There's a certain someone who occupies a unique space in my Heart. I am unsure of the description; however I am aware of the location, it's "dead center". I don't recall ever feeling that way before, it makes me uncomfortable and in the past, insecure and even "desperate"; seeking attention and approval at all costs. Even to the point, I'd lost sight of who I was. It took a very odd moment for me to wake up and realize how out of hand things had gotten. I made an "Executive Decision" and severed all ties.
I remember a few years ago I was at a Cousin's house (My "Love Guru #1") with her Family and I'd brought up "the one whose name we do not speak" at which time we began to talk about "Soul Ties", "Soul Mates" and "Twin Flames"; If my memory serves correctly I believe we were up to the early part of the Morning engulfed in conversation. By the time I'd gotten home it was clear to me that I needed to break the tie I had with that "man". It took a few years, but finally I am Happy to report he is "Official Black History" (lol see the movie, "Love Jones" for reference). Now fast forward to "a certain someone", last year after the encounter mentioned above; i was reminded of the conversation and decided to sever ties with this person as well. I took time away to gather and rebuild my self (self-respect, self-esteem, dignity & common sense); I guess it allowed time to be missed and/or appreciated. So without going into detail, our friendship was mended.
I find my quiet moments or wandering thoughts always seem to rest in our Memories or Fantasies (PG) of how I believe we could be together. Once I become aware of these occurrences I usually smile. Other times I analyze our communication and find myself giggling like a "silly school girl"; yet when I am reminded of the infrequency of our interaction I become a bit melancholy (which is an insanely familiar space for me), even allowing myself to shed a tear or two; they just can't leave my eyes (those are the rules). However, the feeling is not completely due to our situation; it actually stems from a history of "neglect" and "abandonment issues"; I know I've touched on those topics in previous posts, I'm just not ready to dive into those Chapters yet. On another note; when I am completely honest with myself, I admit that while I do trust myself; there's a tiny bit of me who questions if I could remain true to #TeamAbstinence in his presence. So I am thankful that we have kept a safe distance from one another.
I guess the trouble comes when I attempt to find logic in this uncertain situation. I remember saying how I didn't even "like" this person. I would overreact to everything and on several occasions ask "what is your purpose in my life?" at one point even declaring that he'd "served his purpose" once I convinced myself they were "only good for one thing"; which i was no longer addicted to. Yet the more I got to know them the more I realized I actually cared for more than that one particular part. -sigh- so here's the "dilemma": what do you do when your "decision making" parts disagree?
When I say "decision making parts" I'm referring to "My Mind", "My Heart" and "My Mouth". In my mind I seek to understand all of the Pros and Cons, that way I shouldn't find myself looking Dumb when I'm left with the Consequences. My Heart has to believe its a Good thing; I typically Meditate, Sleep on and/or search the Scriptures if I don't know off hand if its a Good or Bad decision presented. Finally, My Mouth, because what you Think and Feel you must Say and Do. For me, it all has to match: if you say one thing and do the opposite or vice versa, I don't trust you. Period, Point Blank. Call me judgmental or whatever comes to mind, but "as a man thinketh in his heart so is he" (Proverbs 23:7) and "a double minded man is unstable in all his ways"(James 1:8). Which basically means (to me) if you claim to Feel or Believe certain things your Words and Actions should confirm that. So here's the thing: My Mind and Heart says "stay, this makes complete sense" then My Mouth says "I wish this would go away".
I've had a conversation with my "Love Guru #1" and she's not on his team to say the least. Shortly after I'd began conversing with AnOther who I shall refer to as my "Love Guru #2", who identifies with both sides of the story and expresses examples of how he would do various things differently had he gotten the opportunity. His advice made sense to My Heart which had the difficult task of explaining it to My Mind. I was then able to express the feeling into words which took me by surprise. As time goes on I find myself haggling over what I am "supposed" to do, then I am reminded: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22 NKJV).
I know what some may be thinking and of course I'm NOT jumping ahead of myself; since we aren't even Dating I am definitely not expecting Marriage, however I am unsure of how "Loyal" I am supposed to be in a situation where I actually feel "something" for someone I am not involved with? On the other hand, I am (reluctantly) giving in to the idea of dating. Yet I don't believe in hunting down, chasing or finding a Man; I believe that a Man should recognize a Woman and seek to know if they'd be a good match, from there you grow closer and decide to make it "Official" or you go "back to the drawing board". It really is that simple, at least to me.
The interesting thing about this "situation" is as my Mind, Heart and Mouth attempt to figure it out; that "small; still voice" instructs me to "be still and know that I AM GOD" (Psalms 46:10a). After many years and a bunch of turmoil; I've finally learned to listen and "be still" and more importantly, to shut up. Not in a sense of not speaking my mind, but I've learned to take my frustrations to God in Prayer and allow Him to correct or confirm thoughts/behaviors. While expressing the necessary feelings and emotions as they've been processed. I will admit, I see a big difference since I began approaching things that way.
Which makes me Curious to know: which "parts" do you allow to make your decisions? How is that working out for you?
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