Perspective

Last week I found myself in a rather uncomfortable space, although I may have been unaware mentally my body was dealing with quite a bit of stress. I would not allow "the angry birds" of life to get me down, or so I thought. So I continued each day as normal until I found myself in the doctors office being diagnosed with "anxiety disorder" after an anxiety attack. Since then I've developed hives which were progressively worsening. Now my head is involved, I'm a visual person so the sight of anything abnormal grosses me out! The fact that I'm disgusted to see the once smooth areas of my skin covered in tiny bumps makes my skin crawl. It was in that moment I knew something had to change.

I've recognized how I allowed this to happen. It goes back to years of being passive in one particular area in my life and it wasn't until I realized and was honest with myself about it that I was able to consider an alternate perspective. I've allowed myself to be abused, mentally for the past few years. To be in a situation where people are constantly trying to break you down or attempt to "make" you feel as if you are unworthy or incompetent although it may be their abilities in need of improvement. To enter a space daily where nothing you do is good enough yet guidance or instruction is never provided is abusive. At this point I've taken some steps to improve the situation, yet I understand it may get worse before the desired outcome is reached. However I must change my perspective. Not everyone wants harmony or happiness, some people are absolutely fine in chaos. Some actually thrive in that space.

I am unsure of the outcome and I can't even ask for this "cup to pass", I don't ask why I have to deal with this. I believe on some level it's not solely about me, I feel as if I am in this situation to be the voice for others in a similar position. As I make a better effort to be happy in this whatever you want to call it, I am looking at my ideal situation so I can take steps in that direction.

The thought that keeps me grounded is the belief that truth will always prevail. Some would probably even mention karma here, I just believe that in the end, "good" always wins. At least that's my perspective.