...

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control"

So I noticed that I posted the above quote twice lol back to back. Crazy thing is: minus the 'title' and 'label' the posts were identical. Both times a certain someone came to mind and I wanted to record the thought that captured my feelings toward *him. I recall him saying that he'd sent a message to me prior to our initial meeting and I didn't remember, according to him I didn't respond then coincidentally we become friends through a chat room of mutual friend only to build an extraordinary bond that has seen its ups and downs for the past 8 years. That to me sounds a bit like fate which is why this quote hit so close to home.

Out of the number of internet friends that particular chat room created I don't speak to any of them. However with him through our periods of not speaking no matter how hard I try to fight it, it doesn't last too long because my love for him outweighs whatever made me upset. He asked 'why me?' I've asked myself that question countless times 'why him?!?!' And the truth is; he filled a void that no one has touched since Terrance (my 1st love, my best friend, my companion, my everything!). He was the first man I'd ever told & felt love for. He still holds a dear space in my heart and will never be forgotten. I digress. Why him? The foundation is there, years of friendship has bonded us like no other. Most times I feel safe with him, I trust him to be himself which is usually why at times I back away, shut him out and distance myself.

The truth is I don't want to bee that way anymore, I want to love him. I want to be IN love with him and more than anything else I want him to be IN love with me. And that is where the fear comes from because after 8 years its been a great friendship but the other part hasn't worked out. I felt I needed to control the outcome and course of how things went in an attempt to protect myself so he couldn't hurt me or worse, abandon me.

Anyway I'm not going to analyze this I just look forward to our future conversations and possibly seeing him next week and go from there.