So alone in this world, I used to wish I had a sister, but only if she were my twin. I figured I'd finally have someone who looked like me and could actually relate to my emotions, thoughts, dreams and desires.
Being an only child is not easy, I used to wish I had that type of interactions with my cousins where we'd be more like sisters. Unfortunately, my sheltered and at times overbearing upbringing didn't allow that. I kind of understand it now, to be the child of the family drug addict, everyone is extremely delicate with you. They seem to believe that you are either more fragile or much tougher than you may appear. I recall a recent encounter with a cousin from my Grandmother's side of the family, and as we were catching up she asked who's child I was so she could have a point of reference, her reaction was priceless and I could see the horror, dispair and/or pity she felt in that moment before she was able to catch herself and say something "nice".
I remember being a kid and I'd never mention my mother, after a while my friends would begin to ask me questions and I'd just say she died. It was easier that way, not to be mean, but as a way to cope with the facts of my life. I remember cherishing the years before she lost her way, somewhere along the way I've pushed all of that stuff out of my mind though. I appreciated the fact that she choose to keep her lifestyle away from me, it was admirable. That is until my teenage years and she'd find her way to our house more often, now she actually wants to be a mother, girl! I was so disconnected, I felt as if she was crazy and I wasnt having it. I recall one occassion she came around and tried to give me a curfew and some other "rules", I called my Daddy and asked him to talk to her. I remember her saying something about not wanting me to get caught up with the wrong things. I told her "whatever I could get caught up in could happen long before this curfew you're trying to set". My Dad spoke with her and she loosened her grip, as she should have. Its asinine to be removed from a situation then try to come in and demand respect and reverance because of a "title", true you are my mother, however thats only in one deed not in words or actions.
A couple years ago, I found the space to forgive her. I even attempted to re-establish a relationship with her, the trouble comes in when she can not accept my reservations and boundaries. At times its as if she does not recall the childhood that I had because of her choices. Its as if she erased it all and is expecting me to embrace her as the world's best mother or something. Earlier this year, I discovered a space for her, a space free of hurt and resentment. I would call or text her randomly and say "I love you" or check on her yet her response was distant, at times cold and never receipricated. So here I am, a grown woman, and I find myself in the same spot as I was as a kid, wanting the love of the one person who is SUPPOSED to love you with their whole heart. The person who is supposed to put you first and be there when you're hurt or sad or upset. Even today, as I deal with anxiety and I notice depression trying its hardest to creep in I have yet to get a call or text from her which is not self-centered. It's always about what she wants, what she needs, why am I not doing this for her, when am I going to visit her, can I take her somewhere.
I try to keep my heart open, but I am only human and this is not easy. I truly have no idea what to do with these emotions, the crazy part is, as I prepare for this appointment with my Ob/Gyn in a few hours and she goes through my chart and gives her insight on if it appears that I can bare another child or not. I am forced to face my thoughts of motherhood, the mindset and efforts on how I've raised my son thus far as well as how I would do certain things differently if given an opportunity. The more I deal with my son and even when I am upset with his antics, the love I feel for him is hard to put in words. So for a mother, my mother to not feel that way about me.......
I cant even finish this
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