I used to believe he was "the one" however the path he chose and the choices he's made won't allow us to be together. I no longer hold it against him, in all honestly how could I? Sometimes I even understand on a certain level why he is the way he is; other times it baffles me.
I trust(ed) him in a space not many people have been allowed in. So he knows how to handle me as no one else has been able to figure out. Sometimes I can sense when he's thinking about me, in those moments I used to reach out to him. I recall one instance where I fought it for as long as I could, but I always gave in. Even when I didn't completely want to, so I sent an email, very simple "I miss you" and within minutes he responded stating he was in the city and made plans to see me. The moment we were face to face he asked me "why did you stay away from me for so long?" And my reply was "you hurt me".
This time I tried for as long as I could, to go without contacting him, then I realized we were SUPPOSED to be friends despite the other foolishness that hasn't worked out. Yet it's one of the rare occasions where he chooses not to respond to any of my "friendly" messages, he's waiting for the one which let's him know he still has my heart. He knows how much I hate when he does that, mainly because it makes me miss him so much more. In this moment I actually need him, since he's the only one I believe when he assures me that "everything will be okay". He allows me to rest in the space on his shoulder with my face buried in his neck and he holds me until I actually believe it will be okay.
Recently my thoughts have been on him, mainly for my own selfish reasons, on some level I pray he never responds so this bond or whatever it is can be broken for good. Yet in my moment of loneliness, which doesn't happen often; I wish he'd respond and spend that quality time that I need so I'll believe that I'll be okay.
I am not completely myself with him so although we've known one another for almost a decade, he doesn't REALLY know me, especially the person I am now compared to the last "me" he interacted with. I will admit, it would be nice to see him however I don't truly know if I really want to.
It concerns me how thoughts of him confuse me, my head and heart are always on the opposite side of the fence when he's the subject. However, today as I try to relax and prepare myself for the week while fighting off a migraine and tears, I want nothing more than a message in my inbox and his words to say that he's on his way. But, I don't know which part of me desires that as well as if its healthy, necessary or in my best interest.
So I will do nothing. I guess admitting this is the first step, I pray eventually this won't happen anymore. Then I will be completely over my past and ready to accept a future which doesn't include the unhealthy game we've played for far too long.
Loneliness is a very dangerous space to dwell, if you allow it to linger. The fact that someone is blasting Sade isn't helping, nevertheless I will not sink into the space that its trying to take me. Decisions made from temporary emotions are often poor in nature and will not serve you long term. Honestly, they often derail or disrupt the progress or at times unravel things at the very end of the journey. You know, when those skeletons start falling out of the closet.
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