The Representative

I remember being a teenager and having a conversation with someone (the details escape me); but I had a thought regarding the way people choose to represent themselves during the first few months after meeting them.  I described it as “The Representative”, over the years I realize it takes far longer to get to the “Core” of a person and some are so hidden that you may never know the “real” them. 

I am reminded of an interaction I had with someone and in that moment I did not like myself very much, after I thought about things I realized I had misrepresented myself and although he was completely fine with things; I wasn’t.  Because I had grown to recognize who I am at the core, the representative that showed up in that occasion did not mesh well together.  That experience was one of the deciding factors for cleansing a few months ago (late May- early June); it was in that moment that I knew I must do my very best to avoid that feeling.  I distanced myself from the person and even blocked his information; I didn’t want to see calls, texts or emails from him.  I wanted him out of my life completely, mainly because something about him brought out this person that wasn’t truly who I am.  It was a fake, I didn’t speak the same, I didn’t express the things that were truly important to me, and I could not face that type of relationship any longer.   After The Cleanse we somehow reconnected and he thought it necessary to tell me about myself.  I took his words into consideration and then I shifted through the bullshit and saw that not only was he placing blame on me for the way things were, he did not take any responsibility for his hand in the foolishness.  Along with that, he was addressing the person I am (The Core) regarding his interaction with a representative.  I can’t even classify it as “my representative”, because that would not be accurate.    

It was at that time that I understood, a person can have various ways of representing themselves however not all are true.  I will admit, I represent myself a particular way while at work versus when I am at home.  Which is expected, however at home as well as with friends and family I am completely myself.  Yet, “the work” Kamille is still true to who I am, it is just selective with what is displayed.  I don’t discuss my personal life with co-workers, especially not “the angry birds”, my conversation is extremely limited.  The extent of it is dieting, cleansing, exercise, hiking and perhaps a television show and that’s extremely rare. 

So back to this gentleman, I explained to him that I had misrepresented myself and for that I apologized however it was fine if we went our separate ways and if not he’d learn the difference between who he thought I was and who I actually am.  The funny thing is, now that I am truly myself, I actually display substance with him when we interact. He actually believes that is the “fake” yet he is still hidden at the core.  I have no idea who he is from one moment to the next and it’s quite annoying.  One minute he’s nice and the next he’s a complete asshole.  I feel like I should have him saved in my phone as Tyler Durden (see Fight Club), at times I just want him to go away and other times I wish he were close to me.  I guess it’s a part of me who is able to connect with him and for that part I have no clue where to categorize it. 

As I type this out my thoughts point towards making sure that the person I am “representing” is one and the same with the person I am at “the core”.  I find it is much easier that way.