I was completely nervous heading into my appointment today with a million thoughts running through my mind. I've been praying, not for a particular outcome, but to know the truth. Something I've buried for six (6) years. December 2005, I'd decided to terminate a pregnancy following a car accident (see, "Honesty Hour" and "Saturday, November 05, 2005"). Well January 2006 a few days before my birthday I'm in the ER because something's wrong and up until this moment no one could figure out what it was. I recall being rushed into surgery and signing disclosure forms, I don't recall if the surgeon actually said that I wouldn't be able to have children or if somehow that was just what I'd heard.
Trying to recover from an accident of that capacity while admitting that I was unable to handle the most important responsibility in my life was overwhelming to say the least. I recall the length of time it took to walk the few blocks to my son's school and the day his teacher threatened to call the authorities if he missed another day, unconcerned with the reason why. I was crushed and with no where else to turn, it was time for his dad to finally step up and take an active role in our son's life. The plan was for this arrangement to be temporary, as in until I was able to move around without pain.
I felt like I lost two children at once, I buried myself in alcohol and so many other distractions. In the mist of my emotional and physical trauma this "man" decides its the perfect time to sue me for full custody and child support. Talk about insensitive and weak! Thankfully, I had a few friends who were there to offer support, encouragement and listening ears. I was devastated, especially to know that certain members of my family actually supplied him with information that they thought would help him win. As @brookandthecity would say "Loyalty Is Vintage". Well of course they aren't successful, I think we settled everything in mediation resulting in joint custody and the custody split that I proposed. Some are still mad, with no facts, but enough speculation to create whatever "truth" they choose to believe.
Funny how things work out, his level of resentment towards me is unreal. He thought things were going to be completely different I suppose, I won't go into detail, but it amazes me how some people will say and do the most hurtful things then years down the road you see their lives and realize how powerful words can be. Like, the saying about "be careful, the ditch you dig for someone else will end up your own", or something like that. However, in the end my son is flourishing, brilliant and growing into a wonderful person, of course with the normal 12 year old shananigans.
Anyway, after my cleanse in June I was able to deal with my guilt and heartache of the decisions I'd made surrounding the accident. I was even given the opportunity to reconcile the friendship with the man I was dating at the time. Here we are in August of this year I completed a Meditation Challenge offered by Deepak Chopra with the theme of being "Free to Love" and at that time I realized I wanted my heart to open. I finally admitted the desire of wanting to be married and create a family, however I couldn't honestly do that without facing MY truth. I scheduled my appointment, meditated, repented, prayed and detached from a particular outcome.
Last week I emailed my Ob/Gyn and requested her to order labs to go along with her examination. I needed to get my usual std, HIV and aids tests, she knows that I'm neurotic, I believe that's common knowledge at this point. Although I know the results are negative, it's something about the reassurance that makes me feel better. I believe it's just good to know your status, especially in this day and age. Now I'm getting my vitals and everyone wants to know how much weight I've lost and my fitness/ lifestyle changes, it's as if we're all old friends. I've always felt comfortable and safe there, which says a lot! Its more important than some may realize to have doctor's you trust and to be completely honest with them. I realized I am the most honest with God, myself, my therapist and my doctors. They get the FULL story, not just the highlights. Now we're in my chart and she's going one by one into 2006, there's nothing in there stating the doctors had to be "very aggressive" during the procedure, which means, I can have babies when the time comes! She then completes the exam and everything's healthy :)
I am overjoyed! To know that once I am married, my husband and I can have a discussion and plan to have a child that we both want is just overwhelming. I feel like I have another chance to experience this wonderful moment the way I've always dreamt of it. I literally have a few tears just thinking about it. In my heart I am recommitting to my #TeamAbstinence, to know my prayer was answered and forgiveness is real. Obviously I'm no virgin, however my desire is to continue to prepare my mind, body and soul for my future and that doesn't include low energy foolishness that adds to stress and anxiety.
The vibration I felt during my meditation was so intense, yet there was no way I could not take time out and thank my Creator for such wonderful information. All in all, today was tremendous on so many levels.
Namasté
No comments:
Post a Comment