ma...

I often have thoughts, beliefs, opinions or whatever you'd like to categorize them as that will ruffle feathers. For some reason and I'm not completely sure why, I choose to keep them to myself. I guess it's out of fear that I'd hurt someone's feelings or that it's just me and my "unattainable" set of standards as others have said.  Or perhaps because when I speak my piece to some I am often called an "asshole" or informed that I am being "mean".  Yet, when I'm encouraging or giving words which co-signs their thoughts and opinions then everything is fine lol. True, my standards are high, for myself and for those in my circle. I'm not sure if that's wrong or not. I understand "live and let live", but what if the living is below their potential? Do you say nothing and allow them to continue in the mundane? I don't know about you, but I want to be great . I want to live abundantly with everything that God...

Between the three (3) cleanses I've done this year, adopting the practice of meditation and repairing my prayer life I've discovered a renewed relationship with God.  The interesting thing about it is, that wasn't my plan.  Over the years I've built a wall around my heart in an effort to keep everyone out, over time it even included God.   I recall 1999, I found myself pregnant by a "man" who (I thought) I knew, we were together for about two years prior to this (see, "The Rebound Guy" ).  We dated, he met my father, we did everything a couple would do although there was no true commitment to one another.  I remember the mishap as if it were yesterday, the condom comes off and immediately I knew this would create a problem.  Sure enough, soon after I learn that I am pregnant, and the day I told him he expressed to me how much he hated me, how I was ruining his life and how he wanted to have tons of children, but with his wife a...