He says I "do too much", how is it possible to express your love, care and/or concern for someone "too much"? The interesting part of it all is; what he feels is too much is actually my bare minimum. Yet when I'm silent or fed up he's upset, lately our communication has been a disaster. Thankfully, no arguments, but as quickly as I thought we were on the same page his next communication let me know that we weren't. We aren't even in the same book, or the same section.
I've been to Mars, honestly, I think I used to live there. Sometimes I wish he'd stop fighting so hard and catch a flight to Venus, I believe he'd understand then. I've been stubborn, mean, angry and I'm sure if you let him tell it, a host of other things. However as "awful" as I have been, he won't go away nor will he do the simple things to make our interaction work.
I've stopped hoping for "us", now I just ask God to guide me because I don't know the purpose of this situation and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. The crazy part is, the more time I spend with my Dad the more I think about this man and desire to repair our communication. Trouble is, nothing I've done thus far is working. I can see so much potential and I know I can help him get there, even if there is no benefit in it for me. I just want him to be at his very best, but he won't get out of the way and allow it to happen.
I remember when our energy was at its best, we'd talk throughout the day and spend quality time together often. During this time he'd let me know of many promotions he'd achieved. I can't tell you the last time he mentioned a raise or promotion to me in the past few years. I won't dare bring that to his attention, but now that I think of it maybe I should.
Last year at this time we had the worst fight ever, it was Thanksgiving and I'd already had too much wine. Then he texted me with some foolishness and as I warned him of my condition he chose to continue. So I let him have it! And as the argument escalated I continued to drink and to say things got out of control would be an understatement. It took a long time to recover from that argument, I don't even understand why we fight. Like I know what's being said, but I don't understand why he has such a problem with EVERYTHING that I do yet he can't seem to move on with his life. I don't even understand why I won't do the same.
He claims I have some type of effect on him, that regardless if we're on speaking terms or not he's always concerned. He says he always wants me, the trouble is I don't see the actions to match. For some reason when it comes to me he's so "gangsta" and tough, yet I've known him in other relationships and he seems to choose women who are extremely dependent and needy. Maybe that's our problem, I don't need to invade his space because I can't keep one of my own. I don't need him to pay my bills or get my hair done or whatever silly things he's used to. Yet he bends over backwards for THAT type, he cooks, he's clean (like OCD clean!), and a few other qualities I love yet when it comes to me, I'm on my own. He says I need to soften up, so I have, and that hasn't improved those time management and communication skills which need a whole lot of work.
As I notice Thanksgiving is on the horizon I am determined to keep my composure and refrain from another epic argument like the one last year. At least that's my expectation. Hopefully somehow he'll find his way to Venus or at least learn the language. That would be another thing on my list to be Thankful for.
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