Learning to "go with the flow"

I have this love/hate relationship with people who are able to see the "grey areas" of life. I'm extremely "black & white" I need order, structure, rules and an understanding. Once those things are in place I am free to explore how or if I want someone/thing in my life. I have a very hard time with this, mainly because I can be ridiculously skeptical. I was always trying to figure out someone's motive(s), agenda and purpose in my life. I've found that this creates a sense of trust and reliability for me. I figured if we both agreed and understood the expectations of our interaction then I could not get hurt or disappointed. In addition to that it also allowed me the comfort of feeling as if I am in control. It's obvious now, but I wasn't always aware of the effects of abandonment issues (I'll save that for another time) I need these boundaries in order to let my guard down, somewhat.

So this week was full of events- some new while others were quite unexpected. For starters a co-worker quit without notice, I had my first session with my therapist, grumpy and "the angry birds" were their absolute worst! anxiety was at an all-time high and not one of my plans were accomplished. There were a million obstacles and plots to maneuver. As I tried to rearrange my calendar for the weekend as well as next summer, I find the more I try the more impossible it becomes. I felt the need to "be still", when things didn't flow easily I did nothing. I figured, I needed to continue to seek guidance so that I wasn't moving off course. The need to do nothing increased on Tuesday when thoughts of quitting lingered in my mind. I was able to gather myself and regain my focus by taking one day at a time, allowing myself to take things moment by moment and task by task. I did my part, I improved on the things I was already doing as well as incorporated some set in place from therapy. Then I notice some odd symptoms; since I started cleansing the hives I'd became to suffer from were clearing up with no new outbreaks. My headaches were few and far between and I felt a balance slowly returning. During the first week of the cleanse I over exerted myself and realized I needed to create a hybrid sort of, so I drank the master cleanse when I felt my body needed it and drank juice (fruit & veggie), water and protein shakes at the other times to nourish my body.

I feel great! Slowly getting back to myself, this was until this week happened. I'm noticing some symptoms returning and worsening over the course of a few days. By Friday I became alarmed and consulted the nurse helpline, I followed her instruction and ended up with a same day doctors appointment. Upon examination the doctor refers me to the ER for a "quick" procedure. As things are happening so rapidly I am doing my best not to make any hasty decisions. I contact my "prayer circle" and have them pray for me, in times like these I don't need or want those "everything is going to be okay" people. Matters like this calls for people who will pray for God's will to be done, for protection from hurt, harm or danger. For guidance and to order hands if surgery is necessary. After I send out my prayer request, I need to talk to my baby. There's no way I could go into any type of surgery without my son hearing my voice and knowing that I would be okay. Now I'm examined by the ER doctor and he says the surgery isn't necessary and he'd prescribe medication as well as instructed me to see my primary care physician in a week.

I realize I wasn't completely satisfied with his recommendation (red flag), I felt like the surgery would be beneficial in the long run, I voiced my questions yet wasn't satisfied with his answers so I decided not to press the issue. I contacted my circle with the update, headed to the pharmacy and tried to rearrange my weekend plans in my head. Once the prescription is filled I'm noticing the doctor gave me things that had not worked in the past (red flag #2) so now I'm questioning his plan of action; better yet inaction. However I decide with one vote for surgery, which I agree with and one to do nothing it would be best at this time to do nothing and consult with my doctor whom I trust. That way the decision will get two votes and I can figure out what I think about that as it happens.

It was in this moment that I realized why my weekend plans weren't panning out, because the Universe knew my body wasn't right and attention needed to be paid at some point. Had I forced my agenda I may not have been able to hear the needs of my body as clearly. Just like with the second doctor, my prayer was for God's will to be done and for my best interest to be protected. Although the answer was not to have surgery, I am considering the fact that it was not in my best interest THAT day. Perhaps he wasn't the best surgeon for me, which was evident by the medications he chose for me. Allowing things to flow in this situation could have been the difference between life and death or unnecessary discomfort or a half ass surgery.

I guess there are times when it's best to go with the flow, however the key, like with everything else is balance. I can see how being completely "black & white" has contributed to aspects of my anxiety however my personality type coupled with my many "issues" don't do well with flying by the seat of my pants. I'm learning when to press and when to fall back and I'm taking it situation by situation. Right now I feel good knowing I did what was best for me. And as I find myself on day 20 of my 21 day cleanse; I am so glad I'm learning these lessons and doing things much differently than I ever have before.