Junkie Days

I woke up Sunday morning with a burst of energy, I allowed myself to sleep in and I actually felt rested.  Once I completed my morning prayer and meditation I got out of bed to prepare myself for my run, I'd decided I'd head to the store and pick up a few items that I needed in order to "kill two birds with one stone",  As I journey home from my adventure I start to go over the day's agenda in my head.

• Shower
• Church
• Riding (I'd begun Horseback Riding as one of many stress relievers)
• Prepare for Work

As I get closer to home I notice I now have a headache, I attempt to get myself together for church and notice it's getting worse so I opt out of morning service, convince myself to take a nap and perhaps I'd feel better in time for evening service.  WRONG! Now I am stuck in bed with a pounding headache and I am out of my prescription.  I remember I placed an order for refills online and just needed to pick them up, however I am unable to drive anywhere.  Finally I am able to regroup, I run a few errands and end up at the pharmacy, I think to myself "perfect, now I can pop these pills and I'll be fine by morning".  That would've happened had the Pharmacist actually put ALL of my medications in the bag 

-blank stare- 

So it's morning and the migraine is still here, I proceed to head to "The Land of the Lost" yet once I get there I cant get out of the car, then the tears came. There's some type of migraine-anxiety hybrid situation happening and I feel like I am having a melt down.  I decide to head to the doctor and figure out a way to "fix" my issues.  In the process I call my therapist as I feel completely broken and the thought or fact that I actually need to take pills in order to cope with my day/life troubles me.  I've expressed to my therapist how I feel about taking "drugs", the fact that I need medication frightens me.  I've witnessed someone who has a shit load of medications for everything under the Sun, and how the side effects of one pill causes them to need several others to "repair" the damage being done.  This does not even include the transformation I've witnessed in my mother due to her drug usage.  So for me to HAVE to take pills for things is quite unsettling for me.  I'd much rather eliminate the cause of these issues rather than medicate myself in an attempt to cope with anxiety and migraines and the other issues which seem to increase by the week.

I've worked so hard to get my body in the condition where I am happy and it is healthy, not to mention my lifestyle and exercise changes over the past year.  I feel as if all of my efforts are being derailed by these substances which effect me in a way which I can not always control.  I was completely emotional today, with random tears for no good reason, not to mention the desire for comfort because I feel as if I am going "crazy".  Then I feel a way about admitting that because I know that I am not SUPPOSED to, yet don't crazy people take a shit load of medications?  I feel as if I need to take control of this situation before it leads me to a road that I do not want to travel, the road where I've seen my mother and her mother take and the outcome of those situations.

I've expressed to my therapist quite a few times how I feel being on "drugs" and my goal is to make sure this isn't a permanent thing.  I believe the worst part is fending for myself while I am in this space which seems so helpless, and that's a post within itself.  I am praying for the day that I feel completely whole again, no migraines or anxiety and I can be completely myself, no medications required.  Until then, I will deal, continue to "cope" and work on ways to eliminate the cause of these issues.