The past few days I've been having issue with a certain path, as I've expressed in "I'm on His Side" I feel as if part of me should take some time and invest the "necessary" effort into this person and see what happens. However on the other hand, words of @ihustlenation come to mind stating, "If you're not married, you're single". Simple enough, right? Well here's the thing, "My Favorite" failed to secure an exclusive understanding with me prior to him leaving. I feel as if this thought concerning him has come up one time too many, I mean, if a person is scared, not ready, or whatever hang-up they decide to allow to stand in the way; how much time is reasonable to move on?
It's funny, I basically talk about the same 4 people throughout the years, but since their names aren't attached it may appear as if each story is about a new person. That used to drive my ex crazy, nonetheless, I've known the main 3 gentlemen for 10 years. I actually met them all at various times throughout 2003 so in my mind as I embrace my future I realize now more than ever it was time for them all to "shit or get off the pot" for lack of a better expression.
As I ran errands today, I came across a gentleman who has been interested in me for quite some time. As we had a chance to catch up briefly, he asked me if I was "seeing anyone serious?", I paused and was a bit blank as to how to answer that. Then without hesitation I replied, that "I am not married, so I am single", as he gets my sense of humor we both laughed and continued our conversation. The more I think about it, the more I realize how genius that statement is. I don't "play house", not to judge those who do. I just know that isn't a situation that would work out well for me, which is why "My Favorite" and I ended up in that emotional exchange prior to him leaving. I've come to understand, if you've known me for a certain amount of time and I've allowed you into my home for an extended stay, you should know what you want. Especially after 10 years!
So is it "wrong" to date or entertain others who may actually be ready or in a similar space that I am in? This thought reminds me of Kenya Moore and Walter from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, she desperately wanted to have children and get married, refusing to consider the fact that her boo wasn't on the same page. I recall a relationship I was in prior to meeting the 4 gentlemen I often mention. This was a relationship I'd found myself in out of convenience, however he made it abundantly clear that he wanted to get married. As I stalled for time I expressed to him that I needed a certain ring, and that he shouldn't even bother proposing if he didn't have it. I also wanted to remain abstinent, so whenever he mentioned anything sexual I would hold up my left hand and hold out my ring finger. I had no clue how damaging that was until we later had a conversation and he expressed how hurtful my gestures were. There came a day when he informed me that he was in position to buy the required ring I'd demanded, in that moment I let him know that wouldn't be a good idea.
Last night I thought about my future and the facts that I do desire to be married and have a baby or two, however I am not desperate to do so. I refuse to settle because "we've known each other for so long", "we ain't getting no younger, we might as well do it" or any other reason other than Love and that "I don't want to wake up another day without you" type of feelings. I don't want to be with someone who runs at the first sight of trouble or a glimpse into their dreams. More than anything I want to be happy, healthy and surrounded by those who love me. With the New Year I believe I've regained my focus and I am doing the necessary steps to prepare myself mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally for whatever is to come. In the meantime, I'm on My Side, as I should remain.
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