Anxiety in Capricorn: Balancing

The most interesting thing about dealing with Anxiety Disorder for me has been self discovery. Naturally I am a curious person, I like to know how things operate so I observe and analyze (usually over-analyzing); which explains my fascination with psychology, specifically behavioral psychology.  As an only child I spent a lot of time with myself, so prior to the incident(s) triggering the Disorder I felt as if I knew myself to my "core".  I recall a conversation with my first therapist where she explained how we all have certain levels of anxiety (and/or any other "issue" which require awareness). Some people may have a higher tolerance while others may be predisposed to a Disorder, perhaps genetically or through conditioning (nature vs. nurture). I was aware of the concept however it's something totally different when you are now the "subject". I am reminded of a conversation I had about a year ago with my Mother, I'm not sure how it began but we were sitting on the beach and somehow she started talking about me as a young child. She told me initially I was left-handed, however she thought it would be easier (for her) to train me to be right-handed instead. It's funny how something which may be so insignificant to someone else could make the world of a difference to you. Surprisingly, that information was like a missing piece to a puzzle. For years I'd practice things with my left hand mainly because it felt more natural to me. Throughout the years I still practice with the goal in mind to become ambidextrous (so far I still have a long way to go lol). 

As I've shared recently after Chakra tuning and incorporating yoga into my routine I could feel myself open a new space within. With Anxiety Disorder the balance seems to change often; sometimes daily. It's become a job within itself. Some days I resent it, as if it's this thing sucking the joy from my day. I hate how selfish, self-centered and self-absorbed it is. Once Anxiety enters the picture with its "band of misfits" the focus of my life turns from whatever task or activity I'm enjoying to managing hormone and stress levels. Once I understood things from a different perspective I then began to transition from vinyasa yoga to kundalini, doing so brought about a type of balance I hadn't experienced. Shortly after making this change I encountered a couple of incidents where someone I had to speak with attempted to shame me for various conditions as well as choices I've made for my self. It took much prayer and many deep breaths, but I was able to get through those conversations without losing my temper or allowing my emotions to speak on my behalf. Each day has been quite different, yet I'm learning to accept the challenge that i have been affected by and to allow my thoughts, feelings, desires to flow freely within. 

I guess the balance comes when I allow those moments to occur within the appropriate outlet. It's still a work in progress and as I dive deeper into the Ieg-shaking, mind-blown state of absolute bliss discovered through my kundalini exercises, time will heal as it has been known to do. 

Namasté