Between the three (3) cleanses I've done this year, adopting the practice of meditation and repairing my prayer life I've discovered a renewed relationship with God. The interesting thing about it is, that wasn't my plan. Over the years I've built a wall around my heart in an effort to keep everyone out, over time it even included God.
I recall 1999, I found myself pregnant by a "man" who (I thought) I knew, we were together for about two years prior to this (see, "The Rebound Guy"). We dated, he met my father, we did everything a couple would do although there was no true commitment to one another. I remember the mishap as if it were yesterday, the condom comes off and immediately I knew this would create a problem. Sure enough, soon after I learn that I am pregnant, and the day I told him he expressed to me how much he hated me, how I was ruining his life and how he wanted to have tons of children, but with his wife and I would never be his wife. He tried his best to convince me to have an abortion and I would not cave (see "Honesty Hour"). I expressed to him that abortion was not an option, I considered adoption or I'd have the baby and he could do as he pleased. I also made it very clear that should I continue the pregnancy and not give the baby up for adoption he would not call my child a "mistake" or be around for any other hateful and/or negative influence. This was a consequence of our actions and this was the decision that I was making.
I will admit, I was beyond scared! I didn't know what I was getting myself into and to be honest I didn't even like kids. When I envisioned my life up until that point I'd never factored a family or children into the equation. So here I am, I'm going to have a baby and no one around me has experienced the foolishness that is now apart of my life. I began to read every book I could find on pregnancy as well as child development. I talked to my unborn child, I played classical music because I'd read that it does something for the development of the brain. I ate right, well the neuroses kicked in and I was a mess. I wouldn't even chew gum as I figured the baby would be expecting nutrients and there weren't any coming. I yelled at people who chose to smoke in my proximity, I went to the doctor religiously, Lamaze and any other place of comfort and support I could find. At some point, and I don't recall which month it was I finally picked up my Bible and prayed for guidance, direction, understanding and began to seek God. This was also something I'd never done before. I grew up in a family that didn't attend church, I can recall a few times here and there, but nothing consistent. I knew to call on Jesus, but had no understanding as to why. So now I need Him, I don't know much, but what I do know is that I am clueless in the situation I've found myself in.
I got what I needed, I then prayed for God to send me to His people and sure enough a co-worker invited me to church as she usually did, the difference this time was that I was ready. I began to go to church on a regular basis, I felt a sense of peace in this chaos I'd now called my life. Over time I did everything I was supposed to do as a Christian, I'd adapted all of the customs, traditions and expectations. I began to distance myself from my "unsaved" family and only engaged in activities held by the "saints". I was extremely judgemental and felt this overwhelming need to save the world. I'd thrown out all of my "worldly" music and dressed as I thought a "good Christian woman" should. I understood the scripture 2 Corinthians 5:17 which states "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation: old things are passed
away; behold, all things are become new." So I began to believe that everything I'd done up until that point was wrong, especially since I found myself with the circumstances of many poor decisions.
Now as "life happens" and I am faced with disappointments, new obstacles, the death of my best friend (see, "My First Love" and "Happy Birthday Terrance!") and other annoyances I am confused. I thought "if you live right, life is supposed to be good" so why has it become worse now that I am in church? Over time I began to resent all of the things that I'd given up, I rebelled against this life that I thought would make everything I didn't like magically disappear. Once I found myself pregnant again, there was no way I could face the congregation with ANOTHER baby and no husband. Not to mention the fact that I wasnt even supposed to be sexually active, yet I found myself in a relationship and that was what he wanted. I knew at this point I needed to get myself together, and I wasn't so sure this was it any more. Slowly I found myself with one foot in and one foot out of the church, I recall my Pastor at the time preaching about being "lost in the house" if I'm not mistaken, and that was absolutely me. I was so full of religion I had never REALLY developed a relationship with God. I believed, I had faith, I even had some understanding, but the majority of my actions were for acceptance. Most of the people in the church were born and raised there, 2nd, 3rd, 4th generation Christians. Here I am, a heathen, pregnant without a husband and no other "saved" family. I felt myself walking on egg shells, making sure I looked the part so I could "fit in". I knew the right things to say at the right time, but I was so lost. I was miserable! I returned to the world and had no desire to go to any one's church for any reason. I remember the few times the Spirit moved me to attend a service and getting questioned about where I'd been and when I'd planned to return. The thing about it was, I didn't feel the love or concern that you would expect, I felt it was a dig of some sort and I resented it as well. Fast forward to 2005 (see, "Thanksgiving 11.05.2005") now I'm really angry at God and I haven't even mentioned the rest of what occurred after the accident (that's a post within itself).
Now I am unhappy with myself and my life, and to be honest I was ready for it to end. January 2012 I was in a space so dark I couldn't see my way out of it, crazy thing is, I didn't even pray, at least I don't think I did. I just remember having a thought "it's time to cleanse" (see "Cleansing- a mental, physical and spiritual experience") and from there my life changed. I found, through my mess I'd developed a relationship with God, one that I'd never had before. Now I talk to Him, and I am able to hear when He talks to me. I know when I am in His presence and another fun fact, I understand that I don't have to turn my back on everything I love in order to please Him. I no longer care about religion, customs, traditions, acceptance and that other stuff that typically separates a person from the true experience of God. I recall a recent situation where I'd invited someone to an event and they opted not to go because there would be cocktails, well unless you are a recovering alcoholic why does that matter? Not that I am judging however, what if someone at that function needed to see a "Christian" being social outside of VBS, Conventions, Denny's, etc. What if, something you said at this event helped someone see the path to Christ? What if, you were supposed to be a witness to someone and the message they needed could only come from you? But you aren't there....
As I typed that, another scripture comes to mind which talks about how you (as a Christian) are supposed to be in the world, but not OF the world. If Jesus attended weddings, fellowship with His friend and even turned water into wine, why then are we supposed to live these sheltered lives? By no means do I have all of the answers, I am trying to find my way just like everyone else, however Jesus knows that I love Vodka and wine, and I may have a drink however I am aware that I should not get drunk. And if I feel convicted about a drink or two and I am made aware that I should give it up, it will be a decision made between myself and the God I served and not based on what someone feels is right or wrong for a "Christian" to do. As I've recently joined a church and rededicated myself to God and I pray to be a light in this world; I briefly had a fear of reliving my first experience as a young Christian and how I'd fallen so far off. I was in Sunday school, Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, Wednesday night bible class and anything else available. Heaven forbid I didn't attend a service, I thought I was for sure going straight to hell. The other day on Facebook, a friend made a comment on GodVine's photo (below) www.facebook.com/GodVine and as I saw it I felt compelled to comment.
My Comment:
Religion is what derailed my walk with God. Glad I discovered a relationship through all of my mess.
I am truly thankful to God for His grace, mercy and forgiveness. I am aware of my core self and striving to understand that more each day. I now have a relationship with God and I understand that He is not expecting me to be perfect, but to make my best effort to do as His word commands. Should I slip, I know what it means to repent and apologize as necessary. I am now more aware than before of the importance of staying clear of the things/influences that may tempt me to go against the word of God. I now make an effort to pray and ask for direction especially as the situation which brings forth anxiety continues to worsen. I am thankful for the prayers of those who love God and keep my name before Him. I also make sure to pray for my friends, family, co-workers and followers who come to my mind.
I guess the bottom line for me is to encourage everyone to establish a relationship with God, and not base it on the thoughts and opinions of others. No man walking this Earth is perfect, has all of the answers or will stand before God in your place. So why give them so much power over your life? I am not saying disregard or disrespect the Shepards of God, however I am saying to make sure that along with attending services, you actually read your bible on your own, pray and meditate on His word, seek guidance, establish a RELATIONSHIP. My thoughts when making a decision or speaking to people, especially when its something that I would rather not say, is if this is necessary and pleasing to God. At times, well most times, I'll pause before my words to check in and understand the space the words are coming from. I've typed this before and its just as true now as it was when I originally mentioned it; my objective is for God to say, when its all said and done "well done, my good and faithful servant". I pray that my experiences will somehow help someone avoid some of the foolishness that is so easy to find upon you. In some ways I know that in future posts the words expressed may be words that I wished someone would have shared with me. I'm one of those people who would rather avoid drama and mayham as opposed to learning the lessons the hard way. Yet, I understand not everyone is that way either. I guess as I finalize my thoughts on the subject, of course there's a Rumi quote that speaks from my heart.
"I belong to no religion. My religion is love. Every heart is my temple".
~ Rumi
~ Rumi
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