I had a couple conversations on Wednesday which rubbed me the wrong way. It started after I left my 2nd therapy session, I was feeling a mixture of emotions so I put my headphones in and attempted to find my groove as I headed to "The Last of the Lost", I see a guy trying to get my attention and I'm in a mood so I entertain the conversation just to pass the time. He then asks for my number and I figure, what do I have to lose? He calls immediately and proceeds with his "getting to know you" line of questioning. His first mistake was thinking I was much younger than I am, although it is a compliment; he took the "baby face" to mean my mind was young as well. He learned quickly! So I ask him his hobbies, the last book he read and a few other questions that would let me know if this would be a waste of time. I quickly learned that it in fact would be. Based on his line of questioning I could tell he was a "pussy hound", running around town exchanging his energy with anyone willing, I can't imagine how often he does this safely which in itself was a complete turn off. At some point he mentions the area where he lives and practically invites me over. To educate this man, although I shouldn't have to, I explain to him that I don't go to stranger's homes and IF he wanted to get to know me he'd need to plan and initiate a date. His reply was "I don't date", oh okay so please understand that this is absolutely unacceptable FOR ME. He finally realized I'm not his type and made up some bogus line about having another call in order to end this conversation he'd obviously was unprepared for. I think to myself, that was entertaining and provided a few laughs which allowed me to forget for a brief moment the strange mood I was in. So I am grateful.
Now I'm in motion, slowly heading to my destination and my mind starts to wander. I find my thoughts fixated on a certain someone and feel the need to call him out on how his words and actions are conflicted. He proceeds to let me know that "we are fine" and I "need to chill" my response was, "no, YOU are fine, but I'm chillin". I went on to say that my frustration steams from the fact that he has known me for a rather long time, and the fact that in this time he hasn't figured out how to "handle" me causes the majority of our friction. I pointed out how he doesn't make a true effort to keep me or make me WANT to stay in his company yet he cries when I "run away". He then asked how he should handle me and I told him "Handle me like you actually care if I stay or go. Handle me like you're not the only man who wants my time and attention. Unless that's not the case, then say so." In his mind, that's what you do when you're in a relationship and we would not get there overnight. I assured him, with the way things are I could not even consider being his girlfriend. I would be miserable! I guess this hurt his feelings however, I would be a fool to accept this behavior and actually commit to it.
The trouble is, I like him. Even worse, I hate that I like him. I see so much potential and in some ways he reminds me of my father, no ones ever made it to that category. So what does that mean? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? How long am I supposed to wait for this man to find a clue? How does he not know how to handle me after all of these years? Is he THAT dumb or does he just not care?
I keep trying to make the light bulb come on, but it has become more work than I feel it's worth. Yet something in me won't give up on him. It's the craziest thing, although he's not "my favorite" he has everything that my favorite lacks. I just wish he saw himself the way I see him, and walked with that level of confidence. I hate that we fight so often, but I have to stand my ground. I just hope in some crazy way the fighting would eventually pay off and he'd learn that although I can be A LOT to handle, it's worth it to figure me out. The funniest part is, that's not as complicated as he (some) makes it out to be.
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