"Chasing A Ghost"

Over the past few months I've had various conversations with two guys I've had relationships with. One person expressed to me while disagreeing on our level of interaction, he'd simply find "another girl like" me, but without all of MY bullshit. I wished him luck on his task and thought to myself "if he thought I frustrate him, he's surely jumping out of the frying pan into the fire". The other gentleman and I have a better friendship overall, the difference between the two comes from one person understanding and accepting my boundaries while the other refused. So, the friend and I have various conversations regarding his "love life", he often expresses the type of relationship he'd prefer and the hilarious part is, each time he describes me and/or the relationship we had many moons ago. Sometimes I can see or hear the torment this causes, and I attempt to create a safe distance. I then had a moment of introspection and realized how many times a situation has ended and they always try to come back. I recall a conversation with my ex, he'd decided that he wanted to "see other people", to his surprise I encouraged it. I told him to "go, be, do whatever you feel will bring you happiness; however don't expect me to sit around waiting". He went and we remained friends, then he realized the grass wasn't greener and wanted to come back. It's as if they're always chasing my ghost.

Most never admit that they've never met a woman like me, they often like to pretend as if I'm no different than the next, but we all know how untrue that is. One guy actually said that my mouth is what he loves and hates the most. I'm a Capricorn (research us or simply follow .@HeartCapricorn on twitter to understand what that means) I say what I feel (even if it takes a while to build up the strength), I mean what I say, once my mind is made up there's no changing it. I always think of the torment that must create. The fact that all the reasons they love me are the exact reasons they find to hate me. LMAO that shit is crazy!

After a conversation with a friend which lead to a discussion with my therapist, they both feel as if its time for me to date. A task I truly dislike, however if I'm going to move forward with my life I must do (some of the) things which make me uncomfortable. So I promised my therapist that I would "try my best", that's all I can do and she accepted. Once it's clear, I discuss this with the friend who initially brought it up. I expressed what I wanted my dating life to look like as well as my dedication to #TeamAbstinence. I expressed my dislike and discomfort when I am in the company of men and the level of sexual energy they direct towards me becomes offensive. Often times they don't express it or try to act upon it, but I can sense when the thoughts change and the energy is contaminated. I expressed how I understand people have certain desires and that's human; however it's a basic level when you allow that energy to consume you. I often direct them to Chapter 11 of "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill which teaches on the skill of transmutation of sexual energy. Funny thing is they always refuse to learn about it. So back to my conversation, I was then told that I am being unrealistic and that men will always be a certain way and I basically need to learn to accept and deal with it. O_o no ma'am!

I will admit I was annoyed and irritated which is why I try not to have these conversations with women. They somehow think that my values are outdated, and that's fine. The irritation comes when they insist that my desires are "wrong" and "unattainable" however the relationship or style of dating they entertain does not appeal to me, I agree to disagree yet find my standards attacked. Rather than express much of my annoyance I decided to meditate and pray about the promise I'd made to myself and my therapist and left it all to God.

Not even three days later while (literally) running an errand I meet someone. He stops me and we chat briefly before exchanging numbers. I continue on my run and before I returned home he'd already asked me out. Since this is all new to me I made a few calls to see how this stuff works, well only one person answered and he gave his usual advice. He instructed me that "the times are different" and I should do "whatever" I wanted because guys don't judge if you sleep with them on the first date blah blah blah. The plan was he'd cook and provide the wine (of my choice) and I'd bring a movie, simple enough. I arrive and he's a complete gentleman, the energy was good and no crazy talk about sex or anything else inappropriate. We have many things in common and his dog and I fell in love. So as the time goes by I realize I should be leaving soon, when I informed him and he requested that I stay I honestly didn't want to leave, I enjoyed his company that much and for those who of you who don't know me personally, to say that's major would be an understatement. I figured this was the appropriate time to disclose my commitment to abstinence so it would be clear if I stayed it wasn't for anything sexual and if that wasn't accepted then it was absolutely time to call it a night.

He respected my boundaries and we stayed up to some ridiculous hour talking about everything. We slept (him in pj's and me in my pants and a shirt he provided), the morning I was greeted with the warmest hello and told to relax and make myself comfortable. I showered, got dressed then we listened to random music as he cooked breakfast, at one point I found myself lost in a gospel song and when I opened my eyes I realized he was observing me from the kitchen, he asked "you were meditating?" and I replied with a simple "yes". He prepared a beautiful breakfast and this time he asked me to lead the prayer as he had done with dinner. I don't know why I get nervous to pray in front of people, but it's slowly getting easier. Now we're watching the movie "Boomerang" and after some scene with Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens he decides to ask me "why do women lead men on knowing they want sex just as bad as men do?" This caught me off guard however I could tell it wasn't an attack against me so I remained cool and engaged in the conversation. I expressed to him how I agree, it's unfortunate that women play such games however I am not one of those women. We've all heard the "well I don't usually..." next thing you know she's "busting it wide open", well that's not me. I expressed my neurosis regarding casual sex and it's extremely clear that's not for me, for various reasons. It seems he understood by the end of our conversation that this wasn't an act, and I made sure to tell him. Although some women claim to be a certain way, I am actually committed to the lifestyle that I've chosen. People don't have to agree, but they must accept and respect my boundaries.

Since I left that morning we've had several conversations and for the most part he's the same. One thing that I felt great about, was the fact that even if he had flipped the script on me, I still had my dignity and self-respect. There was no "walk of shame", because there was no shameful behavior. I read my bible (app) as I normally would, I shared what I read and we discussed. I prayed, meditated and went on about my day.

It wasn't until yesterday, I realized that I too am chasing a ghost. The ghost of my first love, he was everything that I need, want and desire in a man. As I've expressed in the posts dedicated to him (see "My First Love" and "Happy Birthday Terrance") our friendship was pure, nonsexual and enlightening from the day we met until the day he died. I believe that type of love and friendship will find me again. Until then I'll continue my journey and meet cool people along the way. As with anything, those who can't handle it will remove themselves and make room for only what I want in my life. That's the beauty of the law of attraction and I am blessed with a collage of conversations, memories and interactions to draw from.