Expectation(s)

"whenever we manage to love without expectations, calculations, negotiations, we are indeed in heaven" ~ Rumi

 

I've been known to be a person with high expectations, for myself and of those who I allow in my circle.  I've found the higher the expectation you have for someone the greater the risk of being disappointed.  There came a time when I had to re-evaluate these "standards" I somehow developed; I figured things had to look and be a certain way or something was wrong.  As I sit here I remember being a kid and even into adulthood, somehow nothing I did was good enough, so I almost drove myself crazy trying to be perfect.  I had to have the nicest things, my hair had to be a certain way, I had to get the best grades, etc. not saying that any of those things were bad; of course we all strive for excellence (or at least we should).  The problem I guess is the space I was pulling from, it wasn't that I was doing any of that solely for myself, I was seeking approval and validation and when I didn't get it the way I expected it to come I pushed people away.

 

I read a quote some time ago stating that "expectation is the root of all disappointment" or something to that effect.  I sat and really gave it some thought and realized how true it was.  Now I am not saying don't have any expectations, however what I have learned is to expect a person to be who they are.  I realized my expectations were based on my perception as well as the standards I have for myself.  I don't think its actually fair to expect someone to say/do things the way you deem "good" in order remain in your good graces.  I'm sure the things I say and do often "disappoint" people around me, mainly because my objective is to be true to myself and what I believe my spirit is guiding me to do.  I often ruffle feathers, I try not to hurt feelings yet I don't sugar coat what needs to be said, especially when asked or provoked.  I don't appreciate when others attempt to mold me into their ideal version of who they believe I should be, so why would I do that to another? 

 

A recent conversation followed by a series of actions, or should I say inaction has really made me aware of some things within myself (I think a couple of entries will come from this, or else this one will be a mile long smh).  I find myself feeling the way I did when I first met this person, I am excited about the possibilities however I am taking a close look at my expectations in this situation.  You see years ago I was very clear with my expectations however I was not always understanding or considerate when someone didn't meet them.  I believe I've adjusted my views yet I hate feeling as if I am going backwards.  I want to believe things will be different, but on the surface they appear as they always have.  Now I'm faced with putting all of my new found awareness into use and I will admit its a little scary.  It would be so easy to turn and walk away or shut down, the irony is, I expect more from myself so I can't.  Or should I say, I wont!