Silent Screams

I've been up since 4:00 am fighting the urge to scream and trying to battle an Anxiety Attack.

The fact that I only slept for less than two hours before I was awakened when an idea (yay!); followed by reenactments of yesterday's conversations and events began to lead to a Migraine.

I've started a prayer several times this week, but talked myself out of it. I want to hibernate. I am sick of (most) people and I'd rather spend my days with myself or a select few. Yet I know that is not what's best for me at this time/"season"... -sigh-

I keep reminding myself, "the battle is not yours, it's The Lord's"... Then the headache worsens and the tears fall.

Worst part of all, no one Cares. Although they'd be fake-offended IF they actually read the words stated; yet that's not a problem because they choose not to support anything I do. Yet if you let them tell it; they have all the love in the world; sigh -insert blank stare-. I'm now starting to question if these people even know how to show love; that's quickly answered by the facts:

1. They muster up enough "love", "care" and/or "concern" when it's convenient for/ or benefits them.

2. They expect and/or demand to be treated that way although they don't extend the same courtesy to others.

3. The moment you mention it, they start stuttering, apologizing and/or displaying some other sign of "guilt".

4. They are inconsistent; which shows they are capable. Trouble is they are unwilling to put forth a sincere, consistent EFFORT.

5. They are often selfish, self-centered and greedy. Therefore their main priority is themselves yet fail to realize or recognize when most people choose not to be bothered with them for long periods of time. This is usually when they become "humble", but it's fleeting. They often embrace those of us who are "nice", "compassionate" and/or "empathetic".

Moments like this I miss the "old me", the me who could care less about being "nice"; the anti-social girl who didn't like people. Then I am slapped with My Truth; that girl was not happy. I refuse to allow them the satisfaction, but I feel as if I am drowning in my own tears (at times) and all of the people who claim to care CHOOSE to turn a blind eye. Even when they are able to help; they are just unwilling.

Which also makes me question; if your "loved one" is "in need" and you choose to ignore or neglect them, how can you truly call yourself "a friend"? On the flip side, how dare you get offended/hurt/upset when they finally get a clue and no longer consider you as such.

Hmmm funny thing is, if I chose to treat them the way they treat me, I'd be "wrong" and questioned about my "Christianity/ Spiritually". People are a trip, I'd rather not take.

-exhale- I bet if I began to "call it like eye see it" they would then question if I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed"; however my response is, can you simply WAKE UP?!?!