The World Outside My Window

I'd convinced myself that I was not depressed,  I rationalized the fact that the way I behaved and felt was vastly different from the actions and words I expressed when I was obviously feeling that way.  So I shrugged it off and told myself that my psychiatrist was missing something as we exchanged words regarding my current medication which no longer worked and the replacement he'd suggested.  I make a point to research medications before taking them, I also make sure to discuss my other medications and herbs that I take to ensure it will not interfere with anything.   Finally I realized I've been putting off washing my hair for 2 weeks now, which means I havent washed my hair in 3 weeks, I am disgusted as I admit these words.  I know that something is wrong, so I began to be completely honest with myself and I prayed and in that moment I accepted the truth, which is I need to pick up my prescription, I was somewh...

For the past couple of days I've felt this space of resentment and anger trying to express itself, I've been trying to "be nice", but that's a whole other blog.  As various conversations and events occurred I had to take deep breaths, find the " right " music, count to 10, take the necessary medication and a million other techniques my Therapists and I agreed upon.  Trouble is, at some point I felt  overwhelmed.  I wanted to vent to and about various things and people however I knew that wasn't a wise decision.  So I began a post titled "My Complaint Hierarchy", yet my thoughts weren't forming as I would have liked so I left it in the draft.    Not long after I spent some time with a very important person in my life and to say I was at my "wits end" would be an understatement.  I couldn't figure out if they were purposely trying to push my buttons or if it were just a happenstance, nonetheless, the tears began to fa...

Dealing with anxiety has been a very eye opening experience for me. Since I completed my last cleanse a few weeks ago I've begun to see myself differently, like who I really am. I will admit, I like am in love with myself now (flaws and all). Earlier this year I was in such a dark space I couldn't even look myself in the mirror without a feeling of disgust, humiliation and/or insecurity. I'd gained weight and as I thought of the fact that I'd been 115 lbs until my son was born then hmm 130- 140 lbs up until a couple of years ago I grew more and more depressed as the numbers on the scale continued to increase and doctors now referred to me as "obese". I wasn't interested in sex, or should I say, I had no desire to have sex because I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin. Needless to say #TeamAbstinence was a breeze! So as I've cleansed, changed my eating habits and gotten into a regular fitness lifestyle the lbs have shed and I actually su...

Initially I didn't understand why I was so emotional the past few days, until at some point I realized the date. November 4th, I was rushing, I woke up late and it completely derailed my entire day. I'd planned to get gas before work, but since I was 30 minutes late I said "I'll do it later". Somehow that didn't happen either, the day turns to evening and I forget all about it. I remember I stopped at a party, had a drink (or two) then went to see the guy I was dating and he went with me to get some piercing (I don't recall which one). I expected to stay at his place and leave the next morning, as I planned it out I factored that I'd have to get gas by then for sure. Well it's about 2:30 am at this point and he wasn't with my plan, as he tried to repair the damage done by his initial reaction it was too late. I left, wishing, hoping, praying I make it home safely since getting gas now is out of the question. I'm so close to home, I th...