Today I choose to celebrate the life of a dear friend, someone who shall remain in my heart and my thoughts for the rest of my life. I've never done that, well since his death. I've never gone back to the cemetery and I rarely look at his obituary. I finally took the photo that was on the cover and placed it in a frame, however it hurts to see his face. I didn't understand how things changed so quickly, or if I didn't hear something or had I overlooked a sign. I have no clue yet I felt so much hurt and guilt as if somehow I was supposed to prevent this from happening. I remember I wanted to die so he and I could be together again. I didn't understand why he killed himself. I didn't understand why he'd share so much the last time I saw him knowing what he'd planned to do. I was hurt and angry, I was so upset with him for years. I remember I'd see him in my dreams so I'd wish I would never wake up so I could stay there forever.
I remember being a little kid, I don't know how old, but for some reason I was with my mother and she had taken me Downtown with her. We were in some shady hotel with a huge window without the screen and as I stood there the thought of jumping lingered in my mind. At one point I was very close to following the thought, that's when my aunt appeared and rescued me. I never knew how she found me or why my mother had taken me I was just glad that moment was over.
Not so long ago I was unhappy with my life and didn't really care what happened. I thought of the craziest things and how to make them appear accidental. The only thought that kept me from making a dumb decision based on things within my control was the hurt I felt when I learned what Terrance had done. I took it personally, as if he left me. All I could think was, "I can't do that to my son". I am unsure why things happen as they do, or why it effects us the way it does.
I am grateful to be alive today, I am also saddened by the fact the first man I loved (excluding my Father) is not here with me to celebrate his birthday. I wish he would've talked to me or someone who could have helped him cope with whatever drove him to this decision. I believe it's so important to tap into the people you care about, you'll know when you need to reach out to them in some way, you just have to be tuned into your core self to know when and how. Since the experience with Shawn (Terrance's younger brother who committed suicide a few years before he did) and of course the feelings and thoughts regarding Terrance's death; I've made sure to check on certain people when I feel a particular way. I know it may be considered extremely selfish, but I could not take hearing anything like that again in this life.
I intend on getting involved with a Suicide Prevention organization, at this point I believe that will be a great way to honor my friend.
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