In a perfect world we'd have no sad days or whatever the feeling was that managed to creep in Thursday evening. Throughout the day I attempted to make progress regarding a particular situation. Over the past year I've made so many changes within myself, at times it's hard to believe my thoughts, feelings and desires are vastly different from what they've been the majority of my life. So, on days like the one I experienced I don't quite know what I am supposed to feel. Better yet, how I am supposed to express those feelings. I was annoyed, frustrated, angry at times and battling depression as it seemed things were highly unlikely to change any time soon.
Since the initial issue with "The Angry Birds", the onset of anxiety disorder followed by a required leave of absence from "The Land of the Lost", I have made every effort to refocus my thoughts to a bigger, brighter future. The purpose of the leave was to de-stress and manage the anxiety so I could return to a new environment and put the unpleasant past behind me. However the leave initially proved to do more damage than good as my symptoms increased along with the level of anxiety and stress. The fact that I've had a job since I was 14 also made it a bit difficult to embrace having nothing to do or tasks to occupy my time. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I am very "Type A"; I love schedules, well, I love to be productive, to contribute my time and efforts to make something better.
As I realized it was pointless to dwell on the issue causing stress, I began to watch programs and/or YouTube videos which directed my thoughts towards The Law of Attraction as well as meditation and learning more about Chakra's. I took a 3 minute quiz on www.chakrahealing.com and discovered many of mine were weak or closed, which was no surprise. It actually explained exactly what I'd been feeling and experiencing for the past few months, with this newfound knowledge I immediately began to pray and meditate on how to correct this unproductive energy. Later that evening I began this post and felt the need to stop. I had the picture in mind and most of what I wanted to share, however there was no victory, which to me meant the message was unfinished. I try not to use the blog or my other online outlets as a voice to complain, that's what prayer and therapy are for lol. So I decided to eat something and make myself rest, as I attempted to watch television my thoughts jumped from various occurrences of the day and I began to pray, then the tears came. This time they weren't the same as many times before; they were calm, and the prayer was more aggressive and included mostly scripture. I'd never prayed that way before, in retrospect I realize how passive my prayers had been. I'd ask God to fix a situation however with no authority, almost begging or pleading, yet almost fearful that God wouldn't do those things for me.
I always knew and believed God could/would answer prayer, especially when I pray for others, yet somewhere in my consciousness I didn't believe my prayers for myself were as important. I'd had meltdown after meltdown over a person not coming through for me, being unreliable, thinking God had to use someone else to bring my deliverance to me. On some level I thought/believed I'd have to endure these challenges for a prolonged amount of time rather than an instantaneous change for the better. As I recited scripture (God's word) making it clear that I understood how it worked and trusted that my prayers would be answered and results would be quick. Over the past two months things had gotten tight, to the point a few of those posts left in the draft were a funny spin on the urgency of my situation. I started a post titled "Kammy Golightly" which was detailing how close I was to hitting the "boom boom room" in an effort to get some quick, long money. As I joked with my therapist, a few friends and my Pastor I understood how ridiculous that was however as I was honest about the situation I made it clear that I was only 80% joking. My mind then took me to a gentlemen I wrote about in "Fairytales, Lies & Propaganda..." who promised me the world and at the time I refused. Well as bills started to pile up, his offer didn't seem so unreasonable. However the truth is, those would be desperate measures, not to mention, it was depending on my body or another being to rescue me from the situation rather than believing God would come through for me.
Eventually I drifted off to sleep only to wake up with a migraine, a common occurrence these days so there was no need to be alarmed. I prayed then meditated as I (try to) do each morning and I tossed in a final word to The Lord acknowledging that I believed that it is taken care of. I continued with my day and began making the necessary calls, to no surprise I keep getting voice mail or the line is disconnected yet this time, rather than get frustrated I continued to tell myself "all things are working together for the good", shortly after I get someone on the line and I began to get to the bottom of the situation. At one point my representative "accidentally" hung up on me, so of course I got annoyed, then called and got her on the line again. The end result was the matter being resolved, Amen!
The funny thing was, I'd been reading Psalms and Proverbs since December 2012. I'd also found myself watching Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen on YouTube almost nightly, I'd even created a play list titled "Encouragement". On one video Joyce was talking about Job, that's why I said funny thing; you rarely hear preachers discuss Job, especially as the abundance ministry seems to take the front seat. Not to say there's anything wrong with preaching abundance, because I am all for it. However, there is also "the valley" as well as "the wilderness" experiences in life which need to be addressed. I recall the story of Moses and the children of Israel and how they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years (if memory serves me correctly), murmuring and complaining yet the journey was really an 11 day excursion. Or how Job lost everything yet continued to trust, believe and love God through it all. As I've witnessed my own situation and praise God for the fact that my needs were met each and every day, even when I had no idea where a meal was coming from or gas money. As some promised to help, but didn't come through and other's just did things out of the kindness of their hearts. I recognize God's favor and how the many Universal Laws are very real, I understand how my faith was strengthened and I am encouraged to continue this journey where ever it leads me. As I know "thy rod and they staff, they comfort me", I say this all the time and it seems more true today than ever before, "who said this road would be easy?"
As I type these words I am encouraged, thankful, grateful, hopeful and strengthened to continue to do whatever I am destined to contribute to this life. I know I am not the only person facing challenges, I know I am not the only person who believes in God or His word. I only encourage everyone to continue to press forward and truly believe that God will work things out for you when you completely let it go (whatever "it" is) and trust that it will be done in your favor. It doesn't have to take forever, sometimes the wait is simply Divine timing, while other times it may be something we are doing, or rather not doing which is stalling the outcome. Over the course of this past year, my prayer has changed from my wants and how I believe things should be, to "thy will be done". I will admit, as I completely submit to that prayer I find it is becoming easier to deal with the many hurdles and obstacles I've seen along the way. The bottom line for me is, no matter how many bricks life throws at me, I am determined to build my fairytale. I believe in God's goodness while I am here on Earth not only in the afterlife. I pray you are encouraged and continue your journey as it unfolds, where ever it leads.
Love & Light <3
No comments:
Post a Comment