I don't recall what sparked in me. Honestly, until this moment, I never questioned or examined it. As I've shared in previous expressions, 2009 was the year I moved from my family with the desire to truly grow into the Woman I desire to be. The Woman I knew was buried inside, dying to show herself to "the world". It was my Soul yearning for something more amazing; something I'd never experienced before; I suppose I was longing to Live, rather than simply exist as I had been before. I moved to an area of the City that spoke to my Heart, I lived many miles away for most of my life, until I began a job in 2003 which totally opened my eyes to another way of living. I interacted with people from various cultures, ethnicity's, etc. and I was "in my element" as the saying goes. That is until I attempted to turn my job into a career. I found myself facing unexpected obstacles; the crazy part about that was, the challenges didn't come from strangers. So rather than challenging this situation, I chose to move in a different direction. I don't recall a lot about 2003- 2009 that I would like to share with the Blog that I haven't already; However, I will say, those were quite adventurous, emotional and trying years.
2009- 2011 were rough for my relationships as I found myself beginning a journey I knew nothing about. I found myself with a job that I could see transitioning into a career I'd be "happy" with. To be honest, I was in love with my job; more so than socializing. I worked and whatever else I chose to do with my time and suddenly I found myself unhappy. After reflecting on the emptiness of "pouring" myself into other people's dreams, hopes, happiness, etc. yet my dreams were "on hold", I understood something(s) needed to change. I was no longer in love with work nor my personal life; so I slept, or should I say dreamt? I spent my private time in my dreams, visioning the life I desired to live. While existing, I'd pray; I'd ask God to lift the burden of unhappiness. Shortly after, I don't recall what I was watching on television, but I heard Rev Run say "go where you are celebrated; not where you are tolerated." it was in that moment that something clicked in my Mind as well as in my Heart; yet it took a little while for me to fully understand what that meant, for me.
So here we are in 2015 and I am finally putting those words into action. I've decided I can no longer adjust myself in order to prevent someone from exiting my life. I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for Others in a way in which I do not feel it being returned. I feel as if I am alone, actually lonely. A feeling I've honestly never felt before in my life, until now. I feel betrayed and abandoned, but I've kept that to myself up until recently; only disclosing that information to my therapist. In recent weeks, perhaps months I found myself transitioning from introvert to hermit and knew I needed to make some adjustments once again. Trouble is, I don't mind so much; being a hermit that is. I find not depending on anyone else has made me stronger yet also exposes various weaknesses. I am unsure if this is actually the case or a delusion my mind has convinced me of. I am on the verge of an Anxiety Attack, and I feel it may be rather intense so I've been pushing it down for as long as I can. I don't want to experience it, especially by myself. So I've been distancing myself from people I feel are "wrong" for this aspect of my journey. I feel as if the unsupportive, uncaring and self-serving people I was once surrounded by are no longer a part of my life. I feel as if at this stage of my disorder I have reconnected with a part of myself that I've long forgotten, a part that (possibly) would've protected me from suffering from the initial Anxiety Attack and prevented the conditions I face today. Although, I am quite sure this was unpreventable; as the Doctor's have stated various times, some people are prone to various conditions, disorders and issues. But I like to think that had I been more focused on self-preservation I would've detected the danger before walking blindly into it.
As I attempt to make better decisions and dig myself out of the space I feel myself in, I am looking forward to those "right" things which are expected to happen. I am working on a couple books as well as another website, I am in no rush to complete them as I feel the directions are developing and I want to make sure that I am truly happy with the finished products. I think maybe this is why this happened to me. I hate feeling like a "victim" however I won't go into detail about what caused me to develop these disorders and conditions, but I will say that it was beyond my control which makes the suffering far worse than if this had been something that I've dealt with my entire life. So I am extremely selective with the people and places I chose to spend my time with. Making sure to remain as much in control as possible however finding a balance in the unknown. I am scared; but I see a future that perhaps I was destined to live. I feel as if I should advocate for Mental Health issues, especially in the Black community. I don't even know where to begin other than sharing my experiences, but I suppose that's where the book comes in (details to come). I feel as if we need to get past the prescription of "faith" and "prayer" in order to overcome serious chemical imbalances which are expressed differently depending on the condition and chemical make-up on the person effected as well as the various medications prescribed which may make matters worse. I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know a flawed system when I see one.
As someone who battles mental illness I feel as if it is much deeper than a prayer for healing, as we all know "faith without works is dead." therefore along with having the faith to endure the excruciating effects of mental illness it is also imperative to take necessary action to manage your well-being, whether with medication, natural remedies, along with a healthy spiritual life that assists with making the days better; which is different for each of us dealing with our own specific disorders and methods of "healing". I believe I can make some sort of difference, even if it's just showing someone that they are not alone in how they feel or what they may be experiencing. My goal through the book is to possibly prevent what has happened to me from happening to someone else, even if it's just one person. I feel a renewed sense of focus now that the medications are leaving my body, although I can tell the effects on my brain, I am determined to protect myself on a level I had not considered before, knowing that I must shield myself from various elements, circumstances as well as people as they are not conducive to my well-being. Perhaps I've outgrown them or the level of need and care for myself has developed in a way I had not imagined before. Nevertheless, I feel as if I have to take control of my Self (mind, body and soul) as d'evils are attempting to damage my Being the same way it has damaged my brain; one thing I can not allow to happen and one thing I am devoted to fixing. I suppose time will tell and until then I will do everything within my power to do what's in my best interests from now on. I suppose I've had a moment of clarity.
As I attempt to make better decisions and dig myself out of the space I feel myself in, I am looking forward to those "right" things which are expected to happen. I am working on a couple books as well as another website, I am in no rush to complete them as I feel the directions are developing and I want to make sure that I am truly happy with the finished products. I think maybe this is why this happened to me. I hate feeling like a "victim" however I won't go into detail about what caused me to develop these disorders and conditions, but I will say that it was beyond my control which makes the suffering far worse than if this had been something that I've dealt with my entire life. So I am extremely selective with the people and places I chose to spend my time with. Making sure to remain as much in control as possible however finding a balance in the unknown. I am scared; but I see a future that perhaps I was destined to live. I feel as if I should advocate for Mental Health issues, especially in the Black community. I don't even know where to begin other than sharing my experiences, but I suppose that's where the book comes in (details to come). I feel as if we need to get past the prescription of "faith" and "prayer" in order to overcome serious chemical imbalances which are expressed differently depending on the condition and chemical make-up on the person effected as well as the various medications prescribed which may make matters worse. I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know a flawed system when I see one.
As someone who battles mental illness I feel as if it is much deeper than a prayer for healing, as we all know "faith without works is dead." therefore along with having the faith to endure the excruciating effects of mental illness it is also imperative to take necessary action to manage your well-being, whether with medication, natural remedies, along with a healthy spiritual life that assists with making the days better; which is different for each of us dealing with our own specific disorders and methods of "healing". I believe I can make some sort of difference, even if it's just showing someone that they are not alone in how they feel or what they may be experiencing. My goal through the book is to possibly prevent what has happened to me from happening to someone else, even if it's just one person. I feel a renewed sense of focus now that the medications are leaving my body, although I can tell the effects on my brain, I am determined to protect myself on a level I had not considered before, knowing that I must shield myself from various elements, circumstances as well as people as they are not conducive to my well-being. Perhaps I've outgrown them or the level of need and care for myself has developed in a way I had not imagined before. Nevertheless, I feel as if I have to take control of my Self (mind, body and soul) as d'evils are attempting to damage my Being the same way it has damaged my brain; one thing I can not allow to happen and one thing I am devoted to fixing. I suppose time will tell and until then I will do everything within my power to do what's in my best interests from now on. I suppose I've had a moment of clarity.
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