Once again, I'm not sure how far I want to go back, or how much I would like to share as this post is quite different from the battle which was/is, "The Struggle". I guess I'll just keep it within the past few days and see where it goes...
As I mentioned I'd gotten back to the "atmosphere" within myself that I've designated my "Sweet Escape", shortly after for various reasons I found myself in a state of high anxiety ending with tears. Monday, I knew "the Feelings" weren't going anywhere and I'd need to increase the effort relating to the techniques learned through experience, research and therapy in hopes the Anxiety wouldn't escalate or create an attack. I figured I'd begin with washing my hair and from there my mood should improve. It's clear that would not be enough, so I began to meditate which lead to the realization that my "yin and yang" were out of sync. I began searching online for articles, studies, etc. which would shed some light as well as help with restoring balance and provide understanding. Although I did grasp a different perspective I decided that it was officially "wine o'clock", as a coping mechanism. Now I'm beginning to feel better and I'm ready to run; well my phone had other plans and needed to remain on the charger. So now I'm "trapped" inside my head where I am already struggling to find peace or comfort. Once the mood and wine settle in "the Feelings" got even deeper, which only leaves room for something else to pop up; as that's been my experience with the disorder. Sure enough I want to sleep, but Insomnia has arrived to mingle with my slightly drunk, depressed, anxious mind frame. Since I'm no stranger to how this works (to an extent) I pop 10 mg's of Melatonin and I'm off to my Dreams.
Tuesday I attempt to ensure there's no repeat of these feelings so I begin my routine along with a bit of Chakra Tuning to help me balance my energy. This time the phone dies again, but the difference is, I don't care. I am enjoying the Sun and the energy being created by the meditation, music and vibration within. Now I have that urge to write; the thoughts are flowing and I begin to sort them out. As I've shared with Twitter, I believe there's a difference between a person's private, personal and/or sacred thoughts. I believe that's the Capricorn in me; I can be extremely private, some would say "secretive"; however I believe that's all in having a different perspective regarding boundaries. I won't even touch on that topic right now, lol. As I'm noticing my overall well-being is improving (internally) I begin adding a few other supplements to my diet and increase my level of fitness while making sure to stay hydrated. In the hopes of avoiding Insomnia, I reduce the dosage of Melatonin since I have an early day scheduled for Wednesday.
Everything's working out fine, that is until the wee hours of the morning when I'm awakened from my Dreams. I have no clue how it happened, but I'm awake and the concept of sleep is completely out of the picture. Initially I was grumpy, then figuring "it is, what it is" I have a thought to go running, but the Sun isn't even up yet. I allow the thoughts to wander ending on the desire to read a bit of the book "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. I read it years ago and make a point to refresh sporadically. Day breaks and I cant get my shoes on fast enough! I begin to walk and I can feel my legs wanting me to run; I hadn't experienced that feeling in quite some time. I decide to run a familiar route which leads to Starbucks, as I am considering what to order, I realize, I feel like my "old self", so rather than getting my "usual" I opted for my "signature" drink. I'd drifted away from it after one too many people made comment about how "complicated" it was. One more thing I now could care less about; I chatted with the barista who was quite pleasant, ordered my drink and decided to take a seat and relax a bit before I had to get going with the rest of my day. As I'm sitting I read the sleeve of the cup which has a quote by Oprah Winfrey, what a "coincidence" since I was just reading about the importance of having a proper Mastermind Alliance.
I mentioned before how I feel anxiety seems to take some type of sadistic pleasure in exposing my weakness to the World, but in those moments where there's balance, for me, it feels as if all of my strengths are heightened. Highlighting my "quirks" such as "the Perfectionist", "OCD" and my favorite, "the Night Owl". Some of the details get faded, but I do recall taking a Chakra Test in order to pin point which Chakra(s) needed a bit more of my (undivided) attention. During my usual meditation, I had a moment of sickness, as the toxins were leaving my body I could literally feel the moment when ALL of my Chakra's opened. It felt... ah-mazing! My thoughts and a conversation lead to doing a Natal Chart Report, which I knew some of the information, but this time I took a more in-depth look and better understood the correlation of Sun, Moon and Rising Signs. I can't put into words how much clarity I obtained about myself once I was able to process that information. I wont go into further detail as I am still learning and understanding however, I am praying for this state of being to remain as it is when I feel my absolute best, I am aware that "life happens" so I will continue to do what I know/learn/feel to do in order to "remain" in alignment.
I must also say, how grateful I am to be able to share my experience(s) again and free myself of some of the weight in holding so much inside. I truly appreciate all of the feedback; I also hope that something I've shared may assist you on your journey, no matter which phase or season you find yourself in.
Blessings.
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