I've been trying to re-establish a relationship friendship for the past 6+ months to no avail. In the past when dealing with this person, I wasn't completely myself. Well, that's not entirely true. I was myself, just a very narrow view of me, the part that didn't have to express much or put myself "out there". We continued to have the same arguments with the same agreement, yet nothing ever REALLY improved. I then began to be myself, completely, unapologetically and still, no improvement. So as the new year arrived and my birthday approached I realized that although we agreed to remain friends, that person has not been a friend to me however I've remained a friend to them (or at least put forth a huge effort to do so).
I then decided that it was officially time to move forward, no announcements necessary, just do it. I realized the decision stirred up some type of emotion and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Sunday evening as I walked down the street to meet a friend for a belated birthday dessert, I listened to random music and allowed my thoughts to run freely, of course a few songs came on and I was forced to refocus my thoughts as they returned to the issue I was trying to move away from. I then attempt to make myself "get over it!" of course it seems as if the Universe is conspiring to force me to do something, I just don't know what exactly. I log on to various social networking sites and there they are although we are not attached on any of these websites. I rarely click the "find friends" or "people you may know" yet it's popping up without any effort on my part. I honestly don't know what to do with this. As I place my energy only on the things I desire in my life, I am a bit confused as to why this person who has on countless occasion, whether directly or indirectly made it painfully clear that they not only aren't on my team, I find it hard to believe they even "like" me. So why, as I wave goodbye to the hurts, pains, disappointments of yesterday is it invading my life today?
I admit, I honestly would like for it to be different however the choice has been removed and I am happily moving in the direction of my dreams. No more waiting for someone else to see my vision or be apart of my fairytale (in friendship or otherwise). I realize how certain behaviors on my part contributed to many circumstances I am currently facing. I've had several conversations with someone regarding "self preservation" and although I don't completely agree with his views I have come to adapt some of them into my daily life. I understand that I need to be whole, healthy and happy in order to give anything to someone else (family, friends & lover), however I've put the wants, needs, expectations of others before my own for quite some time. Always there for someone yet not quite giving myself 100%, this is the first thing I've decided to improve in the new year.
As I move forward and attempt to leave the past right where it belongs, I am also attempting to do something else I've never done before. I will no longer question why something is, or isn't. Who cares why this person is popping up? What difference does it make? The fact that I am faced with it does not mean I will not continue as planned. I've learned, or should I say, I am striving to get to the place where these feelings and/or emotions won't matter so much. I believe I've given so much thought into my emotions because I've discounted them for so many years, now the need to overcompensate has come to wreak havoc and honestly I can no longer afford to allow that to continue. So for the first time in my life, I am making a conscious effort to leave the past behind me and make a commitment to my future.
I admit, I honestly would like for it to be different however the choice has been removed and I am happily moving in the direction of my dreams. No more waiting for someone else to see my vision or be apart of my fairytale (in friendship or otherwise). I realize how certain behaviors on my part contributed to many circumstances I am currently facing. I've had several conversations with someone regarding "self preservation" and although I don't completely agree with his views I have come to adapt some of them into my daily life. I understand that I need to be whole, healthy and happy in order to give anything to someone else (family, friends & lover), however I've put the wants, needs, expectations of others before my own for quite some time. Always there for someone yet not quite giving myself 100%, this is the first thing I've decided to improve in the new year.
As I move forward and attempt to leave the past right where it belongs, I am also attempting to do something else I've never done before. I will no longer question why something is, or isn't. Who cares why this person is popping up? What difference does it make? The fact that I am faced with it does not mean I will not continue as planned. I've learned, or should I say, I am striving to get to the place where these feelings and/or emotions won't matter so much. I believe I've given so much thought into my emotions because I've discounted them for so many years, now the need to overcompensate has come to wreak havoc and honestly I can no longer afford to allow that to continue. So for the first time in my life, I am making a conscious effort to leave the past behind me and make a commitment to my future.
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