"Team Abstinence"

I realize everyone has their own path to walk along their journey; however its refreshing to know that someone shares your ideas or understands the choices you've made.  Earlier this year I was made aware of my neurotic relationship with my OB/GYN, I recognized that whenever I had sex, although it was always protected I immediately went to the doctor to "confirm" that I was still in good health.  I'd express to my doctor that I needed her to test for everything and I could not relax until I heard the words that everything was negative.  It was at the last appointment when our eyes met and I knew that this was unhealthy on some other level.  The fact that I was this paranoid just meant that I should not be having a sexual relationship, especially if on some level I did not trust the person I was with.  I later had a conversation with a friend and sure enough, she said to me "if you feel this way, maybe you shouldn't be having sex".  I couldn't agree more!  After that appointment and my conversation a decision was made, there's no point in me sharing an experience with someone I don't have a true connection with.  Clearly this was not something that works for me and I had to address it.  Soon after I was reminded of a story that I'd long forgotten, the story of "my first time" lol

Summer 1997, my friend and I are having the summer of our dreams.  We shopped, partied, hung out at the beach and of course met plenty of guys.  One particular afternoon I somehow decided that I was going to lose my virginity to a guy I'd been seeing for a good part of the summer.  I honestly don't know why I chose him, but it was gonna happen nonetheless.  Funny thing is; he never mentioned sex it was just a nice surprise.  So we start and after the initial moment I dont feel anything.  I'm just there, until I look up and notice he's making all of these weird faces.  I am at a lost because I am clearly not experiencing whatever it is that he is.  I remember at one point I couldnt control myself and I burst out laughing.  I stopped him and had to catch my breath between laughs.  I remember writing in my journal how disappointed I was, I remember regretting losing my virginity because the experience was so unrewarding or better yet, underwhelming. 

Now here I am 15 years later and I find myself in that same position, I am engaging in an act and I am not connected or satisfied.  At times I found myself absolutely bored yet my body was able to tolerate it as something I'm "supposed" to do.  I finally understood that was not enough, I needed so much more and I would no longer settle for a mundane experience.  I find myself dating now and it's interesting to see people for who they truly are when you take sex off the table.  I've had guys tell me right up front how much they love me or how they want to marry me (lies and fairytales, I'll write about that later), I've had some who just never called again and my favorite; the ones who actually want to take the time to get to know me and allow me to know them with the opportunity to see where it can go.

The other day I shared a thought on my twitter timeline when I thought of the possiblity of getting to know a certain someone.  The thought was simply "I'm ready to explore your heart and mind, the body is easy.  So we'll save that for the end".  I find myself excited to take a journey through his mind and learn the path to his heart.  I am looking forward to expressing my deepest admiration for him and allowing him to inspire me.  I am intrigued by the words he has yet to share with me and how they will impact my life.  I am looking forward to getting to know him as I never have before and with doing all of that, IF we happen to locate a connection that allows us to turn our interaction sexual I know that it will be exactly what I'll need it to be.  Often times we see sex as a phyical act, neglecting the mental, emotional and spritiual components of the exchange.  The fact that it's an exchange of energy and as women we hold on to that far longer than the actual act.  I now take it more seriously and I am willing to wait for what it is that I'm looking for.