Love, Love, Love, Love, Love...
I know I've been basking "in Love" for quite some time now; so much so that I did not want to publish this expression. I touched on my feelings briefly in the piece titled "Venus on Display"; as I am becoming more in tune with my Self, I am also made aware of the affects/ effects of "others" into my Space. This was brought up due to the fact that recently I was strongly advised to compose an Advanced Directive; at that moment "shit got real!". Although I was aware of the severity of my condition(s); it wasn't until the need to put such a formal document in place that I truly understood how serious things have become.
Enters "Trust Issues", I thought I knew what I'd do if I was put in this position, but as the saying goes, "until it happens to you...". I took a moment and discussed things with the Man in my Life who would be "responsible" for me since I am an unmarried woman; my Dad. Who was completely concerned, loving and supportive; we even had the conversation regarding "my instructions", which I feel comfortable with. The trouble comes in when this information is processed again and Anxiety and OCD joins the mix. I only completely trust God and my self. I know how this happened; I also understand why I am this way. The difficult part is overcoming the desire or perhaps the need to trust some one else. Many times I attempt to, I find myself on the unfortunate side of a "Thirst Trap".
With "Black Twitter" being what it is, I am positive we all know what a thirst trap is; however when it comes to simple emotions/ feelings excluding "lust", I feel it becomes a bit more complex than a silly notion of scantily clad imagery. With the knowledge in mind that I can be quite hypersensitive I believe it is a despicable act to recognize a void and prey on some one for any reason. In my experience it's always someone close to you in some way so your guard is already a bit lowered; leaving wiggle room for them and their agenda to coerce you into believing they are trustworthy, reliable, dependable, etc. Yet every time the need arises and their "true colors" shine forth and rather than the beaming bright hue expected it's drab or dull; usually due to unwillingness, inability to produce results and/or sudden unavailability; leaving an unfortunate "taste" in ones Mind/ "mouth". Which normally leads to "Guilt Tripping".
I've experienced two types of guilt trips that I can recall. One where I was on the receiving end, unexpectedly. Guilt is not an emotion that I've experienced often; aside from these occurrences. So it was brought to my attention how I had not quite been the "mentor" that was expected. I wont go into details (at this time), but I will say that I was forced into a "role model" position and thought I was doing enough. That is until an experience of Anxiety Attack forced (almost) everyone involved to have an honest conversation about roles, expectations and the reality of the situation. My guilt caused me to offer a couple hugs, an apology, a promise gift and vow to "do better". In the extremely opposite experience I was in conversation with someone who began to speak badly about a Loved One; and in the defense of the absent party, I called the person out on their bullshit. During the conversation, everything they claimed to have been the victim of, they had done all of it and then some to me. Needless to say, after their tears fell I was then given I guess you could call it my "inheritance" along with more (soon to be broken) promises. I have made it a point not to judge people, especially on their inadequacies; as I don't want to be judged by mine. However, I am a Capricorn, very much "ruled by" Saturn (lol); so I've learned to access and qualify. From there I put the person into a category to ensure I don't fall "victim" to their "bait" again in the future.
I don't know if a person ever overcomes trust issues, especially as deeply rooted as the ones I have. Yet my hopes in writing this is first to purge and second to bring awareness. In the past I used to delete the culprit, which then morphed into changing my number on a whim. Now I simply don't trust that person with much, if anything more than "party & bullshit" aspects of my Life. Unless I find them to be a repeat offender, which for my sanity, they must be blocked and/or deleted. This switch has made a world of a difference in maintaining this new found level of Love in my life. A love I have come to overprotect in the same way as I overprotect my Self, my Son, my privacy, which includes my Loved Ones, Family & Friends. I will admit in my Fantasy Life, I long for the one(s) I can trust in that space and know they won't do anything to betray me. I am not naive though, so if it happens, great! And if not; I pray it finds me in my next lifetime.
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